Monday, June 27, 2005

I hate eveything about me right now

I am beside myself. I don't know what is happening to my body or why I can no longer hit. I am at work right now with two full syringes of speed and one of dilaudid. I try to do the speed on my first break but no luck. Now I have a syringe filled with blood. It isn't clogged or anything. I just can't seem to flag anything anymore. I don't know why or what is wrong with me but I am about to go nuts. My dinner break is not for another fourty minutes and I have a half an hour so I hope that I will be able to find a good vein during that time. I will have to leave work cause it would look way too suspicious to be in the bathroom for a half an hour. There is a library a half a block away from here and I have gone there in the past so I guess that is what I will do this time. I am afraid to do the dilaudid cause that is all that I can get for the day and I don't want to waste any of it. Tomorrow will really suck if I can't get anything. The speed is neither here nor there but it would be nice to just get it into me. I hate walking around with bloody syringes in my purse. I feel bad enough with the state that I am in, that this fact just makes me feel worse. My stomach feels as if it is about to collapse out from under me. I am so not impressed with myself and with each day, the depression just seems to get a little bit worse. Oh well, back to work I guess.

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