Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Stressed Again

Just once, I would love to be able to walk out the door without feeling as if I am being pulled in forty different directions. Again, I am denied the luxury of simply kissing my daughter and husband good-bye, smiling and waving and walking happily out the door. I arrived at work for another evening somewhat flustered, as usual. The evening had been going fairly well all things considering. I came down with the flu over the weekend and today I was definitely feeling the worst for wear. My head feels all full of cotton wool, my throat is really scratchy and my nose is full of beautiful green stuff. Oh so nice...

I didn't really have much energy all day and was trying to conserve what little I did have for work this evening but I did need to grab a few things at the grocery store. Around five, I called to my daughter to come with me and we were pretty fast grabbing what we needed. I don't drink coffee but my husband does. I knew that he was out of instant coffee so I made sure that I didn't leave the store without it. When I got home, I asked Sara to put the groceries away and pack me a lunch while I grabbed some things that I needed for work. Of course, I got the wrong kind of coffee and my husband started lecturing me - so not in the mood for this right then - so I said that I would go and return it right now. I stomped off because this was not what I wanted to do as now I was going to be in a situation where I was dashing off to work with the remote chance that I would arrive late.

Went back to the store, returned the coffee and rushed back into the apartment. Sara had not even started my lunch so when I called her back into the kitchen to find out why she could not have made my lunch during the 20 minutes that I was gone, she kind of gave me a bit of attitude stating that she had been on the phone. Well, whatever. I don't know why she was incapable of explaining to her friend that she would have to call her back. Anyway, made my own lunch and gathered the rest of my stuff. Sara asked if she could go online on one of the computers in our bedroom and I said that she could as long as her chores and homework were all finished. I mentioned to my husband what I had just said Sara could do and all of a sudden he gets all short and snappy with me. I am like, duh??? So I asked him what he expected her to do and he goes on about her having to clean out under her bed and this and that to make room for the desktop computer we have for her. It is the fact that he has to be contrary no matter what. It wouldn't have mattered what I had given Sara permission to do while I was at work, he would have found something else that she should have been doing. This is what drives me absolutely mental. On one hand, he complains that I never keep him informed of what she is doing and yet when I do, he is never agreeable to them so I end up never "winning".

Now because he is loudly whining about what she should be doing, she is getting upset. Her first reaction is to ask me if she can go to Stephanie's which is where she always wants to go when things are not running smoothly at home. I said no and she puts a face on her which makes me even more upset and agitated and all this as I am walking out the door. I try to explain to her and ask why this always happens the moment I am about to leave. No one ever considers my state of mind or feelings. So again, I get down to my car in tears worrying about both of them. I feel bad because Sara is forced to spend the night in an uncomfortable situation and guilty that I have put her in this place. I am really mad at my husband because I feel that he is being unduly harsh on her and unreasonable at the same time.

Right now I would do anything to work any other shift than the one that I am currently working but due to the climate at work, I don't have too many options available to me. I could lose a shift a week but I don't know what this would solve anything either. I could go back to working weekends but there is so little flexibility here since all the layoffs. I don't know what to do...

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