5 more minutes

Five more minutes and then I can take my dinner break. I am so anxious. I hope that I don't run into anyone on my way to the library cause I only have a half an hour to get this done and I can't afford any interruptions - not even going to have a smoke until I get this into me. Good how absolutely pathetic am I? OK only three more minutes to go now. Tick...tick...tick...I hate this. My stomach is an absolute mess right now too.

I hate eveything about me right now

I am beside myself. I don't know what is happening to my body or why I can no longer hit. I am at work right now with two full syringes of speed and one of dilaudid. I try to do the speed on my first break but no luck. Now I have a syringe filled with blood. It isn't clogged or anything. I just can't seem to flag anything anymore. I don't know why or what is wrong with me but I am about to go nuts. My dinner break is not for another fourty minutes and I have a half an hour so I hope that I will be able to find a good vein during that time. I will have to leave work cause it would look way too suspicious to be in the bathroom for a half an hour. There is a library a half a block away from here and I have gone there in the past so I guess that is what I will do this time. I am afraid to do the dilaudid cause that is all that I can get for the day and I don't want to waste any of it. Tomorrow will really suck if I can't get anything. The speed is neither here nor there but it would be nice to just get it into me. I hate walking around with bloody syringes in my purse. I feel bad enough with the state that I am in, that this fact just makes me feel worse. My stomach feels as if it is about to collapse out from under me. I am so not impressed with myself and with each day, the depression just seems to get a little bit worse. Oh well, back to work I guess.

Don't Know

Don't know what is wrong with my body right now. Every time I try to do a hit, the needle clogs up,causes a bump at the spot and just general messiness all around. I don't try to force it in and I even change needles each time this happens. My boyfriend finally did find a clean hit and by then there was nothing but blood left. What a disappointment. Guess this is telling me something.

BUSTED

Well, my few days away with my Mother turned into something that I did not want it to turn into so...she confronted me about my addiction and for the first time, I admitted. What a load off of my chest I have to admit. I have wanted to tell her for like ever. Surprisingly enough it went really well. Shock of shocks. She will even help get me into a program or just help me get back into methadone. Whatever I want. She is terribly upset but at the same time she was so understanding. I even told her the only joke that I know.

How can you tell if a junky is lying? His lips are moving...

More later...am tired now...

Woot!!!Woot!!!

I just got the best news ever although my Manager is still recovering from my reaction to the change. The project that I am currently on is ending effective now. From now on I will be on another dedicated project Monday to Friday 2pm to 8pm. I agreed to work two nights a week until 10pm so that I could be cross trained on a few other projects as they expect the project that I am on will also be ending fairly shortly. No problemo. I have been here two years and the whole time I have been begging for part time hours to no avail. I will believe it when I see it but effective tomorrow I am working 2-8pm for the rest of the week now I had booked next week off of work ages ago cause Mom and I are going on a three day shopping trip to Toronto so we'll see what's the what when I get back.

About the trip. My Mom wasn't all that well thru the fall and winter and a lot of the spring and I did my best to help her - she doesn't know how to drive and my father passed away a couple of years ago so...I took her to the hospital and sat with her a number of times, took her to all of her doctor's appointments, groceries, etc and this trip is her way of saying thank you. We are leaving Tuesday morning at 8am by Via Rail arriving at 10:05am - it is only London to Toronto - and coming back at 7pm on Thursday evening. Mom has booked us into the Holiday Inn on King Street and it looks real fancy and stuff. Well here, take a look yourself. Isn't it pretty?

Pathetic Cowards

Wow, what a day at work! There were fifty four people laid off today not in the department that I work in but still within the same company. It was pretty emotional to say the least. No one seems to know - or prepared to answer - whether or not the contract was finished or whether Microsoft pulled the plug on it. Tres weird. What was weirder - and pretty ignorant I think - was the fact that head of Human Resources had the day off of work. Duh? Don't you think if you were doing a layoff of this magnitude that HR should be present? Also, the manager of the call center was also absent so it was left to one of the team leads to do all of the dirty work. Nicole is a super nice girl but she can't be anymore than 24 and has only been a team lead for about three weeks so she took this all pretty hard. What a bunch of cowards!!!