tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26448449631335865572024-02-21T13:04:07.233-05:00Methadone Prettysickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.comBlogger278125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-40093978381016735042015-12-10T00:50:00.000-05:002015-12-10T00:50:27.521-05:00MMT<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I know that I haven't written in a long time but something that I read tonight has prompted me to do a brief update. I really do not understand why methadone is not a solution. I was a hardcore heroin and opiate user for more years than I even want to remember. I spent almost $3000 a month on my habit and there was a point in time where I never believed that I would be able to stop. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And yet, here I am, almost a decade later. I do not use opiates. Yes, I think about them almost daily but I now know that I won't relapse. Methadone truly saved my life. Yes, I am still taking it but I get my carries so I only have to see my doctor weekly. I wish that I didn't but that is the price an addict must pay sometimes I guess. Yes, it is certainly better than using. Maybe, it is not a perfect solution but it is definitely a solution. It certainly is preferable than the other. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Now, I work full time and am a positive, contributing member of society. I am no longer a burden to anyone or anything and for this, I will be eternally grateful</span></div>
sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-12823605654226044492015-09-25T15:50:00.000-04:002015-09-25T15:50:52.850-04:00WTF? Back Surgery<div style="text-align: justify;">
OK so I haven't updated in an eternity because for the most part my life has been pretty uneventful. Until about a month or so ago. Jim and I went to a Melvins concert about three months ago. This is a band we probably haven't seen in about 16 years or so. We thought that it would be a boatload of fun so we bought tickets. We had a great time. We danced and drank and acted like we were so much younger than we were!</div>
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The next day, my back hurt so much. I actually was having a hard time walking. A week later, I was still feeling like crap. Another week later, I felt worse. Suddenly one morning I woke up and I literally I could not walk on my right leg. I was in so much pain. Jim took me to the hospital at 7am. I didn't have to wait very long before a resident looked at me. She said that it was probably sciatica and that a couple of weeks of naproxin and some massage therapy would clear everything up. Shock of shock, it did not clear anything up. Well, not right away. I spent most of the summer swimming, riding my bike and doing a lot of walking. I started massage therapy and went weekly hoping to alleviate everything and for the most part, it worked.</div>
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Until, the middle of August. We had to go to Toronto for Jim's sister's birthday. I ended up being stuck in the backseat of a car for four hours and ten minutes. By the time we go to Toronto, I could barely stand on my leg. I fell out of the car and I was in so much pain. I had to crawl to their front door and into their house. It was awful. The day deteriorated from there. My brilliant idea was to get intoxicated! In hindsight, this was the worst possible plan! We were all supposed to meet my sister-in-law and in-laws at a restaurant on the other side of Toronto. </div>
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Jim and I left after everyone else. I didn't realize just how bad my leg was until we had walked about a block. As we were crossing the street, I lost my balance and Jim attempted to help me. Believe it or not, people actually thought that he was abusing me and called the police! What a bloody scene. Five Toronto police officers showed up to question us about Jim;s alleged spousal abuse in public. WTF???</div>
sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-3208309796892465402015-01-25T18:06:00.001-05:002015-01-25T18:06:39.094-05:00Finally Back<div style="text-align: justify;">
I haven't written anything in ages and at this point, I certainly don't expect anyone at all to ever read this, but something that I read in today's Toronto Star has compelled me to finally write. "A suicide note from out of the blue" by Cynthia McCabe is a most compelling piece of journalism. That's all I need to say on that subject as the article speaks for itself.</div>
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On another much more mundane matter is my desire to offer in update of my life. One may be asking why it's taken so long to offer one. I wish that there was a much more exotic reason than the truth but there just isn't! Many may have wondered whether my absence was due to a relapse but no such thing. Ironically, the reason for my silence is quite the opposite and has more to due with how successful I've been with my recovery.</div>
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I am still clean and sober after all this time and honestly the reason I haven't bothered reporting anything is that there is nothing much at all to report. Maybe boredom, tedium, repetition, numbness, sameness. After awhile that is pretty much what recovery turns into but without this, it would be a slippery slope back down again!</div>
sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-14282796924573130342013-01-01T18:25:00.002-05:002013-01-01T18:26:43.744-05:00sickgirl's 2013 RESOLUTIONS<i></i><br />
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Update this blog on a more regular basis.</div>
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<i>Finally finish redecorating my living room and start my bedroom redecoration. Bought all new living room furniture including a new 47' flat screen TV last year but didn't do much more than dump it all into the living room with little thought to arrangement or presentation. My bedroom is in dire straits and long overdue for an update. </i></div>
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Start sewing a lot more so that I can rework and update my wardrobe with some trendier and edgier outfits.</div>
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<i>Revamp my current hairstyle with a brand new contemporary cut and colour.</i></div>
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Seriously change my eating habits so that I am eating healthier as well as start some sort, any sort, of exercise program. Really want to lose the extra weight that I gained while on methadone and now that I am finished treatment I have no more excuses!</div>
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<i>Finish my <b>PTSD</b> therapy and finally move on and put our 2008 attack and Jim's stabbing behind me. </i></div>
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Now that I have finally returned to work - more on this later - increase my work hours from part time to full time.</div>
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<i>Socialize more with both my family and friends. No more of this near hibernation - this is part of the moving forward since the attack.</i></div>
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<br />sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-30302702399211329592012-12-27T20:00:00.000-05:002012-12-28T03:37:37.339-05:00She's Gone<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know that it has been a near eternity since my last update and, other than sheer laziness, I really have no excuse for this long absence. That's not to say that I haven't tried keeping up with the blogs that I follow cause I've certainly been doing my best! I've also discovered quite a few new ones so most of my computer time seems to get spent reading rather than writing. Starting now though this is going to change. Maybe this will be my first New Year's resolution as well. Am pretty sure that this resolution should be fairly easy to keep unlike some of my previous year's ones that never really had a hope in hell of succeeding cause they were just too bloody unrealistic! No doubt there will be one or two unrealistic ones that somehow manage to sneak by for this year but I'll deal with them when the time comes. Otherwise I have every intention of doing my darnest to try to keep a reasonable perspective when it comes to all of my 2013 resolutions. More to follow in the days to come...promise!!!</div>
sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-71430304966638178672012-12-26T21:30:00.000-05:002012-12-28T04:18:00.575-05:00Depeche Mode<div style="text-align: justify;">
One of my all time favourite bands is <b>Depeche Mode</b>, a band that I've been crazy about since high school - trust me when I say its been a lifetime or three! Fell instantly head over heels the moment I heard <b><i>"Just Can't Get Enough"</i></b> on the radio when I was 17, and for those keeping score, this would be all the way back to 1981. I've been equally passionate about a few other bands - <b>the Clash</b>, <b>Social Distortion</b> and <b>Manic Street Preachers</b> are all bands that I couldn't dream of living without - but all the others are no longer still together though they do still exist to some extent in other reincarnated forms. <b>Depeche Mode</b> is different. After the departure of one of the original four - Vince Clarke - upon completion of their first album, their lineup has remained intact with the other three founding members remaining - Dave Gahan, Martin Lee Gore and Andrew Fletcher.</div>
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Each new album release never failed to disappoint. Something quite rare in the music industry was a band that actually continued to get better and better with age. Their newer music is just as powerful and memorable as some of their decades old hit singles which is really quite rare not to mention an accomplishment considering the band has now been around for over three decades! Personally for any important event of my life these past thirty plus years, there is an associated <b>Depeche Mode</b> song!</div>
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I was just reading on Billboard that the band's last effort, 2009's <b><i>"Sounds of the Universe"</i></b> peaked at No. 3 on the Billboard 200 which is none too shabby. Their new album, which will be <b>Depeche Mode's</b> 13th studio album, is due to be released in March of next year. Plus, they have just announced tour dates to promote their new album.</div>
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<strong style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">European Tour Dates 2013</strong>:</div>
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05-07 Tel Aviv, Israel - Hayarkon Park<br />
05-10 Athens, Greece - Terra Vibe<br />
05-12 Sofia, Bulgaria - Georgi Asparuhov Stadium<br />
05-15 Bucharest, Romania - National Stadium<br />
05-17 Istanbul, Turkey - Kucukciftlik Park<br />
05-19 Belgrade, Serbia - Usce Park<br />
05-21 Budapest, Hungary - Puskas Ferenc Stadium<br />
05-23 Zagreb, Republic of Croatia - Hippodrome<br />
05-25 Bratislava, Slovakia - Inter Stadium<br />
05-28 London, England - O2 Arena<br />
06-01 Munich, Germany - Olympic Stadium<br />
06-03 Stuttgart, Germany - Mercedes-Benz Arena<br />
06-05 Frankfurt, Germany - Commerzbank Arena<br />
06-07 Berne, Switzerland - Stade De Suisse<br />
06-09 Berlin, Germany - Olympic Stadium<br />
06-11 Leipzig, Germany - Red Bull Arena<br />
06-13 Copenhagen, Denmark - Parken<br />
06-15 Paris, France - Stade De France<br />
06-17 Hamburg, Germany - Imtech Arena<br />
06-22 Moscow, Russia - Locomotive Stadium<br />
06-24 St. Petersburg, Russia - SKK Arena<br />
06-27 Borlange, Sweden - Peace & Love Festival<br />
06-29 Kiev, Ukraine - Olympic Stadium<br />
07-03 Dusseldorf, Germany - Esprit Arena<br />
07-07 Werchter, Belgium - Rock Werchter Festival<br />
07-11 Bilbao, Spain - BBK Festival<br />
07-13 Lisbon, Portugal - Optimus Alive Festival<br />
07-16 Nimes, France - Antic Arina<br />
07-18 Milan, Italy - San Siro Stadium<br />
07-20 Rome, Italy - Olympic Stadium<br />
07-23 Prague, Czech Republic - Olympic Stadium<br />
07-25 Warsaw, Poland - National Stadium<br />
07-27 Vilnius, Lithuania - Vingis Park<br />
07-29 Minsk, Belarus - Minsk Arena</div>
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So far no North American dates but I'm sure that they will soon follow. Definitely going to see them come hell or high water. Saw them on their last tour and they were unbelievable!
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sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-23397608562233952672012-07-24T07:11:00.000-04:002012-07-24T07:11:09.404-04:00Island Paradise<div style="text-align: justify;">
It was Jim's birthday yesterday. He is now 46 years young. He had to work for about six hours yesterday but was home early enough in the afternoon that we were able to spend a nice and relaxing time together before having to go out for dinner. We were joining his parents at one of our city's nicer restaurants, <i><b>Milestones,</b></i> at half six to celebrate with them. This was our first time at this restaurant although his parents had been to the Toronto <i><b>Milestones</b></i> with his sister and her husband a few months ago. Surprisingly busy for a Monday evening - it was <i><b>Lady's Night</b></i> - we were none the less quite impressed with our whole experience. </div>
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The decor was elegant and comfortable and our server was bloody fantastic. Definitely a bit on the pricey side but as Jim's Dad was looking after the bill, I didn't dwell too long. One of the <i><b>Lady's Night</b></i> specials was <i><b>4 Bellinis and 4 Appetizers for $40</b></i> so we started with this. Everything was divine though I was starting to feel rather full long before the main course even arrived. I ended up taking half my dinner home in a "doggy" bag after all as I ended up reaching a point where there was no way I could manage another bite.</div>
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We decided to take in a film after dinner but when we got to the theatres by our apartment, the next showing of <i><b>The Dark Knight Rises</b></i> wasn't for another 90 minutes which was too long to hang around waiting for it to start. By this time, we had all had too much to eat anyway and pretty much just wanted to get home to collapse on the sofa in front of the television! Jim and I told his folks that we would do this next week and would treat them for a change so I am pretty sure we'll be going to see it a week today, next Tuesday.</div>
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If all the excitement of celebrating Jim's birthday wasn't enough, we also just managed to put our deposit down with the travel agent to pay for a two week vacation that we'll be going on over Christmas with his folks and his sister and her husband. I am utterly over the moon with anticipation and honestly still have my head in the clouds. Except for two three day mini getaways last year, it has been an eternity since we have been on a proper vacation. Sad to say but it is coming up on near twenty years since our last one.</div>
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This one though will surely go a long way in making up for this I have to admit. We have booked a 10 day cruise of the Caribbean with <i><b>Princess Cruises</b></i>. We are taking what they call their <i><b>Eastern Caribbean Voyager</b></i> on the<span class="ship-name"> <i><b>Emerald Princess</b></i> which leaves r</span>oundtrip from<b> </b>Ft Lauderdale, Florida on December 27, 2012. I don't think I need to state the obvious when I say that this would not have been at all possible if we were both still using and in active addiction. Duh!<br />
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Following is the itinerary for our adventure:</div>
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<u> </u><i><u><b>D</b></u><b><u>estination Arrives Departs </u></b></i></div>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 1</b></td>
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<td><b>Ft. Lauderdale</b></td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">5:00 PM</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 2</b></td>
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<td>At Sea</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 3</b></td>
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<td>At Sea</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 4</b></td>
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<td><b>Antigua</b></td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">8:00 AM</td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">5:00 PM</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 5</b></td>
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<td><b>St. Lucia</b></td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">8:00 AM</td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">6:00 PM</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 6</b></td>
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<td><b>Barbados</b></td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">7:00 AM</td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">4:00 PM</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 7</b></td>
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<td><b>St. Kitts</b></td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">10:00 AM</td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">6:00 PM</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 8</b></td>
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<td><b>St. Thomas</b></td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">7:00 AM</td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">5:00 PM</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 9</b></td>
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<td>At Sea</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 10</b></td>
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<td><b>Princess Cays</b></td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">4:00 PM</td>
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<td nowrap="nowrap" valign="top"><b>Day 11</b></td>
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<td>Ft. Lauderdale</td>
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<td align="right" nowrap="nowrap" valign="top">7:00 AM</td>
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</tbody></table>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-11946354697819665232012-07-20T16:01:00.000-04:002012-07-20T16:03:07.550-04:00Fool Me Once...<h2>
<u>FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005 07 20 </u></h2>
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One of the problems of being an addict - one of the very many - is how vulnerable you can become when you are dope sick - that is, in the middle of withdrawal from opiates where your body starts attacking you in a multitude of horrible ways. Under any other circumstance, your thought and decision making process would act so very differently than it does during withdrawal. Being dope sick muddies and clouds your mind no matter how hard you try to overcome this. Things and circumstances that would normally shout out to you to go the other way or scream at you to ignore or whisper to you that if it looks to good to be true then...suddenly disappear from our arsenal of tools we use to get by in the world.</div>
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No matter how many times I berate myself over what just happened or scream at the top of my lungs or throw pillows til there are none to throw, nothing can change how much of an idiot I feel like for allowing myself to get taken advantage of by a near complete stranger for no other reason other than how much I've allowed myself to become because of how sick my addiction has made me. As loathsome as this addiction is, there is nothing worse than that feeling of desperation one often feels because of it all.</div>
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It was near dawn and I had spent most of the night in a restless sleep. Just before bed, I had made the mistake of recooking some old spoons because we were completely out of everything and wouldn't be able to change this situation until late the next morning at the earliest as we had to wait until approx 4am for Jim's pay to be direct deposited into our bank account. Usually you can manage to get just enough from the old spoons to help with the worst of withdrawal's side effects for a few hours and when you're feeling as bad as this any little bit of relief is more than welcome. I somehow managed to contaminate this shot and as a result within 45 mins I had managed to give myself <b><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cotton_fever" target="_blank">cotton fever</a></b>. </div>
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Cotton fever can often feel worse than withdrawal from opiates though it lasts a relatively short time in comparison. Imagine the hottest and most humid day on record except you're not able to take advantage as your body feels like it has been immersed into a deep freeze it is that cold. More often than naught, there will be a bit of a fever but even if there isn't you won't be able to control your body from shivering nor from dripping sweat. Your head feels as if it has grown to be ten times its normal size with a headache to match and if this wasn't enough every single muscle and bone and in fact fiber in your body feels as if it is under attack. These are just a few of the most common side effects of cotton fever but I've found the few times I've gotten it that these are more than enough on their own!</div>
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This particular evening my cotton fever thankfully lasted just a bit more than two hours in total so I was greatly relieved. Problem is, it tends to leave your body in a much weakened state once it does disappear and the only way to get rid of it entirely is to sleep the remains of it off. I remember looking at the clock just before 1am and nothing else after this until Jim woke me up around quarter past five in the morning. Now, this time when I woke up I could feel no more side effects of the cotton fever though I definitely felt well and truly dope sick. Now as any junky will tell you, once an addict has managed to fall asleep, the last thing you should do is wake them up unless you've got a bloody amazing reason to do this! </div>
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I'd fallen asleep on the sofa and woke fairly quickly after hearing Jim's voice. He was not alone. He quickly explained that he had met this guy at the variety store where he had gone to grab smokes and money from the ATM a few minutes ago. Apparently this guy had lost his keys and was locked out of his apartment until 8 or 9am which was still a few hours away so Jim had invited him to wait at our apartment like the good Samaritan he is. This guy was barely in the door before he was bragging how much he could help me right now with whatever it was that I needed. Nothing at all was a problem and whatever it was that I wanted or needed would be here in no more than twenty minutes.</div>
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Right away, I should have been suspicious but any rational thought had quickly been lost to how dreadful my body was currently feeling. Every pore was screaming out for relief of any kind that I eagerly listened to his sales pitch. He certainly knew the various pain pills and their corresponding doses so was able to walk the talk with little effort. Once he had let me know what he could get, I told him what I wanted. I expected that I would give him the appropriate funds before him and Jim left to collect our order.</div>
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Now before they left him and Jim continued to carry on a conversation that they'd obviously started earlier though it didn't take me too long to follow along. This guy obviously did blow or crack and it didn't seem to matter how many times Jim attempted to tell him this was not something that we were interested in doing, he didn't seem to care. He kept saying the doing a hit would take the edge of my sickness etc until the pills showed up and wouldn't this be better. Well, yes, obviously this would take the edge off but normally it would never be one of my first, second or even third choices...</div>
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Surprise, surprise though. He had to go out to get this crack or blow as he didn't have it on him though he did make sure that he left us with the very distinct impression that he was only grabbing this crack at the same time he'd be grabbing those pills for me cause this guy he was going to see was some sort of one stop shopping kind of drug guy and two birds, one stone etc. Famous last words.</div>
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So off Jim and our new friend go jumping into a cab that I had just called for them. Honestly, they're gone no time at all, probably all of a half an hour. When they walk inside the apartment, I can tell by the look on Jim's face that I won't be happy. They're returning with no pills but $135 worth of crack that we have paid for though this guy is holding on to like its his and his alone. Colour me very confused. When I asked him about the pills, he dismissed me with a wave of his hands even after I persisted. I was quickly becoming pretty bitchy and argumentative and was fast losing my patience.</div>
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Sarcastically, I asked whether our money paid for this crack and the cab fares. Jim said that it was all of our money and none of his. He started to get self righteous with me saying that I was the one who had said that a hit or two would definitely help by taking the edge off of my dope sickness so why was I so bloody upset. I also tried to remind him that we had also told him that we were not looking for crack or cocaine and had had no intention of actively going after this and that the only reason we gave him any money at all was that we were supposed to be getting pills at the same time he was getting this. He was very possessive of this bloody crack and no amount of me attempting to explain why I found this whole situation offensive seemed to have any affect. He kept insisting that as soon as I did a few hits I would feel better and that he would be on his way shortly to grab those pills he had promised. As I could see the direction this was taking, I decided that there was little that we could do except ensure that we got our moneys worth out of this crack we had just paid for.</div>
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Shockingly once it was all gone, he was ready to book also and I guess I could not really blame him either. Just as suddenly, he could not find anyone that might have the pills that we needed. Excuse after excuse after excuse followed. I demanded money for the crack that he had smoked but had been bought with our dime as well as money back for the cost of the cabs but nothing. I was not prepared to back down. He said that there was one place he could go to grab pills and of course, he would be using his money to pay for them. Another cabbed called and another crack of dawn trip made with the guys returning in short order. When they return he hands me a bunch of pills wrapped up in some clear plastic wrap. Once opened I see that they are all garbage and of absolute no use to us. It is as if someone had gone into their medicine cabinet and grabbed whatever over the counter meds were lying around in there. </div>
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When I tell him that I don't want them he says that he has to return them to his guy exactly as he got them in order to get the money back. What money, or more appropriately whose money, did he need to get back? Of course, we had to spend an additional $60 plus the cost of the cab fares for all of this. When I demanded that he pay me the money that he owes us he starts to get all indignant and self righteous like he is the wronged party. I tell him to get out of my apartment and to stop saying that you're going to pay for this or that or whatever else cause I no longer cared. I called him a liar as well as a long list of other colourful not to mention pejorative names. He kept saying more of the same sort of crap that he'd bee spouting for the past hour now, but I did my best to ignore it. He said that I was lucky that he didn't trash my place for the names I was calling but he wouldn't do this as he wasn't going to disrespect me - whatever this means. He challenged me to call the police to charge him with stealing $200 from us as well. finally, he left.</div>
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Right now I am angry, upset and frustrated for a number of reasons though mostly I am mad at myself for not putting a stop to this whole fiasco before it even had a chance to start. The writing had been clearly on the wall but I choose to ignore it on the off chance that this one time this guy was actually on the level and could be trusted. When you are dope sick you want to believe so very badly that this person will actually turn out to be better than advertised and is not simply taking advantage of a situation that has practically been handed to them on a silver platter. </div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-29944358968302381212012-07-04T23:45:00.000-04:002012-07-05T04:10:47.527-04:00Gitsi Goo | A Tribute<div style="text-align: justify;">
On Monday morning at 5:44am Eastern Time, I lost one of my dearest companions, my cat <b><i>Goo</i></b>. She was only five years and three months old which seems so very young to die. I had always imagined that I would have a decade plus or more with her so to be robbed of this so suddenly has left me heartbroken and sadder than I ever could have imagined. I knew just how lucky I was and just how very special she was but I never imagined that this would be put to the test quite so soon. Until <b><i>Goo</i></b>, I never understood why or how people could become so attached to a pet. I had never before experienced it for myself so I was completely unable to relate. After the last three days of crying near non-stop, I can relate all to well. The hole she has left with her death seems so vast that it will never be able to be filled again.</div>
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This entry can never begin to really do her justice properly but I am hoping that it at least attempts to honour her the way she deserved to be honoured. Her death would be a tragedy regardless of when it occurred, but I think that because it happened so very unexpectedly and suddenly as well as while she was still so very young, that it has hit that much harder. If I hadn't had gotten up so uncharacteristically early Monday morning, I may also have missed it, but as my brother and his family were arriving from Nova Scotia I wanted to make sure everything was ready. </div>
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<b><i>Goo</i></b> had just used her litter box when she followed me out into the living room. I had my back to her as I reached for a pile of clean laundry that I had planned on ironing and it was while I was doing this that I heard an unusually sounding thud from behind. When I turned around, I saw <b><i>Goo</i></b> lying on her side where I knew she had fallen. Something about the whole image just seemed so very wrong so I reached down quickly to touch and shake her, calling her name the entire time. No response so I rushed down the hall calling Jim to come quickly as there was something wrong with <b><i>Goo</i></b>. Even as I said these words and then answered his question of what I meant, deep down I knew that she was already gone. When I had touched her, even though her eyes were wide open, there had been nothing behind them.</div>
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I still let Jim try to rouse her as he kept calling her name and shaking her gently but I knew that nothing was going to happen. She was so completely gone and gone so bloody suddenly. In hindsight I suspect she was gone even before she touched the floor when I heard that thumping noise. I guess I can find some solace in the fact that she couldn't have really been aware of what was happening so hopefully her pain was minimal if any. Outwardly there were no signs of duress - no frothing at the mouth nor nothing leaking or bleeding from her eyes, ears, mouth etc. Nothing unusual on her little paddies or paws or anywhere on her body. Until I heard her fall over, she had been acting completely normal betraying nothing of what was about to come. Her death is an utter and complete mystery to both Jim and I and will remain so as we choose not to take her to the vet for a kitty autopsy or its equivalent.</div>
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I've now spent the past three days, crying near nonstop. I miss her every second that she's not here and have yet to really accept that I will no longer get to see her ever again. She'll never again snuggle on my chest, throwing her head back to rest on my chin while I watch television. She'll never again sit in front of me patiently waiting for me to break a bit of a Tim Horton's muffin off for her for her treat. She'll never again flounce unceremoniously into my lap stretching herself out on her back, waiting for her tummy to be rubbed. I'll never again hear her meow upon wakening for me after she has wandered into an open closet whose door suddenly gets closed before anyone hast noticed how comfortable <b><i>Goo</i></b> has gotten and then gone and fallen asleep somewhere in there. So many memories...<br />
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<i>About six and a half years ago, my daughter's boyfriend at the time approached Jim and I to ask us permission about something. He wanted to give Sara a female cat about a year old that did not have the most ideal living situation. I don't think that this cat was overtly abused but she definitely needed a more loving and attentive home than her current one. Aside from the fact that we were impressed with his overt politeness and obvious forethought, we also thought that this would be a good idea as Sara had recently lost her cat of eleven years and was really missing her company. This rather scrawny and somewhat skittish tabby was promptly named <b>Christina</b> <b>Superstar</b> after a character from one of Sara's favourite movies at the time, <b>Party Monster</b>.</i></div>
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<i>From the start, this cat was a little peculiar but always friendly, and right from the start her and Sara bonded nicely. She didn't like loud noises of any kind and didn't particularly care for male voices nor did she react well to any sudden, unexpected movements - none of this has changed much other than tolerating familiar male voices now rather than none at all. About three months after <b>Christina</b> arriving, this same boyfriend shows up on our doorstep - literally - with this tiny, tiny black cat tucked under his coat. </i></div>
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<i>At the time, this kitten could just about fit into the palm of Jim's hand. It was the tiniest thing I'd ever seen. It certainly looked far too young to have been weened from its Mother, and in fact, Mike was pretty sure his Mother was gone as he had stumbled upon this little thing while he was cutting through the woods near his house on his way from school one wet and miserable day. This little ball of black fur was all by its lonesome in the box Mike found, obviously abandoned and left to die. He earned the name <b>Boo Boo</b> because his head seemed to big for his body and seemed to bauble all around whenever he moved.</i></div>
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<i>I'm pretty sure we knew it was a male right from the start, and still we agreed to let the girls keep it as they promised that they would look after getting the cats fixed. Our first mistake.</i></div>
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<i>About a year later, Sara comes to us with her suspicions that <b>Christina</b> just might be pregnant, and, boy was she right! Somehow this scrawny, little thing that barely weighed 8 lbs soaking wet managed to give birth to a litter of seven remarkably healthy offspring. Even more surprising was the sire who less than a year earlier barely looked as if he would even live. Ironically, he is now a majestic six year old tipping the scales at just over 16 lbs, so who knew...</i></div>
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<i>From this litter, we were somehow conned into allowing the girls to keep two of the kittens. They choose the runt of the litter who just happened to be an all black male fairly resembling his Father. Their second choice was a tabby though a much lighter version of the Mother. The male was christened <b>Pootie Tang</b> after the 2001 movie of the same name though thankfully this was quickly shortened to Pootie. The female tabby was named after another character from <b>Party Monster, Gitsi</b>.</i></div>
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<i><b>Gitsi</b> became<b> Gitsi Goo</b> and finally just <b>Goo</b>. <b>Goo</b> was the most amazing cat in the world, at least to me. For whatever reason, pretty much right from the start she showed an affinity towards me. It wasn't long before everyone accepted that <b>Goo</b> was my cat, she had chosen me and I couldn't have felt any luckier or happier. She had quite the personality. When she was a kitten we used to call her <b>Killer</b> cause she was fearsome, afraid of nothing nor fearful of trying anything. She could jump the highest, the furthest, the fastest...Some of the places I'd find her would make me shake my head in wonder. How she'd ever even figure out the logistics was a mystery in itself.</i></div>
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<i>She loved pastries of any kind, but most especially the muffins or cookies from Tim Horton's. I'd always break off a tiny piece for her to munch on whenever I had one. Heaven forbid if I ever forgot. She always knew whenever one of us walked in the door with Tim Horton's. One time, I had forgotten that I had put a paper-bag of their cookies into my purse where it had fallen to the bottom. When I walked in the door this time, I dropped my handbag in the middle of the living room floor and probably wandered off to use the bathroom. I was barely gone five minutes, but by the time I had returned she had managed to rummage through my purse in search of this long forgotten pastry delight and had dragged the paper bag out. She then proceeded to open said paper bag and grab one of the cookies inside. Before I had a chance to do anything, she had the whole thing in her mouth and was making a dash for it! Too late. Caught and foiled. Drat! Even though she didn't get the entire cookie, I still made sure to share it with her. This was just one of the many things I loved about her.</i></div>
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<i>Another thing that I am going to desperately miss will be how every morning if she wasn't on the bed with me already, the moment she heard my voice, she would race onto the bed to greet me for the day. Once I was up and about for the day, she would be my shadow every second that she wasn't sleeping. Wherever I went, she went. At night, if I lingered a little longer than normal in going to bed then she would patiently sit and wait for me all the while warming my side of the bed. Once I was in bed, she would settle down and snuggle beside me - always lying against my left side putting herself between me and the edge of the bed.</i></div>
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<i>There are so many things that I could go on about this adorable little thing but the more I do, the more upset I am becoming. It is really hard right now. Jim used to say how her little face would come to life every time she heard my voice or how she would seem to listen to everything I said with rapt attention never seeming to notice anyone else in the room. I didn't think it possible to become so attached to a four legged furry little animal but I'm discovering that it is more than possible - it is devastatingly heartbreakingly possible. I am going to miss her so much. I still don't really believe that she is gone or at least I don't want to believe. </i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_KZSesLHc26m272qI-BT4t7EGtSjxvfy3oGuJ-PvArOjoo3Slz6S1_qn59Zc727_DLYVR7vdJtaEI_vJwaPJJpmZSQRm-k-UBRtcXCbZRozvky2oo-cIYYY_Pq_8YyKDWi-sbuPSacNj2/s1600/Goo.03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_KZSesLHc26m272qI-BT4t7EGtSjxvfy3oGuJ-PvArOjoo3Slz6S1_qn59Zc727_DLYVR7vdJtaEI_vJwaPJJpmZSQRm-k-UBRtcXCbZRozvky2oo-cIYYY_Pq_8YyKDWi-sbuPSacNj2/s320/Goo.03.jpg" width="285" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">R.I.P. GITSI GOO</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">MARCH 28, 2007 TO JULY 2, 2012</span></div>
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<br /></div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-3022583733780200832012-06-20T03:05:00.001-04:002012-06-20T03:05:59.209-04:00Junkylife Archives<div style="text-align: justify;">
For the next little while, I am going to post some older entries of mine from a previous blog I had which had been hosted at a domain which, sadly, no longer exists. From July 2005 until approx May 2007, I maintained an online journal titled <b><i>Why Do Anything When You Can Forget Everything?</i></b> at <b><i>www.junkylife.com</i></b>. Before the domain was kind of unceremoniously shut down, I had managed to post just over 200 entries. While I did manage to get a copy of all of these posts, I haven't been able to figure out how to upload them and add them as part of this blog so from time to time I have entered one of my old posts. I'd like to be able to somehow incorporate these posts with this journal because they cover a part of my past that was particularly dark and personally frightening which is something that I never want to be cavalier about nor ever forget. This blog also witnessed my transition out of this near hopeless place as I finally decided to try to get myself help for my opiate addiction. I was able to chronical right from the start my experience with <b><i>Methadone Maintenance Treatment - MMT -</i></b> (my first dose was at the end of January 2006).</div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-10701365104179727892012-06-20T02:39:00.000-04:002012-06-20T02:41:04.101-04:00Tuesday, Tuesday<h2>
<u>FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2006-01-31 </u></h2>
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Well I am halfway through my day at work and I have to admit for the first time in a really long time I actually feel OK. Yesterday was my first dose of methadone and as luck would have it, I also ended up being moved to permanent days on the exact same day. Suddenly with little to no warning I will be working permanent full time days for the first time since March 1996. Combined with starting to go to the klinic on a regular basis, I am pleasantly surprised that I am not as stressed as I thought that I should be today!</div>
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I finally got my 20mg dose of methadone yesterday around 5pm. It had been a rather long, painful day waiting for it but within an hour of taking it, I definitely felt its effects. I had increased energy and the aches and pains in my legs slowly subsided. I also got some rather good news during my intake interview. My doctor said that there must be an angel sitting on my shoulder because my body does not appear to show any of the normal signs of such an abusive lifestyle. All of my bloodwork as well as my EKG came back with excellent results. Who''da thunk that I was actually healthy? So much for being a hypochondriac! Obviously I am thrilled to bits with this news cause it will just end up making me more determined to follow the MMT program to the letter. If I have managed to get to near 42 without any real serious health issues, I would like to kind of keep it this way.</div>
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I did a pill around 10pm last night and one around 2am but for the most part, I didn''t experience the normal aggitation that I should have been knowing that I didn''t really have a supply. I also knew that I would be waking up unusually early for me. Not only was I getting up early but I was going to have to be instantly mobile to go to work. Normally this would flood me with fear but as the klinic opens at 7am on Tuesdays, I decided that the best thing to do would be to dose just prior to work. It has now been four and a half hours and I am happy to report that I am feeling relaxed and not experiencing any normal sickness. If I can maintain this until 4pm, I will be thrilled. Yes, I plan on copping at that time but I think I am still making fantastic progress all things considered.</div>
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Once I have reached a stabilized dose I plan on taking my methadone at the same time every day. I am just slightly freaked out right now because of my whole move to having to be in the office during normal business hours something that I have managed to avoid for nearly a decade! All in all though I am feeling positive for the first time in a really long time! Yeah for me! </div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-47720059634995740182012-06-19T02:43:00.000-04:002012-06-20T02:45:17.373-04:00Monday, Monday<h2>
<u>FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2006-01-30</u></h2>
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Trying very hard to get through the next two hours of work. I went to my methadone intake this morning and I get my first dose at 4pm today. Got to love that it is split over the day but I suppose better than waiting until tomorrow. Normally that is the routine but just lucky the way things worked out with me. I am fiending right now because I don''t have anything and I am not usually at work when I am quite this lucid. My dealer got picked up with all of his pills last night although he will be able to pick them up from the police station as soon as he finds his receipt as he is actually prescribed them. Sucks cause he got picked up before he got to my place so I think the rest of you can pretty much fill in the blanks. Grrr. There is someone else that I deal with but she is currently bailing her boyfriend out of jail so I am so stuck here at work with not an option in sight. Three o''clock can not arrive soon enough. My legs are starting to cramp and I am about to get whiney but what''s a girl to do?</div>
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I start at 20 - is it mg or ml? - of methadone and increase in units of five twice per week until I have reach a stabilized dose. I think that the last time I was on it I went as high as 90 which seemed to do the trick for me cause I wasn''t using or even thinking of using. So I guess in six or seven weeks I should be drug free except for the methadone if all goes according to plan. The doctor seems quite nice. He gave me this tomb of a book to read on recovery. I think it is like a door prize. I get to keep it just for coming out. Well if this day continues as slow as it is then I may be forced to educate myself! </div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-55090690144828796002012-06-18T03:45:00.000-04:002012-06-20T03:46:44.574-04:00And Then...<h2>
<u>FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005-10-06</u></h2>
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Well I am at work so I guess that this is something positive. Feel like crap even though I just did a pill. Spent the last of my money until next week on it so am feeling somewhat bittersweet about no longer feeling sick. Always leaves a bit of an aftertaste in my mouth when I use the last of our funds on straightening me out. I was able to reason the expense though in that as we have no real income until my next payday which is still eight days away, that $20 was really not going to benefit us to any great extent. Not as if we could exist for over a week on a $20 budget so figured I might as well be broke a few hours earlier than I was going to be anyway. Pffft...Whatever.</div>
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I guess it didn''t help that we had to hand over $1320 for first and last month''s rent on Monday. Obviously had we not have had that expense then things would have been entirely different. I was trying to encourage Jim to go ask for an advance on his pay today but I doubt very much that he will do it. He didn''t seem to be giving me any positive feedback so no hopes up I guess. I could cross my fingers and hope for a miracle but that too would only end up being fruitless. I guess though that I am in a decent enough mood. It is still ridiculously hot and humid in southwestern Ontario, kind of unusual for this time of year. Probably a good thing as I have no idea where my warmer clothes are. Packed most definitely. I did manage to get all of our clothes out so it is just a matter of opening the correct garbage bag!!!</div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-82999085061191997062012-06-17T06:05:00.000-04:002012-06-20T08:22:44.953-04:00Love Letters<div align="justify">
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<u>FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005 09</u></h2>
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A number of years ago, Jim had to go to California and Mexico without me and, unfortunately , he had to do this three week trip without any sort of chemical help so to speak. This was significant because at this time we were pretty deep into our addiction, easily at our worst. As he couldn't take the chance of trying to bring anything illegal with him through customs, he was pretty much forced to go cold turkey pretty right from the start of his not at all brief trip. While he was away, instead of my normal entries on my blog, I composed letters to him so he could read them while he was away. The following is what I first wrote in my journal to explain what I was about to do as well as some of my correspondence to him:<br />
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<b><i>2005-09-17</i></b></div>
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<em>For the next two weeks, I am going to do something a little different with my journal. My boyfriend, partner, husband, whatever label you want to put on it is away in San Francisco and Mexico. This is by far the longest time that Jim and I have ever been separated since we became a "couple". Until about a half an hour before he actually left, I didn''t realize how much I was going to, actually am, miss him. The last two days have been a bit of a haze for me. You don''t realize how dependent you have become on someone I guess until they are no longer there even just for the short term. I know that he is coming back but that still hasn''t made it any easier. I have said before how lucky I am to have found someone like Jim and this is now more apparent than ever. I feel bad for all of the times that I have taken him for granted or been mean unneccesarily to him or just plain ignored him because he was being "irritating". I am glad that he is coming back, that it is only a vacation for him, because I vow that upon his return, I will have a whole new outlook towards us and toward him. He has this address so I hope that he is able to access a computer over the next two weeks. He should be able to as I checked the Princess Cruise brochure and apparently they do have internet cafes on board.</em></div>
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<em>First a little background on his "vacation". His parents fortieth wedding anniversary was yesterday I believe and they thought that this would be the perfect time to get him and his sister and themselves to celebrate it by going on a near three week vacation. Only them though, neither of their children''s significant others so that is why I have been left behind. Now this is the last thing that Jim wanted to do, be trapped for eighteen days with his parents and sister with nothing to relieve the associated stress. He has gone on this trip with no more than a dozen and a half Percodan and by now withdrawal sickness of no parallel with no help in sight. No one else knows about his dependency on the pills plus he would not get any sympathy even if they did, more likely an intervention. So here he is three thousand miles from home having to go through withdrawal but without letting his family know. And the Oscar this year goes to...</em></div>
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<b><i>2005-09-18</i></b>
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Dear Jim,</div>
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Well it has been two days now since you left, almost forty eight hours exactly. Sorry about being so emotional. I was even caught by surprise. You''ll think I am silly even now as I find my eyes tearing up as I type this but then you''ve always known how emotional I get. Remember the first time I watched <strong>Phenomena</strong> or <strong>As Good as it Gets</strong>? I''ve been rewatching <strong>Battlestar Gallactica</strong> with Sara over the last day and a half and have been crying at some of the episodes! I have managed to get her to watch about three of them so far and she actually admitted to quite liking the show!</div>
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After you left, I went up to the dollar store to buy ribbon cause I had a brilliant idea creatively. I have made six more of those little purses that you brought for your Mom and sister! Sara called from Sara #2''s house so I went to pick them both up to bring them back to our apartment. They were both grieving for the <strong>P-O-T</strong> of course and didn''t find any until 11pm that night. Made them take the bus to meet their friend as I wasn''t taking a chance driving the truck at night even though they only had to go to Wonderland and Commissioners.</div>
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I got a call from *** around 8pm and he wanted to borrow the truck to pick up some tile for Steve or something and I said that he could but that as it was dark, I wasn''t comfortable driving it over. He said that he had a driver and would be right over. Right...Up until about 3am, he called about every hour to say that he was a couple minutes away, there in half an hour, blah, blah, blah. I think that I finally fell asleep shortly after 3am but he did end up calling around 11am Sunday morning. I brought the truck over to him and he gave me a few pills and then drove me home. The two Saras hung around the apartment most of Sunday smoking their <strong>P-O-T </strong>and sleeping on and off. I cleaned up the living room and got half of the bedroom tidied up. Nice mess we created while looking for your birth certificate! My main priority cleaning wise was to be able to sit on the bed comfortably so mission accomplished. Your side of the bedroom still looks as if a bomb went off but I guess I have lots of time to straighten that mess out. Still no notice by the way so...</div>
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I told *** to keep the truck overnight as I had no use for it. Sara #2 took a bus home around 8pm last night and then Sara and I went to Burger King to grab some dinner and watch some tv. It was a nice quiet night and I think that we both went into bed with the lights out by 11pm. I felt really tired although I seemed to wake up about every two hours throughout the night. Her alarm ended up waking me up but not her this morning. I woke her up around 7am and after some mad dashing around she was out the door for school. As she never came back, I assume that she didn''t miss her bus. This morning I just didn''t feel like getting out of bed and drifted in and out of sleep until almost 1pm. I called *** to see if he could come get me for work but he wasn''t at home - think he was getting lucky if I understood what he was telling me. He had left the truck at Steve''s cause he had had too much to drink last night and didn''t want to risk driving it. He wasn''t at Steve''s either but at a lady friend, not Sharon but someone else too. He sent a limo for me to get me to work! I didn''t mean for him to do that but I didn''t turn it down either.</div>
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So I am at work drug free but I don''t feel as bad as I normally do. My stomach is a little upset though and I figure that you are probably in worse shape than I so I am not complaining. Sucking it up and am going to get through the day no matter what. Work has been extremely slow today and I have already been here two hours. Have only had one call. This entry has taken most of my time excellent typist that I am - not!</div>
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Hope you have a chance to read this. Comment if you do. I really, really miss you and can''t wait until you are back on Canadian soil. I hope that it is not as awful as you imagined it would be and trust that you are doing your best to get along with your sister. I love you. Sending you only good thoughts and wishes.</div>
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<strong>P.S. Update 7:36pm</strong> Well I am almost done for the day and I have more or less made it. I am still standing, well sitting actually, but you know what I mean. Opiate free for an entire shift at work. This certainly is a first in a long time. I just want to go home now. Don''t want to see anyone. Guess I will have to see *** about the truck but unless he offers, I ain''t saying a thing. He has already been generous enough and I am not comfortable asking for additional favours right now. ***** is of absolute no use either as *** has said he has cut her off for good this time, no more favours after this past weekend when she was talking trash about him. He says that he means it this time and right now I believe him. And well with ** cut my nose to spite my face so to speak so what is left? Just little old me. Wish my head would back off and my arms would stop shaking but I''ll be OK, I guess. Still missing you and hope to hear from you soon. kisses always.... </div>
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<b><i>2005-09-19</i></b><br />
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<i>Dear Jim,</i></div>
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<i>It is now 4:14am and I think that I am going to try to go to sleep. My back is kind of aching and I am tired of feeling all hot and sweaty. Maybe if I try to lie still I will start to cool down. I went over to Tim Horton''s around midnight to grab an ice capp and it was nice and cool outside so I have no idea why it feels so hot and humid up here.</i></div>
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<i>I couldn''t get a hold of *** after work. Well that is not entirely true. He was somewhere in White Oaks and didn''t know when he would be travelling north again so I just decided to take the bus home and forget about the truck. Funny how people that do not have jobs forget about those of us that do. Oh well, probably for the best as I/we can''t afford to go into any more debt right now. I took half of the Percodans that I "stole" from you and they seemed to help a little. Going to save the remaining three for just before work tomorrow. Sara stayed overnight at Katie''s which was just as well as I probably wouldn''t have been the greatest company.</i></div>
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<i>Still no white paper on the front door and I checked to see if the rental sign is still up in the window of Talbot St and it is. I think that I will wait until later in the week but if the sign is still there, I will call the guy that we talked to. I plan on offering him a $150 to hold the apartment for us explaining that you are away for two weeks. I will be able to give him the remainder of the money on the 30th of this month. It''s not as if he was expecting to receive any money for September anyway so hopefully he will go for this. Fingers crossed naturally.</i></div>
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<i>OK am going to try and sleep now. I am still watching <strong>Battlestar Gallactica</strong> episodes. I started season one over last night and am now on the ninth one I believe, the one when the drunken colonel''s wife returns. I love the dinner scene amongst everyone upon her return. Hahahaha. </i></div>
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<i>Kisses and love always...</i></div>
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<b><i>2005-09-20</i></b><br />
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Dear Jim,</div>
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It is almost quarter to eight and I am only getting to this now. Today has been crazy busy because our activation server had been down for the last six days so everyone has been calling in today to get their stupid software activated. At least I haven''t really had a chance to feel too sorry for myself! Looks as if you are missing absolutely nothing here. Again I have not been able to get ahold of *** so I am just going to hop on a bus to go home. Not really in a postion to hunt him down nor do I really feel too inclined to either. Thought about calling ****** but what''s the point. Don''t feel like dealing with her crap attitude anyway.</div>
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I shall update this more once I get home. Still no word from our current property management company which I think is rather strange but not about to investigate either. Might as well leave well enough alone right? </div>
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Ok just got another bloody call and it will probably take me until the end of my shift.</div>
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Missing you terribly,</div>
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<b><i>2005-09-21</i></b><br />
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<i>Dear Jim,</i></div>
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<i>I hope that you got my most recent emails. Everyone has been really helpful and quick to respond about what to do once you get to Mexico. It may not be impossible after all except for the part about losing your parents and sister. I hope that they are not glued to you like Crazy Glue!</i><br />
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<i>It is almost midnight and I am just about to get into bed. Tired and kind of sore right now. Work was busy the entire day which was different but I don''t really have any interest in talking about it. As I said in my first email, I have been taking a 400mg Advil every four hours and then one of the LiquiGel Advils also every four hours but opposite to the other. I have also been pounding back some Vitamin 12 each time I take the Advil. Plus I took a Claritin Liberator 24 hour allergy pill too cause I noticed that they have 240mg pseudoephedrine sulfate which I was hoping would give me a wee bit of energy. I suppose the fact that I stayed awake at work meant it worked. Duh...Try a sauna and whirlpool if you have a chance. I know how much you hate saunas but maybe sweating out some of the poisons will help. The whirlpool will certainly help your aching muscles. I took two today and plan on doing the same tomorrow.</i><br />
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<i>Remember those blue denim shoes that I got with the ridiculous five inch heels? Well I glued the heel that was broken and thought that it would be a good idea to wear them to work today cause they looked super nice with the pants that I was wearing. Hmmm, not one of my brighter ideas seeing how the last time I wore heels was sometime back in 1988 just prior to breaking my knee cap. I left the apartment for work, got on the elevator and the moment that I got to the lobby I sat down on the couch to switch into my sandles. Didn''t think that I would make it to the bus stop in one piece if I had kept them on although they did look pretty smashing when I was sitting at my desk.</i><br />
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<i>So of course I wait until the last second to go to work and head out to take the 1:35 bus which gets downtown at 1:55. I really should have taken the prior bus just in case something went wrong which of course it did. I get on the bus and there are two other passengers already on it except that one of them was totally passed out across about five seats and the bus driver was totally stressed. He asked me if I was in a hurry and I said well, I did have to be at work by 2pm but I understood about the possible delay. He said that he had just called the ambulance and sure enough I saw and heard it almost immediately - like it had really far to travel! Suddenly right behind it two fire engines come to a screaming stop. The paramedics come on the bus through the back door and attempt to wake this sleeping beauty. When she finally comes to she practically jumps through the roof. The one paramedic starts asking her questions especially if she had been doing any "recreational" drugs today. Probably not. She must have just been really tired! Anyway they finally get her off the bus and into the ambulance so that the bus can leave. The paramedics and firefighters must have been pretty fast cause I was at work and signed onto my computer by exactly 1:59pm.</i><br />
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<i>After tidying up the mess we made the other day while looking for your birth certificate, I quickly made it considerably worse by deciding to sort through all the leftover pieces of taffeta with the intent to organize. I also decided to make a few more of those purses that you gave to your sister and mother and before I knew it, I had about a dozen more made. They all look very pretty and shiny too! I didn''t really know what to do with them so I started pushig thumb tacks through the wall to hang them on. Boy, do they end up covering quite a large portion of space but they sure look bright and colourful and will most definitely be objects of your ridicule upon your return! </i><br />
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<i>OK my smoke is almost done so I am going to climb into bed now. It''s lonely there without you. I even miss your rocking back and forth. Hope to hear from you soon. Have a good night and try to get some sleep. Love you and miss you. Bunches of kisses and hugs always, </i><br />
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<i>I received the following email in my mailbox this morning. Isn''t he the most?</i><br />
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<em><strong>"hi sweetie,</strong></em></div>
<em><strong>it would seem that this is going to be a lot tougher than i originally believed it would be .... and i don''t believe that it is to do with drugs .... merely the not being near you i am seemingly having a terrible time with. i will try to monitor this account as best as i can.</strong></em><br />
<em><strong>with my love, jim"</strong></em><br />
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<b><i>2005-09-22</i></b><br />
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Dear Jim,</div>
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I am absolutely bored to tears. I am at work right now and it is almost 3pm. Only five more hours to go until I can go home. My hands are so sore and swollen that I can barely type. I didn''t go to work yesterday because I just didn''t feel like it. I ended up sleeping most of the day and most of last night. I even found it hard to get up this morning but I had to as I had court. I got it adjourned until October 6th cause I didn''t know what else to do. I wish that you had been here so that you could have gone with me. I felt so alone and just wanted to cry but I made it through. They also go alphabetically so I had to wait until almost one before they called my name. Then I just came to work.</div>
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****** has the truck right now because she needed to go pick up Daryll who is getting out of jail today. I just had her go pick it up from ***. She is of no use right now anyway as *** has totally cut her off and she was waiting to get more speed. I had her bring some P-O-T to Sara and she managed to grab two oxy40mgs for me but I hardly even noticed them when I did them. I probably shouldn''t have cause now I am back to day one. I had at least not done anything since Sunday. Oh well not too much I can do about it right now. I don''t know why my hands are so sore though. Typing is actually rather tough for me right now.</div>
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Tell me about the ship. Is it nice? Do you have to share a room with your sister? Are there things to do on it? Are you seasick? Is it warm? I am so glad that you actually found my blog. You should try to read some of the others that are part of junkylife because there are some really interesting people that contribute here. OK I am really,really sorry but this is all an update I can do right now. I am not exaggerating but my hands are for crap.</div>
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Love you intensely and miss you outrageously and can''t wait until you are home,</div>
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<b><i>2005-09-23</i></b><br />
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<i>Dear Jim,</i></div>
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<i>I am so excited that you are leaving comments in my journal. We could start making it <strong>our</strong> journal if you wanted to although I know that you are not terribly keen on the whole typing thing. Something to think about for the future perhaps. I am at my second computer at work today and neither one has let me load MSN Web Messenger for some reason. Keeps timing out which is unusual because normally the speed in which pages load is never an issue. I just did a speed test and my connection is 136 Kbps or download speed of 17 kB/s which sucks beyond belief. Normally our speeds our lightening fast so I don''t understand. Going to check to see if Dane is still here and ask him if they did any changes.</i></div>
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<i>Yesterday in the early evening we had one of the best thunderstorms that I have seen in a really, really long time. It lasted for close to two hours also which was pretty cool. Usually the worst of it will last ten or fifteen minutes but not this bad boy. I was at work for most of it. Most of the city lost their electicity for a little bit but of course not work. Sara said that the apartment was without for about an hour but was on by the time that I got home from work. </i></div>
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<i>On my way to work today, I happened to notice a poster for a show tonight at the Whippet Lounge. Guess who is playing? Come on, guess. OK...<strong>The Vapids</strong> and <strong>Johnny Terrien and the Bad Lts</strong>. Hahahaha...Thought that this was really funny for some reason. I am half toying with the idea of stopping into to the Whippet to check the show out but I probably won''t which makes me a reallly lame-o person. I mean would it really kill me to wander down there? No not really. Maybe I can convince Sara to go with me. This would be a perfect show for you and I to go to together but of course, you know that already.</i></div>
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<i>My head has been pounding all day. I think that I have spoken about six words to people at work. Thank goodness the phones have been quiet. Think I may have only had about four calls so far too. Whew. I can''t smoke either as my stomach is upset. Everytime I go to light a cigarette, I get that feeling that I am going to be sick so I put it out immediately. Haven''t had one cigarette since I got to work today either.</i></div>
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<i>Bad news of sorts. Mr Jamie B got picked up by le police last evening I guess. Wonder if les brothers can share a cell? Apparently there was a high speed chase that culminated in ******''s backyard of all places although the police did not go to talk to her or anyone at her house once they had arrested him. He called her on his cell phone to let her know what was going on so she said the sirens etc were no surprise when they did finally arrive. She said she didn''t open any of her doors just in case but she could hear the police telling him to get out of the car and to lie on the ground, etc, etc. I forgot to ask her what time this all occurred. Silly, silly boy. Now he is screwed. He should have just done those weekends when he had a chance cause I don''t think he''ll be released any time in the near future now.</i></div>
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<i>There is more that I want to say but my hands are a tad sore and I don''t really feel like typing right now. I am going to cruise around and catch up on my fellow junkylifers for a little bit right now I think.</i></div>
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<i>Still missing you outrageously. I can''t remember what started me off yesterday but I started crying for no reason at home before work cause you weren''t around. Needless to say, my sleeping is for crap. I have yet to find a comfortable position for one and fear that this is but a dream now anyway. Even the cat''s presence cannot soothe me although she is trying her best. Well, your return is now certainly getting closer. We are halfway there so that''s something. I am so glad that you are actually returning cause I don''t know what I would do if for some reason we were to actually separate - <strong>OK, so now I know that this is something that will never, ever happen unless it is over my dead body!!!!</strong></i></div>
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<i>Love you always and hope to hear from you very soon,</i></div>
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<b><i>2005-09-25</i></b></div>
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Dear Jim,</div>
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OK I am now over that intense interlude of me feeling oh so sorry for myself and to heck with the rest of you pitiful souls. How very selfish of me and kind of typical too, huh? Sorry, that really wasn''t very nice of me cause knowing you, you will go and worry about me when you should be focusing on yourself.</div>
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I think that I read that morphine and maybe vicodan were the painkillers most often prescribed by pharmacists in Mexico but I will double check that. I am pretty sure that you can get valium or similar type products over the counter so even if you are not brave enough to follow Katie''s advice you should probably grab some of the valium typed meds cause at the very least, they may knock you out enough to get at least a decent nights sleep.</div>
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I did an oxy the other day but nothing since. When I say that you are not missing anything here, I am so not exaggerating. Even though it does kind of suck, I am kind of glad that this is happening while you are away because it has forced me to be realistic with the situation rather than depend on you to somehow make everything all better and then getting all bent out of shape when you are unable to pull that rabbit out of the hat! Still don''t like it but you get the gist I think. *** is out although he just called to say he has those time release ones in 12mg and 24mg sizes. You know the ones that you have to grind into a really fine powder before attempting anything else with them. They are dilaudids though which still puts them ahead of those horrific oxycontins. Now, honestly, I am just feeling too damn lazy to go out although I know that I will regret this later. Hmmm...must ponder. </div>
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****** obviously does not have any either as she gets hers from *** and is just so inconvenienced to look for alternatives unless absolutely forced. Now that Jamie is in jail it will be doubly harder to get her to be arsed so thankfully this may be the beginning of the end of our dealings with her. Although I have not yet, ** is prepared to deal with me again cause I called to apologize. I was actually calling about getting a carton of cigarettes but I am apparently absolved and can call around for the other if I so choose. I definitely am getting a carton tomorrow before traffic court but must ponder the other. Do not want to screw myself financially this week. Sara did manage to score some cash from her Granny so we are flush again for a minute or two! </div>
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This time though I have been experiencing some rather strange side effects on top of your regular garden variety ones. For some reason, I have broken out in canker sores/blisters across my top lip and inside the top of my mouth. They just popped up suddenly overnight but I had been complaining to anyone that would listen of feeling kind of rundown these past few days so probably related. I just got rid of a near three day headache about two and a half hours ago and with its demise, my naseau seems to also disappeared. The upset stomach was really throwing my equilibrium off also. Friday afternoon I actually threw up a number of times - always a good time especially when it happens at work! Don''t think anyone actually noticed. What else to say? Darryl is home and he sends his regards - says if he had gotten out sooner he would have joined you and your folks on the cruise!!! He is looking good and feeling good thanks to his two month stint of "rehab". You know Darryl, he says that is one of the reasons that he loves going in from time to time cause he loves to dry out and clean up and start anew! Funny, funny guy. Do you know who was waiting for him anxiously to get released? Sharon. Apparently she is madly in love with Darryl and I was with her the first chance she saw Darryl after his release and she was positively giddy and gushing and beside herself. The feeling seems very mutual from him as well so that is nice although just this week she found out that she was HIV positive so I am not sure how this will end up affecting them. Or *** as didn''t he just sleep with her? </div>
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I guess that this is all I have to say for now. I will write later for sure. Going to start to do some packing. I am not yet stressed about Wednesday and don''t think that I will end up being too worked up about it. For some reason, this seems managable and I am optimistic about finding a place quickly. Just a feeling.</div>
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Still missing you but now we are past the midway mark so you have been away longer than the time you have left so it can only get better from here on in, right? Bunches of kisses and hugs and like our uncouth and uncivilized friends like to say, I will have a big smash waiting upon your return!</div>
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<b><i>2005-09-29</i></b></div>
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<i>Dear Jim,</i></div>
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<i>Sorry that I haven''t written lately. I have been feeling kind of depressed I guess and terribly unmotivated. Am so tired of going to work sick as it makes my measley six hours feel like sixty. It hasn''t helped much that wwe have been ridiculously slow this week. Yesterday I didn''t end up having a call after 5pm. There are only so many web sites that you can surf before you start to go raving mad too!</i></div>
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<i>Well we are out of the apartment. Went to your parents yesterday. I brought the cat but I assumed that this was OK cause otherwise I had nothing to do with her. Poor kitty. I have all of the doors closed to most of the rooms so the cat is limited to where she can roam. She knows where her litter is and so far she has not done anything untoward. The sign was gone from the apartment on Talbot when I checked tonight on my dinner break so sad about that. I have a couple of other prospects which I will pursue tomorrow before work I guess. Tried to get tomorrow off but there would be no one to cover for me so I have to go to work. Oh well.</i></div>
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<i>Can''t wait until you get home. I know that it is just a heartbeat away now but I still am impatient. Have missed you so much although Sara has been excellent company these past two weeks and has seemed to have made a concerted effort to get along with me which is a nice change. Thank goodness for small miracles. I believe that *** was actually seeing his doctor today so at least there will be a nice, big treat waiting your return. I have not seen ****** since Sunday night after I talked to you. Remember I said that she was being difficult? Well I got the truck back and parked it immediately at ***''s. Apparently she is none too keen about this although she has said nothing to me or to ***, just bitching to anyone else in her earshot I guess. Word has it that she is out of absolutely everything imaginable so she would have been of no use anyway!</i></div>
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<i>OK, less than half an hour to go until my shift is done. Finally. Thought it would never end. Missing you and thinking about you and eagerly anticipating your return. All of my love now and forever,</i></div>
</div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-59530116216544791912012-06-16T10:06:00.000-04:002012-06-16T10:06:14.287-04:00Waiting on a Friend<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know it has been ages since I last updated, and I am pretty sure that 2012 will go down as my year of neglect but I am hoping to change all of this – hopefully starting right now! As I haven't seen my brother now in close to two years, I find myself missing him more and more frequently. Like most things, I didn't realize how much I would miss him until he was gone. So very typical indeed, yet not something I had originally considered might happen. Miss him I did. We had always been really, really close, but once he started to date, and then subsequently marry and fall heavily under the influence of Erica, we began drifting further and further apart. We would have most likely have lived out our lives this way except for that savage attack on Jim four years ago.</div>
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This attack, and all that it represented, especially that whole fragility of life et al, had a sobering effect on both of us. The four of us agreed that whatever had passed before this attack would now be water under the bridge. Any and all transgressions were to be forgiven and forgotten. We were all issued a clean slate. Now this is extremely important when one remembers all that my sister-in-law had subjected me to over the years, as well as all of us having to endure her generally mean and petty demeanor towards my brother's immediate family. Incredibly she could rarely be bothered to play nice, which is pretty shocking into and of itself when you take into consideration that by immediate I mean my Mother, myself (& Jim) and my daughter (or his niece), Sara. It truly doesn't get much smaller than this!</div>
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For anyone interested in reading and finding out exactly what I mean about my sister-in-laws temperament, can read <a href="http://sickgirl-methadonepretty.blogspot.ca/2010/08/grass-is-never-greener.html" target="_blank"><b>THIS</b></a>, <a href="http://sickgirl-methadonepretty.blogspot.ca/2010/08/dont-drag-me-down.html" target="_blank"><b>THIS</b></a> and/or <a href="http://sickgirl-methadonepretty.blogspot.ca/2008/09/policy-of-truth-part-four.html" target="_blank"><b>THAT</b></a> at their leisure. You can also choose <a href="http://sickgirl-methadonepretty.blogspot.ca/search/label/SISTER-IN-LAW" target="_blank"><b>SISTER-IN-LAW</b></a> or <a href="http://sickgirl-methadonepretty.blogspot.ca/search/label/FAMILY%20FEUD" target="_blank"><b>FAMILY FEUD</b></a> or <a href="http://sickgirl-methadonepretty.blogspot.ca/search/label/BROTHER" target="_blank"><b>BROTHER</b></a> or you get my drift n'est pas? Now, three of us four actually meant it when we said that the past was exactly that, ancient history, and that the past would be exactly where it would all remain, no longer able to influence or prejudice our future relationships. From the time of the attack until my brother had to leave Ontario for Nova Scotia due to his job situation we made up for lost time. Although he ended up moving half way across the country barely a year and a half after our attack, when he left our relationship was the strongest that it had ever been since we became adults. I guess because of this it made his move that much more difficult and bittersweet in the end, but I'd most certainly prefer this than had he left under acrimonious circumstances that's for bloody sure.</div>
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He has now been gone two years and three months which means that is how long it has been since I've seen him. Sure, we talk on the phone and email back and forth, and I even learned how to Skype this year – Skype truly is bloody, freaking amazing I must confess! None of this is the same as seeing the person in the flesh. They are merely cheap imitations and substitutes! Jim and I had actually planned on flying east this summer for six days aiming to be there for either the end of July or beginning of August depending on the availability and price of flights. As my Mom was going to visit them in May and her parents were supposed to visit in June, we thought it prudent that we wait a bit so that they wouldn't feel inundated with all of these guests – we had every intention of staying at a hotel for our entire visit as I would never presume to think we could stay with them – this would actually be rather difficult space wise as there wouldn't really be any, extra space that is, cause they now have five children giving them a household total of seven! Never mind the space issue, the fact that there would be five children under the age of 13 under said roof would be enough motivation to get our own hotel room!</div>
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Unfortunately, these best laid plans will not be happening at all this summer. Erica's most recent pregnancy was fraught with problems so Mom ended up flying east so that she could stay with them to help out and her visit stretched out to near six weeks. Her parents' visit was put in jeopardy when they discovered a dark cloud on one of her Mother's lungs during a routine chest x-ray. While it did turn out to be cancerous, apparently it was caught right in the initial stages so her prognosis is very optimistic although she does have to have 12 weeks of chemotherapy which obviously will prevent them from traveling in the near future. If this wasn't enough, my brother decided that his current job in Nova Scotia wouldn't be good enough to support his growing family, nor in fact, would any other job in Nova Scotia right now. After the Christmas holidays he started to send his resume out to a number of companies right across the country. While there were a few that expressed interest in my brother's resume, one company in Edmonton, AB and another in Langley, BC were extremely promising and seemed to be able to offer a substantial pay raise. Ultimately he decided to go with the company in BC cause he felt that this would be a much better place to raise children – population approx. 35 000 vs. something like 1.2 million!</div>
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He starts his new job on Monday, July 9<sup>th</sup> but I just found out that before he starts him and his family will be stopping in Ontario en route from Nova Scotia. This is the best news that I've gotten this year by a long shot to be sure! I am so excited. Their furniture etc. is getting moved across the country in some sort of storage container separately and is leaving NS on June 28<sup>th</sup> which is also the last day of the children's school year. The next day, the whole family will drive in their van to Ontario stopping occasionally so that Erica can feed their newborn – born the second week of April so will still be feeding every few hours minimum. I don't know exactly when they will arrive in Ontario as it will all depend on what kind of time they make, but I do know when they will all be leaving Ontario as they'll be flying for the second half of their trip and their plane tickets have all been bought and reserved for July 5<sup>th</sup>! Apparently, her Dad has found someone to buy their van in Ontario plus her brother was able to give them a gift of 220 000 Air Miles allowing them to fly out to BC instead of having to face that extremely lengthy drive west across the country. I've got no clue how much time that would take either though I don't imagine it would be very fast.</div>
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So, within the next two weeks and a bit, I will actually get to see my brother as well as spend some quality time with him. I can't wait. I talked to him a couple of days ago when I called him to wish him a Happy 46<sup>th</sup> Birthday and he is equally excited. Now, Jim and I are going to start saving and planning on flying west next summer instead of heading east this one.</div>
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Peace, love and happiness…</div>
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</div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-70247802190697380442012-02-19T23:02:00.000-05:002012-02-19T23:02:46.702-05:00Why Can't We All Just Get Along?<br />
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<span lang="EN-US"><a href="http://www.lfpress.com/news/london/2012/02/15/19384501.html#/news/london/2012/02/15/pf-19384501.html"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #741b47; font-size: large;">Victim
Kicked 'like a soccer ball'</span></b></a></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>COURTS </b></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">By Jane Sims,
London Free Press</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">February 15, 2012
11:05pm</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>All he was doing was buying a sausage after a night
out with a female friend.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>"How did you get a girl?" asked a stranger
in an orange polo shirt standing near the man at the vendor's stand near York
and Richmond streets at closing time.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>"I'm going to get with her," the stranger
continued.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>The man and woman tried to ignore the
orange-shirted, dark-skinned man -- Marol Angou, 25, of London -- but the
attack began.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>The man was struck to the ground, then kicked in the
head "like a soccer ball," assistant Crown attorney Jennifer
Chalykoff told Ontario Court Justice John Getliffe.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>The man was kicked at least 17 times as he was on
the ground in the fetal position protecting his head and begging the attack
stop. His female companion was struck by Angou's female friend, and punched by
Angou twice when she tried to intervene, Chalykoff said.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Then he walked away.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Identification was the main issue in the case, but
Getliffe convicted Angou Wednesday, saying he was convinced it was Angou who
committed the random act of horrifying violence on a stranger on Aug. 20, 2011.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Angou offered alibis -- both soundly rejected by
Getliffe.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>"I simply do not believe him," the judge
said.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Angou first claimed he was in custody at the
Elgin-Middlesex Detention Centre after the victim and his friend saw Angou
downtown after the attack and approached to make sure he was the man who
assaulted them.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Once sure, they gathered friends, returned to where
they found Angou, then called police.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: body-text; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>An initial check showed Angou was in custody, but
that was a clerical mistake.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: body-text; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>He was at the jail the following day after he was
picked up by police for causing a disturbance not far from the attack the night
before -- and wearing the same distinct orange polo shirt he had when he
attacked the man.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: body-text; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Angou's second alibi was he had been with a friend
at an east London bar, met some girls and partied at someone's house.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: body-text; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>But a check of the video surveillance at the London
Housing complex where Angou's friend lived didn't support his story.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: body-text; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>The male victim suffered serious physical and
psychological injuries, but was able to recall the orange shirt, the dark skin
and the man's accent.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><i>Angou will be sentenced March 9.</i></span></span><span class="StyleSubtleEmphasisNotBold"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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The above article appeared in my local newspaper late last week and was of concern to me because the male in the article was one of the three that had attacked my husband and I in May 2008. He is obviously not too far removed from some savage and untamed animal as his repeated behaviour continually seems to illustrate. He obviously learned next to nothing during the twenty four months he sat in jail as punishment for his horrific actions against us. This much is very clearly apparent. </div>
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If anything he seems to be mocking our Canadian judicial system at every opportunity, and is quite clearly not capable of owning any sort of responsibility for his actions. I'm fairly confident that this next sentence he will be receiving in a couple of weeks time will be as effective as all of the others preceding this one. </div>
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I wish I could believe that this most recent punishment will even go as far as being an actual representation of the crimes committed but I have so very little faith that this could even remotely happen no matter how tough the judges words might appear in this article. No doubt come sentencing day they shall be long forgotten and in their place there will be more rationalizations why we should allow the system just one more chance to attempt rehabilitation. Whatever...</div>
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<br /></div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-88334622245590138232012-01-08T07:56:00.000-05:002012-01-08T07:56:12.513-05:00Regrets, I've Had A Few<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You know, when I went to bed the other night, I had every intention of going when I got up the next day, but in the end, I just couldn't go through with it. I really, really thought this was something I'd be able to do without too much thought, but I was so wrong. Now, I am also kind of mad at myself for allowing my fear and anxiety to get the better of me but at the time, I felt I had no other choice.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last Wednesday, one of the three guys that attacked us almost four years ago had a court appearance because he had been charged with aggravated assault from an incident in August 2011. He allegedly assaulted a complete stranger who was attempting to enjoy an evening downtown with his girlfriend. The attack put the victim in the hospital, leaving him with a fractured cheekbone, a split upper lip and a black eye. A trial for January 4, 2012 had been scheduled for him. His co-accused, a female companion, had her day in court the first week of December of last year. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The couple that had been attacked had been trying to get support from the community at large by asking for people to come out on these scheduled court dates in an attempt to try to fill the courtrooms for both of their trials. They were hoping to send a message to the judge that people do care and do really want to see these people off the street. I couldn't agree more, plus I thought this was a brilliant idea, never mind the myriad of questions I have regarding why this animal is still allowed out to continue to commit these violent offenses repeatedly with no sort of deterrent.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At the last minute though, I got scared. I hadn't been in a court room since two of our attackers received their respective sentences from the judge for what they had done to us. Before we heard this though, I had to read my <b><i>Victim Impact Statement</i></b> aloud to the court and then had to listen to each of their attorneys give their final statements about their clients to the judge in a last chance grab for some leniency I guess. This particular day was a bit of a blur because I was so overwhelmed with everything that was happening, and suddenly, after impatiently waiting almost two years for this day in court, now everything just seemed to be moving so bloody fast! Even though I was paying very close attention to everything that was being said by anyone that had a chance to speak, it ended up just being too much information all at once - too much new info and new info I didn't realize at the time was quite significant.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For years, because of our addiction, both Jim and I existed on the fringes of the law. Even though we knew we were breaking the law every time we fed this addiction and had to purchase drugs, we still somehow managed to remain under its radar for all intent and purpose the entire time we were using. Other than purchasing this illegal substance on a very regular basis, we conducted ourselves appropriately the rest of the time. We both went to work every day, we maintained our family home where we raised two daughters - one ours, the other our foster daughter. We paid our bills and did our groceries and volunteered at the girls' school and participated in life pretty much like everyone else for the most part. Yes, there were times when our finances were definitely on the shaky side, as was our behavior I've no doubt, but we didn't have to support our habit by participating in any additional illegal activity.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, even after years of being on the peripheral, we really knew next to nothing about our criminal court system until our attack. I know that had we been better informed nearly two years ago, the Sentencing Hearing of two of our attackers would have been very different for me. It is really only now that there are things that were brought up that day that are now impacting me, and had I not seen that small news article about our third attacker there are things I would never even ended up considering.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">First and foremost, I don't understand why these obviously violent individuals repeatedly keep getting second and third and fourth chances. It is only now that the significance of these three individual's prior record is significant. On the day of the sentencing of the first two who attacked us, it was introduced that between both of them they had a total of 28 assault convictions as adult offenders - one had 15 while the other had 13. Now they were 25 and 24 years old on the day of their sentencing and had been in custody since the day of the attack almost two years earlier meaning they were then approx 23 and 22 which further means they had managed to accumulate this total in less than five years. <b><i>WTF?</i></b> I don't even understand why either one of them was still walking around as free men on the day of our attack. These assault convictions aren't the end of their adult record either. The sum total of all their convictions since turning 18 was actually 86 - one had accumulated 42 adult convictions while the other 44. Again I have to say <b><i>WTF?</i></b> Two years ago, this significance alluded me but now it doesn't.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In fact, ever since seeing that story in our local newspaper a month ago about our third attacker, I can't stop thinking about the whole subject of rampant violence in our society and what we need to do about correcting this problem. Right now my thoughts are all over the place as I haven't had a chance to assimilate all of the new info my mind has seemingly had to process since then and am even now having trouble putting coherent thought down here.</span></div>
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">TO BE CONTINUED...</span></i></b></div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-40140164659195442892011-12-28T05:46:00.000-05:002011-12-28T05:46:36.735-05:00Happy Holidays<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 22px; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Well, managed to get through another Christmas reasonably unscathed! Went to Jim’s folks on Christmas Day and then to my Mom’s on Boxing Day. Both of us come from such small families that this season tends to be a fairly subdued one. Jim only has one sister while I just have one brother and a daughter of course. Jim’s sister just got married for the first time in the summer so her husband also joins us for the holidays. Jim and I and Sara and her boyfriend, Andre, spend all of Boxing Day with Mom especially as she has now been on her own since my Dad passed away in 2003. My brother and his wife now live in Halifax which is about 1424 km or 885 miles from me, and as they are expecting baby number five, they certainly can not afford to come home for the holidays. He has now been gone over a year and a half but it wasn’t until now that it has really hit me just how much I miss him. Hopefully, Jim and I will be flying out to Halifax in June of next year after the birth of the baby – due date is the first of May so this will give them a bit of time to get settled.</span></div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-92167412462680117852011-12-23T12:13:00.000-05:002011-12-23T12:13:42.467-05:00Lean On Me<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So I managed to get through Thanksgiving 2007 unscathed, and in fact, actually quite enjoyed myself. From here, my Mom and I started to meet every few weeks for coffee and a bit of a chat - always on neutral ground in a restaurant and in public. Initially it was a little bit awkward as it was just the two of us alone together without the benefit of others to insulate us. For me, the combination of this time apart plus close to two years successfully on <b><i>MMT</i></b> had mellowed me considerably so many of the things that seemed to irritate me so easily in the past no longer held the same importance or reaction for me.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Surprisingly, my Mother had become a very different person in the interim. Just prior to our reconciling, I had decided that being estranged from my Mother was not how I wanted to remember our relationship should anything end up happening to either one of us - heaven forbid. I didn't want to have regrets over something that could realistically be easily avoided not to mention repaired with not too much effort. I decided that there would be no point continuing to get annoyed with some of my Mother's traits never mind the fact that there was little hope of her changing her spots this late in her life. In my mind though there were a couple of things that I would not compromise on when it came to her treatment of me but I also was prepared to be honest with her and let her know exactly what I meant - no more passive aggressive behaviour on my part!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It seems that my Mom had missed me while we were estranged and must have made a decision herself to try to change her own behaviour. Just the fact that she would even attempt to do this for me was enough for me to now do everything in my power to ensure that our relationship would never derail again. Except for the rarest of rare bumps in the road, we have been rock steady ever since. I was also so glad that we ended up reconciling prior to the attack on Jim and I in May 2008 rather than after it. If we had been estranged at the time of our attack I suspect we both would have always wondered if this had been our only reason for reconciliation even if it wasn't at all. Now, though, we'll never be plagued with this question. Never mind the fact that since our attack my Mom has been a tremendous source of comfort, support and strength and everything else that goes with this whole ordeal. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Couldn't or wouldn't ask for anything more now cause I don't need to. I've got it all.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">peace, love and happiness...</span></div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-81139756205120546472011-12-20T01:10:00.000-05:002011-12-20T01:34:45.781-05:00Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I guess I am long overdue to finish the story of my falling out with my Mom. Initially during the summer of 2005, when I severed all communication with my Mom, I was still very much in the middle of a very active opiate addiction, so I barely even noticed what was really going on. All that I knew was that I had one less complication to deal with in the pursuit of opiate bliss. It barely even registered, at least not at first anyway. It is truly amazing just how very fluid an opiate addict's moral compass is capable of becoming depending on the given situation. While there were a couple of lines I was never quite able to cross - I never, ever stole from anyone I knew or loved, or in fact, anyone at all, nor did I steal from businesses or stores, everything else was pretty much fair game. I was the master of rationalization as well, able to convince myself of almost anything as long as it aided me in my pursuit. I was my own worse enemy, nor had I any shame remaining.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Six months after my Mom and I stopped talking, I had started tentative steps towards <em><strong>MMT</strong></em> - <em><strong>Methadone Maintenance Treatment</strong></em> - but these were still early days in deed. For most of 2006, I concentrated on getting better. Even though I had no communication whatsoever with my Mom during this time, I did nothing at all to interfere with the extremely close relationship my daughter Sara had always had with her Granny. They talked regularly on the phone and got together for coffees and lunches. Their relationship continued on without interuption. I did my best to keep my distance so Sara could continue to enjoy this relationship without any feelings of guilt or betrayal. She responded in kind by mentioning any time she was meeting up with her Granny, but this was done under the spirit of our household rules - that is the girls always had to run anything by us before they were allowed to proceed - rather than making a big production waving it in my face!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Christmas 2006 was a bit strange even though it was really no different than the prior one except that I had been on <em><strong>MMT</strong></em> for eleven months and my head was no longer as cloudy as it had once been. Still, it was kind of nice to enjoy a quiet one with just the four of us. By this time, our bank balance was also considerably healthier after eleven months of saving money that used to be spent on our addiction so I had a Christmas to end all Christmases! Everyone was terribly spoilt for the first time in a very long time, plus I put up all new - matching - decorations all over which was something I had only really half heartedly done the prior five or six years. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It wasn't long before 2006 turned into 2007, and before I had a chance to even blink, it seemed like we were midway through 2007 already. Around the summer of that year, Sara started dropping hints that Granny wouldn't mind getting together with me although initially I pretended not to hear or understand. That fall my brother started doing the same although not quite as subtley. He was much more direct with me when he asked me to make an effort and perhaps come over to have Thanksgiving Day with the family. Sara followed her Uncle's lead and started mentioning this more and more frequently. By now, any of my malice or bitterness or anger had pretty much subsided especially as I had been doing exceptionally well with my recovery. I hadn't used in eighteen months and it was apparent. We were both working full time - Jim and I - and had managed to get ourselves completely out of debt, plus had even managed to put some away into a savings account. We were the pictures of health and everything else that goes with that so I agreed we would come for dinner. I initially agreed for the sake of my daughter as I realized how very important it was to her and how much this had started to upset her. The longer the separation between my Mom and I continued the harder it was for Sara. I started to realize just how unfair I was being to her. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So, in the late fall of 2007 the healing started to begin.</span></div>
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<em><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">TO BE CONTINUED... </span></strong></em></div>
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</div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-64644649467009979292011-12-17T07:20:00.000-05:002011-12-28T05:49:11.591-05:00It''s Like Christmas Early! - ALMOST<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Finally after three years and almost eight months, we've received notification that we've got a hearing with our province's Victim's Compensation Tribunal, tentatively scheduled for February 9, 2012. Hopefully, this is nothing more than a formality although to be fair, I don't really know how the whole system works, and, in fact, their web site is not terribly forthcoming or informative. I certainly feel that we deserve some form of compensation considering everything that we went through and what we continue to go through. While we both now suffer from <b><i>PTSD</i></b> - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Jim also has to deal with numerous physical injuries as well as brain trauma due to their repeatedly kicking him in the head with their heavy boots. Fingers crossed that all goes smoothly. </div>
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Seems like you can't get some good news without having to receive the opposite. One day last week while riding the bus, I picked up a copy of one of our local newspapers that had been left behind and as I browsed through it, I happened upon a story about a couple that had been attacked one night last summer while they were ordering some food from a street vendor. I remembered the original story from last August as I've become interested in others who are also innocent victims of violent crimes which this couple were. Completely unprovoked, a male and a female, both complete strangers to the victims, attacked them badly enough that the male suffered a broken jaw as well as other facial injuries and required hospitalization. The female was before the court last week where she plead guilty, while the male accused of this attack goes before the judge on January 4, 2012. Imagine my shock when I read his name. He was one of the three who had attacked us! The other two are still serving their sentences in a federal jail somewhere in Ontario. The third had sat twenty five months in our local jail and as he had been arrested prior to new legislation that removed the two for one credit that prisoners used to be able to claim, he ended up being released in May 2010 having "served" a sentence equal to 50 months. He had been under fairly strict probation conditions, plus he was to be under these conditions until May 2012, but I guess this is all relative. I plan on following up with his probation officer to see if I can get more detailed info about all of this. Right now, I am hoping to attend his trial next year but this will all depend how strong I feel emotionally. Will just have to wait and see. You can read about their attack and what they are trying to do to regain some form of peace via the link below.</div>
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<a href="http://www.metronews.ca/london/local/article/1043761--finding-a-way-to-fight-back" target="_blank"><b>Finding A Way To Fight Back</b></a>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-85511393855905383332011-10-31T04:24:00.000-04:002011-12-28T05:48:16.327-05:00It's No Good<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
So now we're well into the fall. My <b><i>Employment Insurance</i></b> has been approved with no waiting period - so to speak - as I am on a Temporary Lay-Off which means that I've only lost my job for the time being and will be called back once the company can afford me. Pretty straightforward <b><i>EI</i></b> claim as they've got none of the normal verifying of the reason why an individual is applying. In Ontario, this means that if you are implicated and found even partially responsible for your job loss, <b><i>EI</i></b> can deny your application. This also prevents people from quitting their job just 'cause and then apply for <b><i>EI</i></b>. Both of these situations automatically disqualifies the individual. At that time, 2005, I was entitled to 60% of my salary but as next to no taxes or deductions were subtracted, it was almost the same amount as my normal salary with all of the required taxes etc were calculated. In my near addled junky mind, all I could think was <b>"Sweet!"</b> Business as usual.</div>
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And it was for the first couple of months...sweet, that is, but like anything else, this didn't last. One of my friends ended up becoming our dealer after we ended up having a falling out with our original one. My friend was, and as far as I know, still prescribed massive amounts of narcotic analgesics. On the first Wednesday of each month he receives/ed 720 8mg brand name dilaudids prescribed by his family doctor. I had filled this prescription many times in the past for him, and as he was/is not on any sort of drug plan, it cost him about $320CAD every month.</div>
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He received these due to some injuries he had sustained during a work accident. As far as I know, him and two other workers somehow ended up being literally buried alive for a large part of one of their work days. When they rescued them all, he had broken both of his legs, some ribs, his right hand and one of the fingers on his left hand. I know that he also sustained some nerve damage in one of his hands. As far as I remember, he ended up being in hospital close to six months. Anyway, initially he never actually used any of his pain meds as he quickly learned that they were much more valuable to him if he sold them outright. Before greed overshadowed everything, he sold his pills at 10 for $100, though this didn't last very long, or 2 for $25 or $15 each. Do the math. He made a shocking amount of money from this endeavor and as he didn't even use the pills at that time himself, it was all gravy.</div>
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Kind of ironic, but as long as there were pills easily and readily available, life continued on, and with it, the feeling one didn't have so much as a care in the world. Not surprisingly, this illusion could disappear in an instant and with no warning. The first time you woke up only to discover that the well had gone dry wasn't so bad. You hadn't yet trained your junky mind and body to go into automatic and painful withdrawal at this mere suggestion. Not yet, but very soon. By the end of this first day without the ready availability of pills, you actually managed to finally hookup. The moment you fixed, you felt returned to normal. Two weeks later when the same situation presents itself, your mind and body are less forgiving and understanding. Start to feel anxious and nervous the longer the day stretches with no sight of relief. Well into the evening, you impatiently wait but you're really incapable of doing anything much else as the waiting taxes every fiber in your body, and now it had started to become more and more frequent and difficult to find opiates on a daily basis.</div>
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After a short time, our bodies started to go into withdrawal when no opiates could be located, and this wasn't pleasant. This had started to bother me as obviously having to endure ever increasing periods of withdrawal was by no stretch enjoyable and I started thinking more and more frequently that there had to be something more than this. Also, our main connect had started to lose track of the picture, and had begun treating us with disrespect, and had begun to take us for granted. For the most part, Jim and I tried to buy these pills in bulk. There rarely were no more than maybe a half a dozen smaller purchases throughout the month. Now, one would thing that if one of his customers was buying 260 units monthly that perhaps he would be able to cut them a bit of a break, but sadly no. He charged us groups of ten - sometimes on the very rare occasion groups of twelve - which translated into 26 groups of ten units each, charged at $100 per group, which adds up to $2600 each and every month!</div>
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When I say that we were regulars, I truly mean that we were indeed that. I am in no way attempting to inflate our use, and in fact, am extremely ashamed and embarrassed even sharing this info, as it paints a pretty distasteful picture of what we allowed our addiction to become before we were finally able to put the breaks on it. Now for just over 24 months dealing with him, we never deviated far from this number. We almost always paid in advance, and always paid cash - no bartering or asking for them up front, etc. If we did have to request a front, it was rarely for more than a few days. Now, I get why he didn't want to cut us too sweet a deal as he had begun to rely on our money each and every month. Who wouldn't want to receive this amount, especially considering there was no work needed at all whatsoever in getting it? No hustling, no nickel and dime sales, less traffic coming and going to his house because he didn't need a dozen or so more customers minimum to replace the two of us.
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">TO BE CONTINUED...</span></i></b></div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-1901153003696580472011-10-29T09:41:00.003-04:002011-12-28T05:49:53.863-05:00Barrel of a Gun<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
The summer that my Mom and I ended up having our falling out certainly turned out to be a quite a bit more than a mere convenience for me as it turned out. While there had never been any question that we both had been heading down this path ever since my Dad passed away, I most definitely made the most of the opportunity when it presented itself to me and did nothing much to prevent its derailment. Even though we'd been at odds in the past over issues more serious than the one that I finally used as my excuse to sever our current relationship, by this point it didn't matter. Definitely the proverbial straw for me, as there were a number of very legitimate reasons why we could not, nor should not, continue on with our current relationship as it stood. </div>
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At the same time, I knew that I was also motivated by the fact that there would now be one less potential distraction interfering with my current usage. By this time, I was having a difficult time balancing my active addiction with my work and social responsibilities, my family obligations, as well as dealing with the general day to day mundane stuff one tends to encounter as we drift through our lives . So with that stress gone for the time being, I was able to refocus more of my energies on what was becoming increasingly more and more important, and I don't mean work.</div>
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Ironically, about a month or so after my blowup with my Mom, I ended up receiving a temporary layoff notice from my employer stating that I would be required, immediately, to take a leave from work of between 12 and up to a maximum of 16 weeks. At that time, I had been working for my employer, a software company, for a number of years. By the time I received this notice, our office had been reduced to a staff of just over twenty from a high of near a hundred and fifty employees less than a year prior. Even though I knew I was still a valued employee, I also recognized the financial duress the company was currently experiencing.</div>
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Plus, talk about timing. Bloody pathetic on my part, but reality none the less. One less distraction yet again. The writing was so on my wall and yet...</div>
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">TO BE CONTINUED... </span></i></b></div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-36778138995663718332011-10-24T00:48:00.000-04:002011-10-28T02:03:08.851-04:00Altered States<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've gone through and reviewed all of my links as I had noticed that some were no longer active, as well as discovering a number of new ones. As well as the links that appear regularly as part of my site, I've included this separate post as a means of highlighting the category <b>Altered States | <i>Parents of Addicts</i></b> as I feel that it is not only an extremely important category, but one that seems to be constantly growing which should be a grave concern for all. If there are other blogs out there that I'm not yet aware of, I would love to be notified so that I can add them to the list.</div>
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peace, love and happiness...</div>
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<ul>
<li><a href="http://madyson007.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">A Mom's Serious Blunder</a></li>
<li><a href="http://susanjsilva.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">A Mother's Heart</a></li>
<li><a href="http://heartofabrokenmom.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">A mother's heart...broken by heroin</a></li>
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</ul>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2644844963133586557.post-37037089212095879952011-10-15T05:16:00.001-04:002011-10-15T08:44:02.523-04:00I WAS WRONG<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It would be a full two and a bit years after my Dad's death before my Mom and I would actually have our falling out. Our relationship just seemed to get progressively worse over time. My Mother had always been a bit harsh although often I barely noticed as I had gotten used to her treatment over the years. Usually, it was only after someone else took the time to comment to me about it that I would give any serious thought to what I should do, at least that had been the pattern in the past. Once my Dad passed, I seemed to have become more sensitive to any of her criticisms, and increasingly found it near impossible to stand.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My Mother always seemed to have something to say about my looks, my hair, my clothes, my job, my hobbies, you name it and she could find fault. I never really knew why either, nor could I understand why she always seemed so dissatisfied with me. Growing up I had been a straight A student and had received numerous scholarship offers to university upon graduation from high school. I was never in trouble and even maintained a part time job all through high school so that I could support myself financially. In fact, I was able to buy my first car in cash just after my seventeenth birthday and paid for my entire trip to the British Isles the summer I turned 21.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">For the near six months that I drove my Dad to the hospital five days a week, she reminded me each and every day at least three times not to be late, and not in an absent minded sort of way. She was very insistent and quite mean about it too, even though I did not once show up late to pick them up for the hospital. And so on...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now I can't put all of the blame on my Mom's shoulders for our falling out as I was dealing with some serious issues of my own the summer of 2005. I was easily at the height of my addiction, and I was finding it increasingly difficult trying to conceal it from everyone. No one at home nor work or anywhere knew what I was hiding and this secret was starting to weigh me down. With each passing day, I found it harder and harder to keep all my balls in the air.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">By this time, we were spending on average well over $2000/month attempting to support our habit, and by then, this was barely covering its maintenance. Obviously our personal finances were starting to suffer because of the amount we were spending. No amount of additional hours at work seemed to prevent our bills from starting to pile up. My nerves were wearing thin and I was starting to become careless at work. I knew a meltdown was imminent and felt at a loss at being able to prevent it. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I needed to share my burden with someone and I thought at the time, that my Mother might be the one, but once I had, I quickly realized how desperately wrong I was. Initially, she seemed so very empathetic but this lasted barely 48 hours and then all hell broke loose. It had taken so much to confide everything and she had promised that this would remain between the two of us, but it didn't. Almost instantly she was on the phone to her sister telling her what an awful daughter she had and who knows what else. She actually told me all this the next time we talked. I was shattered. When I asked her why she did exactly what I had asked and she had promised she wouldn't do, she really had no defense.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I remember mumbling something to her during that call that I couldn't do this anymore with her, that I needed to get well and the longer she was around to poison everything, the longer it would end up taking me to get healthy again. I quietly hung up the phone and from that moment on had no communication with her for eighteen months. I didn't look back and in many ways, these eighteen months ended up being some of the happiest and relaxing ones of recent memory. Even though this fracture looked as if it was irreconcilable, in the end, it turned out to be the complete opposite, but another year and a half was to pass before I was able to find out.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<b><i>TO BE CONTINUED...</i></b></div>sickgirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16863419230566559818noreply@blogger.com1