She's Gone

I know that it has been a near eternity since my last update and, other than sheer laziness, I really have no excuse for this long absence. That's not to say that I haven't tried keeping up with the blogs that I follow cause I've certainly been doing my best! I've also discovered quite a few new ones so most of my computer time seems to get spent reading rather than writing. Starting now though this is going to change. Maybe this will be my first New Year's resolution as well. Am pretty sure that this resolution should be fairly easy to keep unlike some of my previous year's ones that never really had a hope in hell of succeeding cause they were just too bloody unrealistic! No doubt there will be one or two unrealistic ones that somehow manage to sneak by for this year but I'll deal with them when the time comes. Otherwise I have every intention of doing my darnest to try to keep a reasonable perspective when it comes to all of my 2013 resolutions. More to follow in the days to come...promise!!!

Depeche Mode

One of my all time favourite bands is Depeche Mode, a band that I've been crazy about since high school - trust me when I say its been a lifetime or three! Fell instantly head over heels the moment I heard "Just Can't Get Enough" on the radio when I was 17, and for those keeping score, this would be all the way back to 1981. I've been equally passionate about a few other bands - the Clash, Social Distortion and Manic Street Preachers are all bands that I couldn't dream of living without - but all the others are no longer still together though they do still exist to some extent in other reincarnated forms. Depeche Mode is different. After the departure of one of the original four - Vince Clarke - upon completion of their first album, their lineup has remained intact with the other three founding members  remaining - Dave Gahan, Martin Lee Gore  and Andrew Fletcher.

Each new album release never failed to disappoint. Something quite rare in the music industry was a band that actually continued to get better and better with age. Their newer music is just as powerful and memorable as some of their decades old hit singles which is really quite rare not to mention an accomplishment considering the band has now been around for over three decades! Personally for any important event of my life these past thirty plus years, there is an associated Depeche Mode song!

I was just reading on Billboard that the band's last effort, 2009's "Sounds of the Universe" peaked at No. 3 on the Billboard 200 which is none too shabby. Their new album, which will be Depeche Mode's 13th studio album, is due to be released in March of next year. Plus, they have just announced tour dates to promote their new album.

European Tour Dates 2013:

05-07 Tel Aviv, Israel - Hayarkon Park
05-10 Athens, Greece - Terra Vibe
05-12 Sofia, Bulgaria - Georgi Asparuhov Stadium
05-15 Bucharest, Romania - National Stadium
05-17 Istanbul, Turkey - Kucukciftlik Park
05-19 Belgrade, Serbia - Usce Park
05-21 Budapest, Hungary - Puskas Ferenc Stadium
05-23 Zagreb, Republic of Croatia - Hippodrome
05-25 Bratislava, Slovakia - Inter Stadium
05-28 London, England - O2 Arena
06-01 Munich, Germany - Olympic Stadium
06-03 Stuttgart, Germany - Mercedes-Benz Arena
06-05 Frankfurt, Germany - Commerzbank Arena
06-07 Berne, Switzerland - Stade De Suisse
06-09 Berlin, Germany - Olympic Stadium
06-11 Leipzig, Germany - Red Bull Arena
06-13 Copenhagen, Denmark - Parken
06-15 Paris, France - Stade De France
06-17 Hamburg, Germany - Imtech Arena
06-22 Moscow, Russia - Locomotive Stadium
06-24 St. Petersburg, Russia - SKK Arena
06-27 Borlange, Sweden - Peace & Love Festival
06-29 Kiev, Ukraine - Olympic Stadium
07-03 Dusseldorf, Germany - Esprit Arena
07-07 Werchter, Belgium - Rock Werchter Festival
07-11 Bilbao, Spain - BBK Festival
07-13 Lisbon, Portugal - Optimus Alive Festival
07-16 Nimes, France - Antic Arina
07-18 Milan, Italy - San Siro Stadium
07-20 Rome, Italy - Olympic Stadium
07-23 Prague, Czech Republic - Olympic Stadium
07-25 Warsaw, Poland - National Stadium
07-27 Vilnius, Lithuania - Vingis Park
07-29 Minsk, Belarus - Minsk Arena

So far no North American dates but I'm sure that they will soon follow. Definitely going to see them come hell or high water. Saw them on their last tour and they were unbelievable! 

Island Paradise

It was Jim's birthday yesterday. He is now 46 years young. He had to work for about six hours yesterday but was home early enough in the afternoon that we were able to spend a nice and relaxing time together before having to go out for dinner. We were joining his parents at one of our city's nicer restaurants, Milestones, at half six to celebrate with them. This was our first time at this restaurant although his parents had been to the Toronto Milestones with his sister and her husband a few months ago. Surprisingly busy for a Monday evening - it was Lady's Night - we were none the less quite impressed with our whole experience. 

The decor was elegant and comfortable and our server was bloody fantastic. Definitely a bit on the pricey side but as Jim's Dad was looking after the bill, I didn't dwell too long. One of the Lady's Night specials was 4 Bellinis and 4 Appetizers for $40 so we started with this. Everything was divine though I was starting to feel rather full long before the main course even arrived. I ended up taking half my dinner home in a "doggy" bag after all as I ended up reaching a point where there was no way I could manage another bite.

We decided to take in a film after dinner but when we got to the theatres by our apartment, the next showing of The Dark Knight Rises wasn't for another 90 minutes which was too long to hang around waiting for it to start. By this time, we had all had too much to eat anyway and pretty much just wanted to get home to collapse on the sofa in front of the television! Jim and I told his folks that we would do this next week and would treat them for a change so I am pretty sure we'll be going to see it a week today, next Tuesday.

If all the excitement of celebrating Jim's birthday wasn't enough, we also just managed to put our deposit down with the travel agent to pay for a two week vacation that we'll be going on over Christmas with his folks and his sister and her husband. I am utterly over the moon with anticipation and honestly still have my head in the clouds. Except for two three day mini getaways last year, it has been an eternity since we have been on a proper vacation. Sad to say but it is coming up on near twenty years since our last one.

This one though will surely go a long way in making up for this I have to admit. We have booked a 10 day cruise of the Caribbean with Princess Cruises. We are taking what they call their Eastern Caribbean Voyager on the Emerald Princess which leaves roundtrip from Ft Lauderdale, Florida on December 27, 2012. I don't think I need to state the obvious when I say that this would not have been at all possible if we were both still using and in active addiction. Duh!

Following is the itinerary for our adventure:

                 Destination          Arrives     Departs

	Day 1		Ft. Lauderdale				5:00 PM
	Day 2		At Sea
	Day 3		At Sea
	Day 4		Antigua		8:00 AM		5:00 PM
	Day 5		St. Lucia		8:00 AM		6:00 PM
	Day 6		Barbados		7:00 AM		4:00 PM
	Day 7		St. Kitts		10:00 AM		6:00 PM
	Day 8		St. Thomas		7:00 AM		5:00 PM
	Day 9		At Sea
	Day 10		Princess Cays		9:00 AM		4:00 PM
	Day 11		Ft. Lauderdale		7:00 AM

Fool Me Once...

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005 07 20

One of the problems of being an addict - one of the very many - is how vulnerable you can become when you are dope sick - that is, in the middle of withdrawal from opiates where your body starts attacking you in a multitude of horrible ways. Under any other circumstance, your thought and decision making process would act so very differently than it does during withdrawal. Being dope sick muddies and clouds your mind no matter how hard you try to overcome this. Things and circumstances that would normally shout out to you to go the other way or scream at you to ignore or whisper to you that if it looks to good to be true then...suddenly disappear from our arsenal of tools we use to get by in the world.

No matter how many times I berate myself over what just happened or scream at the top of my lungs or throw pillows til there are none to throw, nothing can change how much of an idiot I feel like for allowing myself to get taken advantage of by a near complete stranger for no other reason other than how much I've allowed myself to become because of how sick my addiction has made me. As loathsome as this addiction is, there is nothing worse than that feeling of desperation one often feels because of it all.

It was near dawn and I had spent most of the night in a restless sleep. Just before bed, I had made the mistake of recooking some old spoons because we were completely out of everything and wouldn't be able to change this situation until late the next morning at the earliest as we had to wait until approx 4am for Jim's pay to be direct deposited into our bank account. Usually you can manage to get just enough from the old spoons to help with the worst of withdrawal's side effects for a few hours and when you're feeling as bad as this any little bit of relief is more than welcome. I somehow managed to contaminate this shot and as a result within 45 mins I had managed to give myself cotton fever. 

Cotton fever can often feel worse than withdrawal from opiates though it lasts a relatively short time in comparison. Imagine the hottest and most humid day on record except you're not able to take advantage as your body feels like it has been immersed into a deep freeze it is that cold. More often than naught, there will be a bit of a fever but even if there isn't you won't be able to control your body from shivering nor from dripping sweat. Your head feels as if it has grown to be ten times its normal size with a headache to match and if this wasn't enough every single muscle and bone and in fact fiber in your body feels as if it is under attack. These are just a few of the most common side effects of cotton fever but I've found the few times I've gotten it that these are more than enough on their own!

This particular evening my cotton fever thankfully lasted just a bit more than two hours in total so I was greatly relieved. Problem is, it tends to leave your body in a much weakened state once it does disappear and the only way to get rid of it entirely is to sleep the remains of it off. I remember looking at the clock just before 1am and nothing else after this until Jim woke me up around quarter past five in the morning. Now, this time when I woke up I could feel no more side effects of the cotton fever though I definitely felt well and truly dope sick. Now as any junky will tell you, once an addict has managed to fall asleep, the last thing you should do is wake them up unless you've got a bloody amazing reason to do this!

I'd fallen asleep on the sofa and woke fairly quickly after hearing Jim's voice. He was not alone. He quickly explained that he had met this guy at the variety store where he had gone to grab smokes and money from the ATM a few minutes ago. Apparently this guy had lost his keys and was locked out of his apartment until 8 or 9am which was still a few hours away so Jim had invited him to wait at our apartment like the good Samaritan he is. This guy was barely in the door before he was bragging how much he could help me right now with whatever it was that I needed. Nothing at all was a problem and whatever it was that I wanted or needed would be here in no more than twenty minutes.

Right away, I should have been suspicious but any rational thought had quickly been lost to how dreadful my body was currently feeling. Every pore was screaming out for relief of any kind that I eagerly listened to his sales pitch. He certainly knew the various pain pills and their corresponding doses so was able to walk the talk with little effort. Once he had let me know what he could get, I told him what I wanted. I expected that I would give him the appropriate funds before him and Jim left to collect our order.

Now before they left him and Jim continued to carry on a conversation that they'd obviously started earlier though it didn't take me too long to follow along. This guy obviously did blow or crack and it didn't seem to matter how many times Jim attempted to tell him this was not something that we were interested in doing, he didn't seem to care. He kept saying the doing a hit would take the edge of my sickness etc until the pills showed up and wouldn't this be better. Well, yes, obviously this would take the edge off but normally it would never be one of my first, second or even third choices...

Surprise, surprise though. He had to go out to get this crack or blow as he didn't have it on him though he did make sure that he left us with the very distinct impression that he was only grabbing this crack at the same time he'd be grabbing those pills for me cause this guy he was going to see was some sort of one stop shopping kind of drug guy and two birds, one stone etc. Famous last words.

So off Jim and our new friend go jumping into a cab that I had just called for them. Honestly, they're gone no time at all, probably all of a half an hour. When they walk inside the apartment, I can tell by the look on Jim's face that I won't be happy. They're returning with no pills but $135 worth of crack that we have paid for though this guy is holding on to like its his and his alone. Colour me very confused. When I asked him about the pills, he dismissed me with a wave of his hands even after I persisted. I was quickly becoming pretty bitchy and argumentative and was fast losing my patience.

Sarcastically, I asked whether our money paid for this crack and the cab fares. Jim said that it was all of our money and none of his. He started to get self righteous with me saying that I was the one who had said that a hit or two would definitely help by taking the edge off of my dope sickness so why was I so bloody upset.  I also tried to remind him that we had also told him that we were not looking for crack or cocaine and had had no intention of actively going after this and that the only reason we gave him any money at all was that we were supposed to be getting pills at the same time he was getting this. He was very possessive of this bloody crack and no amount of me attempting to explain why I found this whole situation offensive seemed to have any affect. He kept insisting that as soon as I did a few hits I would feel better and that he would be on his way shortly to grab those pills  he had promised. As I could see the direction this was taking, I decided that there was little that we could do except ensure that we got our moneys worth out of this crack we had just paid for.

Shockingly once it was all gone, he was ready to book also and I guess I could not really blame him either. Just as suddenly, he could not find anyone that might have the pills that we needed. Excuse after excuse after excuse followed. I demanded money for the crack that he had smoked but had been bought with our dime as well as money back for the cost of the cabs but nothing. I was not prepared to back down. He said that there was one place he could go to grab pills and of course, he would be using his money to pay for them. Another cabbed called and another crack of dawn trip made with  the guys returning in short order. When they return he hands me a bunch of pills wrapped up in some clear plastic wrap. Once opened I see that they are all garbage and of absolute no use to us. It is as if someone had gone into their medicine cabinet and grabbed whatever over the counter meds were lying around in there.

When I tell him that I don't want them he says that he has to return them to his guy exactly as he got them in order to get the money back. What money, or more appropriately whose money,  did he need to get back? Of course, we had to spend an additional $60 plus the cost of the cab fares for all of this. When I demanded that he pay me the money that he owes us he starts to get all indignant and self righteous like he is the wronged party. I tell him to get out of my apartment and to stop saying that you're going to pay for this or that or whatever else cause I no longer cared. I called him a liar as well as a long list of other colourful not to mention pejorative names. He kept saying more of the same sort of crap that he'd bee spouting for the past hour now, but I did my best to ignore it. He said that I was lucky that he didn't trash my place for the names I was calling but he wouldn't do this as he wasn't going to disrespect me - whatever this means. He challenged me to call the police to charge him with stealing $200 from us as well. finally, he left.

Right now I am angry, upset and frustrated for a number of reasons though mostly I am mad at myself for not putting a stop to this whole fiasco before it even had a chance to start. The writing had been clearly on the wall but I choose to ignore it on the off chance that this one time this guy was actually on the level and could be trusted. When you are dope sick you want to  believe so very badly that this person will actually turn out to be better than advertised and is not simply taking advantage of a situation that has practically been handed to them on a silver platter. 

Gitsi Goo | A Tribute

On Monday morning at 5:44am Eastern Time, I lost one of my dearest companions, my cat Goo. She was only five years and three months old which seems so very young to die. I had always imagined that I would have a decade plus or more with her so to be robbed of this so suddenly  has left me heartbroken and sadder than I ever could have imagined. I knew just how lucky I was and just how very special she was but I never imagined that this would be put to the test quite so soon. Until Goo, I never understood why or how people could become so attached to a pet. I had never before experienced it for myself so I was completely unable to relate. After the last three days of crying near non-stop, I can relate all to well. The hole she has left with her death seems so vast that it will never be able to be filled again.

This entry can never begin to really do her justice properly but I am hoping that it at least attempts to honour her the way she deserved to be honoured. Her death would be a tragedy regardless of when it occurred, but I think that because it happened so very unexpectedly and suddenly as well as while she was still so very young, that it has hit that much harder. If I hadn't had gotten up so uncharacteristically early Monday morning, I may also have missed it, but as my brother and his family were arriving from Nova Scotia I wanted to make sure everything was ready. 

Goo had just used her litter box when she followed me out into the living room. I had my back to her as I reached for a pile of clean laundry that I had planned on ironing and it was while I was doing this that I heard an unusually sounding thud from behind. When I turned around, I saw Goo lying on her side where I knew she had fallen. Something about the whole image just seemed so very wrong so I reached down quickly to touch and shake her, calling her name the entire time. No response so I rushed down the hall calling Jim to come quickly as there was something wrong with Goo. Even as I said these words and then answered his question of what I meant, deep down I knew that she was already gone. When I had touched her, even though her eyes were wide open, there had been nothing behind them.

I still let Jim try to rouse her as he kept calling her name and shaking her gently but I knew that nothing was going to happen. She was so completely gone and gone so bloody suddenly. In hindsight I suspect she was gone even before she touched the floor when I heard that thumping noise. I guess I can find some solace in the fact that she couldn't have really been aware of what was happening so hopefully her pain was minimal if any. Outwardly there were no signs of duress - no frothing at the mouth nor nothing leaking or bleeding from her eyes, ears, mouth etc. Nothing unusual on her little paddies or paws or anywhere on her body. Until I heard her fall over, she had been acting completely normal betraying nothing of what was about to come. Her death is an utter and complete mystery to both Jim and I and will remain so as we choose not to take her to the vet for a kitty autopsy or its equivalent.

I've now spent the past three days, crying near nonstop. I miss her every second that she's not here and have yet to really accept that I will no longer get to see her ever again. She'll never again snuggle on my chest, throwing her head back to rest on my chin while I watch television. She'll never again sit in front of me patiently waiting for me to break a bit of a Tim Horton's muffin off for her for her treat. She'll never again flounce unceremoniously into my lap stretching herself out on her back, waiting for her tummy to be rubbed. I'll never again hear her meow upon wakening for me after she has wandered into an open closet whose door suddenly  gets closed before anyone hast noticed how comfortable Goo has gotten and then gone and  fallen asleep somewhere in there. So many memories...

-----------------------------------

About six and a half years ago, my daughter's boyfriend at the time approached Jim and I to ask us permission about something. He wanted to give Sara a female cat about a year old that did not have the most ideal living situation. I don't think that this cat was overtly abused but she definitely needed a more loving and attentive home than her current one. Aside from the fact that we were impressed with  his overt politeness and obvious forethought, we also thought that this would be a good idea as Sara had recently lost her cat of eleven years and was really missing her company. This rather scrawny and somewhat skittish tabby was promptly named Christina Superstar after a character from one of Sara's favourite movies at the time, Party Monster.

From the start, this cat was a little peculiar but always friendly, and right from the start her and Sara bonded nicely. She didn't like loud noises of any kind and didn't particularly care for male voices nor did she react well to any sudden, unexpected movements - none of this has changed much other than tolerating familiar male voices now rather than none at all. About three months after Christina arriving, this same boyfriend shows up on our doorstep - literally - with this tiny, tiny black cat tucked under his coat. 

At the time, this kitten could just about fit into the palm of Jim's hand. It was the tiniest thing I'd ever seen. It certainly looked far too young to have been weened from its Mother, and in fact, Mike was pretty sure his Mother was gone as he had stumbled upon this little thing while he was cutting through the woods near his house on his way from school one wet and miserable day. This little ball of black fur was all by its lonesome in the box Mike found, obviously abandoned and left to die. He earned the name Boo Boo because his head seemed to big for his body and seemed to bauble all around whenever he moved.

I'm pretty sure we knew it was a male right from the start, and still we agreed to let the girls keep it as they promised that they would look after getting the cats fixed.  Our first mistake.

About a year later, Sara comes to us with her suspicions that Christina just might be pregnant, and, boy was she right! Somehow this scrawny, little thing that barely weighed 8 lbs soaking wet   managed to give birth to a litter of seven remarkably healthy offspring. Even more surprising was the sire who less than a year earlier barely looked as if he would even live. Ironically, he is now a majestic six year old tipping the scales at just over 16 lbs, so who knew...

From this litter, we were somehow conned into allowing the girls to keep two of the kittens. They choose the runt of the litter who just happened to be an all black male fairly resembling his Father. Their second choice was a tabby though a much lighter version of the Mother. The male was christened  Pootie Tang  after the 2001 movie of the same name though thankfully this was quickly shortened to Pootie. The female tabby was named after another character from Party Monster, Gitsi.

Gitsi became Gitsi Goo and finally just Goo. Goo was the most amazing cat in the world, at least to me. For whatever reason, pretty much right from the start she showed an affinity towards me. It wasn't long before everyone accepted that Goo was my cat, she had chosen me and I couldn't have felt any luckier or happier. She had quite the personality. When she was a kitten we used to call her Killer cause she was fearsome, afraid of nothing nor fearful of trying anything. She could jump the highest, the furthest, the fastest...Some of the places I'd find her would make me shake my head in wonder. How she'd ever even figure out the logistics was a mystery in itself.

She loved pastries of any kind, but most especially the muffins or cookies from Tim Horton's. I'd always break off a tiny piece for her to munch on whenever I had one. Heaven forbid if I ever forgot. She always knew whenever one of us walked in the door with Tim Horton's. One time, I had forgotten that I had put a paper-bag of their cookies into my purse where it had fallen to the bottom. When I walked in the door this time, I dropped my handbag in the middle of the living room floor and probably wandered off to use the bathroom. I was barely gone five minutes, but by the time I had returned she had managed to rummage through my purse in search of this long forgotten pastry delight and had dragged the paper bag out. She then proceeded to open said paper bag and grab one of the cookies inside. Before I had a chance to do anything, she had the whole thing in her mouth and was making a dash for it! Too late.  Caught and foiled. Drat! Even though she didn't get the entire cookie, I still made sure to share it with her. This was just one of the many things I loved about her.

Another thing that I am going to desperately miss will be how every morning if she wasn't on the bed with me already, the moment she heard my voice, she would race onto the bed to greet me for the day. Once I was up and about for the day, she would be my shadow every second that she wasn't sleeping. Wherever I went, she went. At night, if I lingered a little longer than normal in going to bed then she would patiently sit and wait for me all the while warming my side of the bed. Once I was in bed, she would settle down and snuggle beside me - always lying against my left side putting herself between me and the edge of the bed.

There are so many things that I could go on about this adorable little thing but the more I do, the more upset I am becoming. It is really hard right now. Jim used to say how her little face would come to life every time she heard my voice or how she would seem to listen to everything I said with rapt attention never seeming to notice anyone else in the room. I didn't think it possible to become so attached to a four legged furry little animal but I'm discovering that it is more than possible - it is devastatingly heartbreakingly possible. I am going to miss her so much. I still don't really believe that she is gone or at least I don't want to believe. 

R.I.P. GITSI GOO

MARCH 28, 2007 TO JULY 2, 2012

Junkylife Archives

For the next little while, I am going to post some older entries of mine from a previous blog I had which had been hosted at a domain which, sadly, no longer exists. From July 2005 until approx May 2007, I maintained an online journal titled Why Do Anything When You Can Forget Everything? at www.junkylife.com. Before the domain was kind of unceremoniously shut down, I had managed to post just over 200 entries. While I did manage to get a copy of all of these posts, I haven't been able to figure out how to upload them and add them as part of this blog so from time to time I have entered one of my old posts. I'd like to be able to somehow incorporate these posts with this journal because they cover a part of my past that was particularly dark  and personally frightening which is something that I never want to be cavalier about nor ever forget.  This blog also witnessed my transition out of this near hopeless place as I finally decided to try to get myself help for my opiate addiction. I was able to chronical right from the start my experience with Methadone Maintenance Treatment - MMT - (my first dose was at the end of January 2006).

Tuesday, Tuesday

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2006-01-31 

Well I am halfway through my day at work and I have to admit for the first time in a really long time I actually feel OK. Yesterday was my first dose of methadone and as luck would have it, I also ended up being moved to permanent days on the exact same day. Suddenly with little to no warning I will be working permanent full time days for the first time since March 1996. Combined with starting to go to the klinic on a regular basis, I am pleasantly surprised that I am not as stressed as I thought that I should be today!

I finally got my 20mg dose of methadone yesterday around 5pm. It had been a rather long, painful day waiting for it but within an hour of taking it, I definitely felt its effects. I had increased energy and the aches and pains in my legs slowly subsided. I also got some rather good news during my intake interview. My doctor said that there must be an angel sitting on my shoulder because my body does not appear to show any of the normal signs of such an abusive lifestyle. All of my bloodwork as well as my EKG came back with excellent results. Who''da thunk that I was actually healthy? So much for being a hypochondriac! Obviously I am thrilled to bits with this news cause it will just end up making me more determined to follow the MMT program to the letter. If I have managed to get to near 42 without any real serious health issues, I would like to kind of keep it this way.

I did a pill around 10pm last night and one around 2am but for the most part, I didn''t experience the normal aggitation that I should have been knowing that I didn''t really have a supply. I also knew that I would be waking up unusually early for me. Not only was I getting up early but I was going to have to be instantly mobile to go to work. Normally this would flood me with fear but as the klinic opens at 7am on Tuesdays, I decided that the best thing to do would be to dose just prior to work. It has now been four and a half hours and I am happy to report that I am feeling relaxed and not experiencing any normal sickness. If I can maintain this until 4pm, I will be thrilled. Yes, I plan on copping at that time but I think I am still making fantastic progress all things considered.

Once I have reached a stabilized dose I plan on taking my methadone at the same time every day. I am just slightly freaked out right now because of my whole move to having to be in the office during normal business hours something that I have managed to avoid for nearly a decade! All in all though I am feeling positive for the first time in a really long time! Yeah for me!    

Monday, Monday

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2006-01-30

Trying very hard to get through the next two hours of work.  I went to my methadone intake this morning and I get my first dose at 4pm today. Got to love that it is split over the day but I suppose better than waiting until tomorrow. Normally that is the routine but just lucky the way things worked out with me. I am fiending right now because I don''t have anything and I am not usually at work when I am quite this lucid. My dealer got picked up with all of his pills last night although he will be able to pick them up from the police station as soon as he finds his receipt as he is actually prescribed them. Sucks cause he got picked up before he got to my place so I think the rest of you can pretty much fill in the blanks. Grrr. There is someone else that I deal with but she is currently bailing her boyfriend out of jail so I am so stuck here at work with not an option in sight. Three o''clock can not arrive soon enough. My legs are starting to cramp and I am about to get whiney but what''s a girl to do?

I start at 20 - is it mg or ml? - of methadone and increase in units of five twice per week until I have reach a stabilized dose. I think that the last time I was on it I went as high as 90 which seemed to do the trick for me cause I wasn''t using or even thinking of using. So I guess in six or seven weeks I should be drug free except for the methadone if all goes according to plan. The doctor seems quite nice. He gave me this tomb of a book to read on recovery. I think it is like a door prize. I get to keep it just for coming out. Well if this day continues as slow as it is then I may be forced to educate myself!   

And Then...

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005-10-06

Well I am at work so I guess that this is something positive. Feel like crap even though I just did a pill. Spent the last of my money until next week on it so am feeling somewhat bittersweet about no longer feeling sick. Always leaves a bit of an aftertaste in my mouth when I use the last of our funds on straightening me out. I was able to reason the expense though in that as we have no real income until my next payday which is still eight days away, that $20 was really not going to benefit us to any great extent. Not as if we could exist for over a week on a $20 budget so figured I might as well be broke a few hours earlier than I was going to be anyway. Pffft...Whatever.

I guess it didn''t help that we had to hand over $1320 for first and last month''s rent on Monday. Obviously had we not have had that expense then things would have been entirely different. I was trying to encourage Jim to go ask for an advance on his pay today but I doubt very much that he will do it. He didn''t seem to be giving me any positive feedback so no hopes up I guess. I could cross my fingers and hope for a miracle but that too would only end up being fruitless. I guess though that I am in a decent enough mood. It is still ridiculously hot and humid in southwestern Ontario, kind of unusual for this time of year. Probably a good thing as I have no idea where my warmer clothes are. Packed most definitely. I did manage to get all of our clothes out so it is just a matter of opening the correct garbage bag!!!

Love Letters

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005 09

A number of years ago, Jim had to go to California and Mexico without me and, unfortunately , he had to do this three week trip without any sort of chemical help so to speak. This was significant because at this time we were pretty deep into our addiction, easily at our worst.  As  he couldn't take the chance of trying to bring anything illegal with him through customs, he was pretty much forced to go cold turkey pretty right from the start of his not at all brief trip. While he was away, instead of my normal entries on my blog, I composed letters to him so he could read them while  he was away. The following is what I first wrote in my journal to explain what I was about to do as well as some of my correspondence to him:
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2005-09-17

For the next two weeks, I am going to do something a little different with my journal. My boyfriend, partner, husband, whatever label you want to put on it is away in San Francisco and Mexico. This is by far the longest time that Jim and I have ever been separated since we became a "couple". Until about a half an hour before he actually left, I didn''t realize how much I was going to, actually am, miss him. The last two days have been a bit of a haze for me. You don''t realize how dependent you have become on someone I guess until they are no longer there even just for the short term. I know that he is coming back but that still hasn''t made it any easier. I have said before how lucky I am to have found someone like Jim and this is now more apparent than ever. I feel bad for all of the times that I have taken him for granted or been mean unneccesarily to him or just plain ignored him because he was being "irritating". I am glad that he is coming back, that it is only a vacation for him, because I vow that upon his return, I will have a whole new outlook towards us and toward him. He has this address so I hope that he is able to access a computer over the next two weeks. He should be able to as I checked the Princess Cruise brochure and apparently they do have internet cafes on board.

First a little background on his "vacation". His parents fortieth wedding anniversary was yesterday I believe and they thought that this would be the perfect time to get him and his sister and themselves to celebrate it by going on a near three week vacation. Only them though, neither of their children''s significant others so that is why I have been left behind. Now this is the last thing that Jim wanted to do, be trapped for eighteen days with his parents and sister with nothing to relieve the associated stress. He has gone on this trip with no more than a dozen and a half Percodan and by now withdrawal sickness of no parallel with no help in sight. No one else knows about his dependency on the pills plus he would not get any sympathy even if they did, more likely an intervention. So here he is three thousand miles from home having to go through withdrawal but without letting his family know. And the Oscar this year goes to...

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2005-09-18

Dear Jim,

Well it has been two days now since you left, almost forty eight hours exactly. Sorry about being so emotional. I was even caught by surprise. You''ll think I am silly even now as I find my eyes tearing up as I type this but then you''ve always known how emotional I get. Remember the first time I watched Phenomena or  As Good as it Gets? I''ve been rewatching Battlestar Gallactica with Sara over the last day and a half and have been crying at some of the episodes! I have managed to get her to watch about three of them so far and she actually admitted to quite liking the show!

After you left, I went up to the dollar store to buy ribbon cause I had a brilliant idea creatively. I have made six more of those little purses that you brought for your Mom and sister! Sara called from Sara #2''s house so I went to pick them both up to bring them back to our apartment. They were both grieving for the P-O-T of course and didn''t find any until 11pm that night. Made them take the bus to meet their friend as I wasn''t taking a chance driving the truck at night even though they only had to go to Wonderland and Commissioners.

I got a call from *** around 8pm and he wanted to borrow the truck to pick up some tile for Steve or something and I said that he could but that as it was dark, I wasn''t comfortable driving it over. He said that he had a driver and would be right over. Right...Up until about 3am, he called about every hour to say that he was a couple minutes away, there in half an hour, blah, blah, blah. I think that I finally fell asleep shortly after 3am but he did end up calling around 11am Sunday morning. I brought the truck over to him and he gave me a few pills and then drove me home. The two Saras hung around the apartment most of Sunday smoking their P-O-T and sleeping on and off. I cleaned up the living room and got half of the bedroom tidied up. Nice mess we created while looking for your birth certificate! My main priority cleaning wise was to be able to sit on the bed comfortably so mission accomplished. Your side of the bedroom still looks as if a bomb went off but I guess I have lots of time to straighten that mess out. Still no notice by the way so...

I told *** to keep the truck overnight as I had no use for it. Sara #2 took a bus home around 8pm last night and then Sara and I went to Burger King to grab some dinner and watch some tv. It was a nice quiet night and I think that we both went into bed with the lights out by 11pm. I felt really tired although I seemed to wake up about every two hours throughout the night. Her alarm ended up waking me up but not her this morning. I woke her up around 7am and after some mad dashing around she was out the door for school. As she never came back, I assume that she didn''t miss her bus. This morning I just didn''t feel like getting out of bed and drifted in and out of sleep until almost 1pm. I called *** to see if he could come get me for work but he wasn''t at home - think he was getting lucky if I understood what he was telling me. He had left the truck at Steve''s cause he had had too much to drink last night and didn''t want to risk driving it. He wasn''t at Steve''s either but at a lady friend, not Sharon but someone else too. He sent a limo for me to get me to work! I didn''t mean for him to do that but I didn''t turn it down either.

So I am at work drug free but I don''t feel as bad as I normally do. My stomach is a little upset though and I figure that you are probably in worse shape than I so I am not complaining. Sucking it up and am going to get through the day no matter what. Work has been extremely slow today and I have already been here two hours. Have only had one call. This entry has taken most of my time excellent typist that I am - not!

Hope you have a chance to read this. Comment if you do. I really, really miss you and can''t wait until you are back on Canadian soil. I hope that it is not as awful as you imagined it would be and trust that you are doing your best to get along with your sister. I love you. Sending you only good thoughts and wishes.

P.S. Update 7:36pm Well I am almost done for the day and I have more or less made it. I am still standing, well sitting actually, but you know what I mean. Opiate free for an entire shift at work. This certainly is a first in a long time. I just want to go home now. Don''t want to see anyone. Guess I will have to see *** about the truck but unless he offers, I ain''t saying a thing. He has already been generous enough and I am not comfortable asking for additional favours right now. ***** is of absolute no use either as *** has said he has cut her off for good this time, no more favours after this past weekend when she was talking trash about him. He says that he means it this time and right now I believe him. And well with ** cut my nose to spite my face so to speak so what is left? Just little old me. Wish my head would back off and my arms would stop shaking but I''ll be OK, I guess. Still missing you and hope to hear from you soon. kisses always.... 

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2005-09-19

Dear Jim,

It is now 4:14am and I think that I am going to try to go to sleep. My back is kind of aching and I am tired of feeling all hot and sweaty. Maybe if I try to lie still I will start to cool down. I went over to Tim Horton''s around midnight to grab an ice capp and it was nice and cool outside so I have no idea why it feels so hot and humid up here.

I couldn''t get a hold of *** after work. Well that is not entirely true. He was somewhere in White Oaks and didn''t know when he would be travelling north again so I just decided to take the bus home and forget about the truck. Funny how people that do not have jobs forget about those of us that do. Oh well, probably for the best as I/we can''t afford to go into any more debt right now. I took half of the Percodans that I "stole" from you and they seemed to help a little. Going to save the remaining three for just before work tomorrow. Sara stayed overnight at Katie''s which was just as well as I probably wouldn''t have been the greatest company.

Still no white paper on the front door and I checked to see if the rental sign is still up in the window of Talbot St and it is. I think that I will wait until later in the week but if the sign is still there, I will call the guy that we talked to. I plan on offering him a $150 to hold the apartment for us explaining that you are away for two weeks. I will be able to give him the remainder of the money on the 30th of this month. It''s not as if he was expecting to receive any money for September anyway so hopefully he will go for this. Fingers crossed naturally.

OK am going to try and sleep now. I am still watching Battlestar Gallactica episodes. I started season one over last night and am now on the ninth one I believe, the one when the drunken colonel''s wife returns. I love the dinner scene amongst everyone upon her return. Hahahaha. 

Kisses and love always...

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2005-09-20

Dear Jim,

It is almost quarter to eight and I am only getting to this now. Today has been crazy busy because our activation server had been down for the last six days so everyone has been calling in today to get their stupid software activated. At least I haven''t really had a chance to feel too sorry for myself! Looks as if you are missing absolutely nothing here. Again I have not been able to get ahold of *** so I am just going to hop on a bus to go home. Not really in a postion to hunt him down nor do I really feel too inclined to either. Thought about calling ****** but what''s the point. Don''t feel like dealing with her crap attitude anyway.

I shall update this more once I get home. Still no word from our current property management company which I think is rather strange but not about to investigate either. Might as well leave well enough alone right?

Ok just got another bloody call and it will probably take me until the end of my shift.

Missing you terribly,

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2005-09-21

Dear Jim,

I hope that you got my most recent emails. Everyone has been really helpful and quick to respond about what to do once you get to Mexico. It may not be impossible after all except for the part about losing your parents and sister. I hope that they are not glued to you like Crazy Glue!


It is almost midnight and I am just about to get into bed. Tired and kind of sore right now. Work was busy the entire day which was different but I don''t really have any interest in talking about it. As I said in my first email, I have been taking a 400mg Advil every four hours and then one of the LiquiGel Advils also every four hours but opposite to the other. I have also been pounding back some Vitamin 12 each time I take the Advil. Plus I took a Claritin Liberator 24 hour allergy pill too cause I noticed that they have 240mg pseudoephedrine sulfate which I was hoping would give me a wee bit of energy. I suppose the fact that I stayed awake at work meant it worked. Duh...Try a sauna and whirlpool if you have a chance. I know how much you hate saunas but maybe sweating out some of the poisons will help. The whirlpool will certainly help your aching muscles. I took two today and plan on doing the same tomorrow.


Remember those blue denim shoes that I got with the ridiculous five inch heels? Well I glued the heel that was broken and thought that it would be a good idea to wear them to work today cause they looked super nice with the pants that I was wearing. Hmmm, not one of my brighter ideas seeing how the last time I wore heels was sometime back in 1988 just prior to breaking my knee cap. I left the apartment for work, got on the elevator and the moment that I got to the lobby I sat down on the couch to switch into my sandles. Didn''t think that I would make it to the bus stop in one piece if I had kept them on although they did look pretty smashing when I was sitting at my desk.


So of course I wait until the last second to go to work and head out to take the 1:35 bus which gets downtown at 1:55. I really should have taken the prior bus just in case something went wrong which of course it did. I get on the bus and there are two other passengers already on it except that one of them was totally passed out across about five seats and the bus driver was totally stressed. He asked me if I was in a hurry and I said well, I did have to be at work by 2pm but I understood about the possible delay. He said that he had just called the ambulance and sure enough I saw and heard it almost immediately - like it had really far to travel! Suddenly right behind it two fire engines come to a screaming stop. The paramedics come on the bus through the back door and attempt to wake this sleeping beauty. When she finally comes to she practically jumps through the roof. The one paramedic starts asking her questions especially if she had been doing any "recreational" drugs today. Probably not. She must have just been really tired! Anyway they finally get her off the bus and into the ambulance so that the bus can leave. The paramedics and firefighters must have been pretty fast cause I was at work and signed onto my computer by exactly 1:59pm.


After tidying up the mess we made the other day while looking for your birth certificate, I quickly made it considerably worse by deciding to sort through all the leftover pieces of taffeta with the intent to organize. I also decided to make a few more of those purses that you gave to your sister and mother and before I knew it, I had about a dozen more made. They all look very pretty and shiny too! I didn''t really know what to do with them so I started pushig thumb tacks through the wall to hang them  on. Boy, do they end up covering quite a large portion of space but they sure look bright and colourful and will most definitely be objects of your ridicule upon your return!
  
OK my smoke is almost done so I am going to climb into bed now. It''s lonely there without you. I even miss your rocking back and forth. Hope to hear from you soon. Have a good night and try to get some sleep. Love you and  miss you. Bunches of kisses and hugs always,


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I received the following email in my mailbox this morning. Isn''t he the most?


"hi sweetie,

it would seem that this is going to be a lot tougher than i originally believed it would be .... and i don''t believe that it is to do with drugs .... merely the not being near you i am seemingly having a terrible time with. i will try to monitor this account as best as i can.
with my love, jim"

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2005-09-22

Dear Jim,

I am absolutely bored to tears. I am at work right now and it is almost 3pm. Only five more hours to go until I can go home. My hands are so sore and swollen that I can barely type. I didn''t go to work yesterday because I just didn''t feel like it. I ended up sleeping most of the day and most of last night. I even found it hard to get up this morning but I had to as I had court. I got it adjourned until October 6th cause I didn''t know what else to do. I wish that you had been here so that you could have gone with me. I felt so alone and just wanted to cry but I made it through. They also go alphabetically so I had to wait until almost one before they called my name. Then I just came to work.

****** has the truck right now because she needed to go pick up Daryll who is getting out of jail today. I just had her go pick it up from ***. She is of no use right now anyway as *** has totally cut her off and she was waiting to get more speed. I had her bring some P-O-T to Sara and she managed to grab two oxy40mgs for me but I hardly even noticed them when I did them. I probably shouldn''t have cause now I am back to day one. I had at least not done anything since Sunday. Oh well not too much I can do about it right now. I don''t know why my hands are so sore though. Typing is actually rather tough for me right now.

Tell me about the ship. Is it nice? Do you have to share a room with your sister? Are there things to do on it? Are you seasick? Is it warm? I am so glad that you actually found my blog. You should try to read some of the others that are part of junkylife because there are some really interesting people that contribute here. OK I am really,really sorry but this is all an update I can do right now. I am not exaggerating but my hands are for crap.

Love you intensely and miss you outrageously and can''t wait until you are home,

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2005-09-23

Dear Jim,

I am so excited that you are leaving comments in my journal. We could start making it our journal if you wanted to although I know that you are not terribly keen on the whole typing thing. Something to think about for the future perhaps. I am at my second computer at work today and neither one has let me load MSN Web Messenger for some reason. Keeps timing out which is unusual because normally the speed in which pages load is never an issue. I just did a speed test and my connection is 136 Kbps or download speed of 17 kB/s which sucks beyond belief. Normally our speeds our lightening fast so I don''t understand. Going to check to see if Dane is still here and ask him if they did any changes.

Yesterday in the early evening we had one of the best thunderstorms that I have seen in a really, really long time. It lasted for close to two hours also which was pretty cool. Usually the worst of it will last ten or fifteen minutes but not this bad boy. I was at work for most of it. Most of the city lost their electicity for a little bit but of course not work. Sara said that the apartment was without for about an hour but was on by the time that I got home from work.

On my way to work today, I happened to notice a poster for a show tonight at the Whippet Lounge. Guess who is playing? Come on, guess. OK...The Vapids and Johnny Terrien and the Bad Lts. Hahahaha...Thought that this was really funny for some reason. I am half toying with the idea of stopping into to the Whippet to check the show out but I probably won''t which makes me a reallly lame-o person. I mean would it really kill me to wander down there? No not really. Maybe I can convince Sara to go with me. This would be a perfect show for you and I to go to together but of course, you know that already.

My head has been pounding all day. I think that I have spoken about six words to people at work. Thank goodness the phones have been quiet. Think I may have only had about four calls so far too. Whew. I can''t smoke either as my stomach is upset. Everytime I go to light a cigarette, I get that feeling that I am going to be sick so I put it out immediately. Haven''t had one cigarette since I got to work today either.

Bad news of sorts. Mr Jamie B got picked up by le police last evening I guess. Wonder if les brothers can share a cell? Apparently there was a high speed chase that culminated in ******''s backyard of all places although the police did not go to talk to her or anyone at her house once they had arrested him. He called her on his cell phone to let her know what was going on so she said the sirens etc were no surprise when they did finally arrive. She said she didn''t open any of her doors just in case but she could hear the police telling him to get out of the car and to lie on the ground, etc, etc. I forgot to ask her what time this all occurred. Silly, silly boy. Now he is screwed. He should have just done those weekends when he had a chance cause I don''t think he''ll be released any time in the near future now.

There is more that I want to say but my hands are a tad sore and I don''t really feel like typing right now. I am going to cruise around and catch up on my fellow junkylifers for a little bit right now I think.

Still missing you outrageously. I can''t remember what started me off yesterday but I started crying for no reason at home before work cause you weren''t around. Needless to say, my sleeping is for crap. I have yet to find a comfortable position for one and fear that this is but a dream now anyway. Even the cat''s presence cannot soothe me although she is trying her best. Well, your return is now certainly getting closer. We are halfway there so that''s something. I am so glad that you are actually returning cause I don''t know what I would do if for some reason we were to actually separate - OK, so now I know that this is something that will never, ever happen unless it is over my dead body!!!!

Love you always and hope to hear from you very soon,

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2005-09-25

Dear Jim,

OK I am now over that intense interlude of me feeling oh so sorry for myself and to heck with the rest of you pitiful souls. How very selfish of me and kind of typical too, huh? Sorry, that really wasn''t very nice of me cause knowing you, you will go and worry about me when you should be focusing on yourself.

I think that I read that morphine and maybe vicodan were the painkillers most often prescribed by pharmacists in Mexico but I will double check that. I am pretty sure that you can get valium or similar type products over the counter so even if you are not brave enough to follow Katie''s advice you should probably grab some of the valium typed meds cause at the very least, they may knock you out enough to get at least a decent nights sleep.

I did an oxy the other day but nothing since. When I say that you are not missing anything here, I am so not exaggerating. Even though it does kind of suck, I am kind of glad that this is happening while you are away because it has forced me to be realistic with the situation rather than depend on you to somehow make everything all better and then getting all bent out of shape when you are unable to pull that rabbit out of the hat! Still don''t like it but you get the gist I think. *** is out although he just called to say he has those time release ones in 12mg and 24mg sizes. You know the ones that you have to grind into a really fine powder before attempting anything else with them. They are dilaudids though which still puts them ahead of those horrific oxycontins. Now, honestly, I am just feeling too damn lazy to go out although I know that I will regret this later. Hmmm...must ponder.

****** obviously does not have any either as she gets hers from *** and is just so inconvenienced to look for alternatives unless absolutely forced. Now that Jamie is in jail it will be doubly harder to get her to be arsed so thankfully this may be the beginning of the end of our dealings with her. Although I have not yet, ** is prepared to deal with me again cause I called to apologize. I was actually calling about getting a carton of cigarettes but I am apparently absolved and can call around for the other if I so choose. I definitely am getting a carton tomorrow before traffic court but must ponder the other. Do not want to screw myself financially this week. Sara did manage to score some cash from her Granny so we are flush again for a minute or two!

This time though I have been experiencing some rather strange side effects on top of your regular garden variety ones. For some reason, I have broken out in canker sores/blisters across my top lip and inside the top of my mouth. They just popped up suddenly overnight but I had been complaining to anyone that would listen of feeling kind of rundown these past few days so probably related. I just got rid of a near three day headache about two and a half hours ago and with its demise, my naseau seems to also disappeared. The upset stomach was really throwing my equilibrium off also. Friday afternoon I actually threw up a number of times - always a good time especially when it happens at work! Don''t think anyone actually noticed.    What else to say? Darryl is home and he sends his regards - says if he had gotten out sooner he would have joined you and your folks on the cruise!!! He is looking good and feeling good thanks to his two month stint of "rehab". You know Darryl, he says that is one of the reasons that he loves going in from time to time cause he loves to dry out and clean up and start anew! Funny, funny guy. Do you know who was waiting for him anxiously to get released? Sharon. Apparently she is madly in love with Darryl and I was with her the first chance she saw Darryl after his release and she was positively giddy and gushing and beside herself. The feeling seems very mutual from him as well so that is nice although just this week she found out that she was HIV positive so I am not sure how this will end up affecting them. Or ***   as didn''t he just sleep with her?

I guess that this is all I have to say for now. I will write later for sure. Going to start to do some packing. I am not yet stressed about Wednesday and don''t think that I will end up being too worked up about it. For some reason, this seems managable and I am optimistic about finding a place quickly. Just a feeling.

Still missing you but now we are past the midway mark so you have been away longer than the time you have left so it can only get better from here on in, right? Bunches of kisses and hugs and like our uncouth and uncivilized friends like to say, I will have a big smash waiting upon your return!

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2005-09-29

Dear Jim,

Sorry that I haven''t written lately. I have been feeling kind of depressed I guess and terribly unmotivated. Am so tired of going to work sick as it makes my measley six hours feel like sixty. It hasn''t helped much that wwe have been ridiculously slow this week. Yesterday I didn''t end up having a call after 5pm. There are only so many web sites that you can surf before you start to go raving mad too!

Well we are out of the apartment. Went to your parents yesterday. I brought the cat but I assumed that this was OK cause otherwise I had nothing to do with her. Poor kitty. I have all of the doors closed to most of the rooms so the cat is limited to where she can roam. She knows where her litter is and so far she has not done anything untoward. The sign was gone from the apartment on Talbot when I checked tonight on my dinner break so sad about that. I have a couple of other prospects which I will pursue tomorrow before work I guess. Tried to get tomorrow off but there would be no one to cover for me so I have to go to work. Oh well.

Can''t wait until you get home. I know that it is just a heartbeat away now but I still am impatient. Have missed you so much although Sara has been excellent company these past two weeks and has seemed to have made a concerted effort to get along with me which is a nice change. Thank goodness for small miracles. I believe that *** was actually seeing his doctor today so at least there will be a nice, big treat waiting your return. I have not seen ****** since Sunday night after I talked to you. Remember I said that she was being difficult? Well I got the truck back and parked it immediately at ***''s. Apparently she is none too keen about this although she has said nothing to me or to ***, just bitching to anyone else in her earshot I guess. Word has it that she is out of absolutely everything imaginable so she would have been of no use anyway!

OK, less than half an hour to go until my shift is done. Finally. Thought it would never end. Missing you and thinking about you and eagerly anticipating your return. All of my love now and forever,

Waiting on a Friend

I know it has been ages since I last updated, and I am pretty sure that 2012 will go down as my year of neglect but I am hoping to change all of this – hopefully starting right now! As I haven't seen my brother now in close to two years, I find myself missing him more and more frequently. Like most things, I didn't realize how much I would miss him until he was gone. So very typical indeed, yet not something I had originally considered might happen. Miss him I did. We had always been really, really close, but once he started to date, and then subsequently marry and fall heavily under the influence of Erica, we began drifting further and further apart. We would have most likely have lived out our lives this way except for that savage attack on Jim four years ago.

This attack, and all that it represented, especially that whole fragility of life et al, had a sobering effect on both of us. The four of us agreed that whatever had passed before this attack would now be water under the bridge. Any and all transgressions were to be forgiven and forgotten. We were all issued a clean slate. Now this is extremely important when one remembers all that my sister-in-law had subjected me to over the years, as well as all of us having to endure her generally mean and petty demeanor towards my brother's immediate family. Incredibly she could rarely be bothered to play nice, which is pretty shocking into and of itself when you take into consideration that by immediate I mean my Mother, myself (& Jim) and my daughter (or his niece), Sara. It truly doesn't get much smaller than this!

For anyone interested in reading and finding out exactly what I mean about my sister-in-laws temperament, can read THIS, THIS and/or THAT at their leisure. You can also choose SISTER-IN-LAW or FAMILY FEUD or BROTHER or you get my drift n'est pas? Now, three of us four actually meant it when we said that the past was exactly that, ancient history, and that the past would be exactly where it would all remain, no longer able to influence or prejudice our future relationships. From the time of the attack until my brother had to leave Ontario for Nova Scotia due to his job situation we made up for lost time. Although he ended up moving half way across the country barely a year and a half after our attack, when he left our relationship was the strongest that it had ever been since we became adults. I guess because of this it made his move that much more difficult and bittersweet in the end, but I'd most certainly prefer this than had he left under acrimonious circumstances that's for bloody sure.

He has now been gone two years and three months which means that is how long it has been since I've seen him. Sure, we talk on the phone and email back and forth, and I even learned how to Skype this year – Skype truly is bloody, freaking amazing I must confess! None of this is the same as seeing the person in the flesh. They are merely cheap imitations and substitutes! Jim and I had actually planned on flying east this summer for six days aiming to be there for either the end of July or beginning of August depending on the availability and price of flights. As my Mom was going to visit them in May and her parents were supposed to visit in June, we thought it prudent that we wait a bit so that they wouldn't feel inundated with all of these guests – we had every intention of staying at a hotel for our entire visit as I would never presume to think we could stay with them – this would actually be rather difficult space wise as there wouldn't really be any, extra space that is, cause they now have five children giving them a household total of seven! Never mind the space issue, the fact that there would be five children under the age of 13 under said roof would be enough motivation to get our own hotel room!

Unfortunately, these best laid plans will not be happening at all this summer. Erica's most recent pregnancy was fraught with problems so Mom ended up flying east so that she could stay with them to help out and her visit stretched out to near six weeks. Her parents' visit was put in jeopardy when they discovered a dark cloud on one of her Mother's lungs during a routine chest x-ray. While it did turn out to be cancerous, apparently it was caught right in the initial stages so her prognosis is very optimistic although she does have to have 12 weeks of chemotherapy which obviously will prevent them from traveling in the near future. If this wasn't enough, my brother decided that his current job in Nova Scotia wouldn't be good enough to support his growing family, nor in fact, would any other job in Nova Scotia right now. After the Christmas holidays he started to send his resume out to a number of companies right across the country. While there were a few that expressed interest in my brother's resume, one company in Edmonton, AB and another in Langley, BC were extremely promising and seemed to be able to offer a substantial pay raise. Ultimately he decided to go with the company in BC cause he felt that this would be a much better place to raise children – population approx. 35 000 vs. something like 1.2 million!

He starts his new job on Monday, July 9^th but I just found out that before he starts him and his family will be stopping in Ontario en route from Nova Scotia. This is the best news that I've gotten this year by a long shot to be sure! I am so excited. Their furniture etc. is getting moved across the country in some sort of storage container separately and is leaving NS on June 28^th which is also the last day of the children's school year. The next day, the whole family will drive in their van to Ontario stopping occasionally so that Erica can feed their newborn – born the second week of April so will still be feeding every few hours minimum. I don't know exactly when they will arrive in Ontario as it will all depend on what kind of time they make, but I do know when they will all be leaving Ontario as they'll be flying for the second half of their trip and their plane tickets have all been bought and reserved for July 5^th! Apparently, her Dad has found someone to buy their van in Ontario plus her brother was able to give them a gift of 220 000 Air Miles allowing them to fly out to BC instead of having to face that extremely lengthy drive west across the country. I've got no clue how much time that would take either though I don't imagine it would be very fast.

So, within the next two weeks and a bit, I will actually get to see my brother as well as spend some quality time with him. I can't wait. I talked to him a couple of days ago when I called him to wish him a Happy 46^th Birthday and he is equally excited. Now, Jim and I are going to start saving and planning on flying west next summer instead of heading east this one.

Peace, love and happiness…

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Victim Kicked 'like a soccer ball'

COURTS

By Jane Sims, London Free Press

February 15, 2012 11:05pm

All he was doing was buying a sausage after a night out with a female friend.

"How did you get a girl?" asked a stranger in an orange polo shirt standing near the man at the vendor's stand near York and Richmond streets at closing time.

"I'm going to get with her," the stranger continued.

The man and woman tried to ignore the orange-shirted, dark-skinned man -- Marol Angou, 25, of London -- but the attack began.

The man was struck to the ground, then kicked in the head "like a soccer ball," assistant Crown attorney Jennifer Chalykoff told Ontario Court Justice John Getliffe.

The man was kicked at least 17 times as he was on the ground in the fetal position protecting his head and begging the attack stop. His female companion was struck by Angou's female friend, and punched by Angou twice when she tried to intervene, Chalykoff said.

Then he walked away.

Identification was the main issue in the case, but Getliffe convicted Angou Wednesday, saying he was convinced it was Angou who committed the random act of horrifying violence on a stranger on Aug. 20, 2011.

Angou offered alibis -- both soundly rejected by Getliffe.

"I simply do not believe him," the judge said.

Angou first claimed he was in custody at the Elgin-Middlesex Detention Centre after the victim and his friend saw Angou downtown after the attack and approached to make sure he was the man who assaulted them.

Once sure, they gathered friends, returned to where they found Angou, then called police.

An initial check showed Angou was in custody, but that was a clerical mistake.

He was at the jail the following day after he was picked up by police for causing a disturbance not far from the attack the night before -- and wearing the same distinct orange polo shirt he had when he attacked the man.

Angou's second alibi was he had been with a friend at an east London bar, met some girls and partied at someone's house.

But a check of the video surveillance at the London Housing complex where Angou's friend lived didn't support his story.

The male victim suffered serious physical and psychological injuries, but was able to recall the orange shirt, the dark skin and the man's accent.

Angou will be sentenced March 9.

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The above article appeared in my local newspaper late last week and was of concern to me because the male in the article was one of the three that had attacked my husband and I in May 2008. He is obviously not too far removed from some savage and untamed animal as his repeated  behaviour continually seems to illustrate.  He obviously learned next to nothing during the twenty four months he sat in jail as punishment for his horrific actions against us. This much is very clearly apparent. 

If anything he seems to be mocking our Canadian judicial system at every opportunity, and is quite clearly not capable of owning any sort of responsibility for his actions. I'm fairly confident that this next sentence he will be receiving in a couple of  weeks time will be as effective as all of the others preceding this one. 

I wish I could believe that this most recent punishment will even go as far as being an actual representation of the crimes committed but I have so very little faith that this could even remotely happen no matter how tough the judges words might appear in this article. No doubt come sentencing day they shall be long forgotten and in their place there will be more rationalizations why we should allow the system just one more chance to attempt rehabilitation. Whatever...