Love Letters

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005 09

A number of years ago, Jim had to go to California and Mexico without me and, unfortunately , he had to do this three week trip without any sort of chemical help so to speak. This was significant because at this time we were pretty deep into our addiction, easily at our worst.  As  he couldn't take the chance of trying to bring anything illegal with him through customs, he was pretty much forced to go cold turkey pretty right from the start of his not at all brief trip. While he was away, instead of my normal entries on my blog, I composed letters to him so he could read them while  he was away. The following is what I first wrote in my journal to explain what I was about to do as well as some of my correspondence to him:
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2005-09-17

For the next two weeks, I am going to do something a little different with my journal. My boyfriend, partner, husband, whatever label you want to put on it is away in San Francisco and Mexico. This is by far the longest time that Jim and I have ever been separated since we became a "couple". Until about a half an hour before he actually left, I didn''t realize how much I was going to, actually am, miss him. The last two days have been a bit of a haze for me. You don''t realize how dependent you have become on someone I guess until they are no longer there even just for the short term. I know that he is coming back but that still hasn''t made it any easier. I have said before how lucky I am to have found someone like Jim and this is now more apparent than ever. I feel bad for all of the times that I have taken him for granted or been mean unneccesarily to him or just plain ignored him because he was being "irritating". I am glad that he is coming back, that it is only a vacation for him, because I vow that upon his return, I will have a whole new outlook towards us and toward him. He has this address so I hope that he is able to access a computer over the next two weeks. He should be able to as I checked the Princess Cruise brochure and apparently they do have internet cafes on board.

First a little background on his "vacation". His parents fortieth wedding anniversary was yesterday I believe and they thought that this would be the perfect time to get him and his sister and themselves to celebrate it by going on a near three week vacation. Only them though, neither of their children''s significant others so that is why I have been left behind. Now this is the last thing that Jim wanted to do, be trapped for eighteen days with his parents and sister with nothing to relieve the associated stress. He has gone on this trip with no more than a dozen and a half Percodan and by now withdrawal sickness of no parallel with no help in sight. No one else knows about his dependency on the pills plus he would not get any sympathy even if they did, more likely an intervention. So here he is three thousand miles from home having to go through withdrawal but without letting his family know. And the Oscar this year goes to...

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2005-09-18

Dear Jim,

Well it has been two days now since you left, almost forty eight hours exactly. Sorry about being so emotional. I was even caught by surprise. You''ll think I am silly even now as I find my eyes tearing up as I type this but then you''ve always known how emotional I get. Remember the first time I watched Phenomena or  As Good as it Gets? I''ve been rewatching Battlestar Gallactica with Sara over the last day and a half and have been crying at some of the episodes! I have managed to get her to watch about three of them so far and she actually admitted to quite liking the show!

After you left, I went up to the dollar store to buy ribbon cause I had a brilliant idea creatively. I have made six more of those little purses that you brought for your Mom and sister! Sara called from Sara #2''s house so I went to pick them both up to bring them back to our apartment. They were both grieving for the P-O-T of course and didn''t find any until 11pm that night. Made them take the bus to meet their friend as I wasn''t taking a chance driving the truck at night even though they only had to go to Wonderland and Commissioners.

I got a call from *** around 8pm and he wanted to borrow the truck to pick up some tile for Steve or something and I said that he could but that as it was dark, I wasn''t comfortable driving it over. He said that he had a driver and would be right over. Right...Up until about 3am, he called about every hour to say that he was a couple minutes away, there in half an hour, blah, blah, blah. I think that I finally fell asleep shortly after 3am but he did end up calling around 11am Sunday morning. I brought the truck over to him and he gave me a few pills and then drove me home. The two Saras hung around the apartment most of Sunday smoking their P-O-T and sleeping on and off. I cleaned up the living room and got half of the bedroom tidied up. Nice mess we created while looking for your birth certificate! My main priority cleaning wise was to be able to sit on the bed comfortably so mission accomplished. Your side of the bedroom still looks as if a bomb went off but I guess I have lots of time to straighten that mess out. Still no notice by the way so...

I told *** to keep the truck overnight as I had no use for it. Sara #2 took a bus home around 8pm last night and then Sara and I went to Burger King to grab some dinner and watch some tv. It was a nice quiet night and I think that we both went into bed with the lights out by 11pm. I felt really tired although I seemed to wake up about every two hours throughout the night. Her alarm ended up waking me up but not her this morning. I woke her up around 7am and after some mad dashing around she was out the door for school. As she never came back, I assume that she didn''t miss her bus. This morning I just didn''t feel like getting out of bed and drifted in and out of sleep until almost 1pm. I called *** to see if he could come get me for work but he wasn''t at home - think he was getting lucky if I understood what he was telling me. He had left the truck at Steve''s cause he had had too much to drink last night and didn''t want to risk driving it. He wasn''t at Steve''s either but at a lady friend, not Sharon but someone else too. He sent a limo for me to get me to work! I didn''t mean for him to do that but I didn''t turn it down either.

So I am at work drug free but I don''t feel as bad as I normally do. My stomach is a little upset though and I figure that you are probably in worse shape than I so I am not complaining. Sucking it up and am going to get through the day no matter what. Work has been extremely slow today and I have already been here two hours. Have only had one call. This entry has taken most of my time excellent typist that I am - not!

Hope you have a chance to read this. Comment if you do. I really, really miss you and can''t wait until you are back on Canadian soil. I hope that it is not as awful as you imagined it would be and trust that you are doing your best to get along with your sister. I love you. Sending you only good thoughts and wishes.

P.S. Update 7:36pm Well I am almost done for the day and I have more or less made it. I am still standing, well sitting actually, but you know what I mean. Opiate free for an entire shift at work. This certainly is a first in a long time. I just want to go home now. Don''t want to see anyone. Guess I will have to see *** about the truck but unless he offers, I ain''t saying a thing. He has already been generous enough and I am not comfortable asking for additional favours right now. ***** is of absolute no use either as *** has said he has cut her off for good this time, no more favours after this past weekend when she was talking trash about him. He says that he means it this time and right now I believe him. And well with ** cut my nose to spite my face so to speak so what is left? Just little old me. Wish my head would back off and my arms would stop shaking but I''ll be OK, I guess. Still missing you and hope to hear from you soon. kisses always.... 

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2005-09-19

Dear Jim,

It is now 4:14am and I think that I am going to try to go to sleep. My back is kind of aching and I am tired of feeling all hot and sweaty. Maybe if I try to lie still I will start to cool down. I went over to Tim Horton''s around midnight to grab an ice capp and it was nice and cool outside so I have no idea why it feels so hot and humid up here.

I couldn''t get a hold of *** after work. Well that is not entirely true. He was somewhere in White Oaks and didn''t know when he would be travelling north again so I just decided to take the bus home and forget about the truck. Funny how people that do not have jobs forget about those of us that do. Oh well, probably for the best as I/we can''t afford to go into any more debt right now. I took half of the Percodans that I "stole" from you and they seemed to help a little. Going to save the remaining three for just before work tomorrow. Sara stayed overnight at Katie''s which was just as well as I probably wouldn''t have been the greatest company.

Still no white paper on the front door and I checked to see if the rental sign is still up in the window of Talbot St and it is. I think that I will wait until later in the week but if the sign is still there, I will call the guy that we talked to. I plan on offering him a $150 to hold the apartment for us explaining that you are away for two weeks. I will be able to give him the remainder of the money on the 30th of this month. It''s not as if he was expecting to receive any money for September anyway so hopefully he will go for this. Fingers crossed naturally.

OK am going to try and sleep now. I am still watching Battlestar Gallactica episodes. I started season one over last night and am now on the ninth one I believe, the one when the drunken colonel''s wife returns. I love the dinner scene amongst everyone upon her return. Hahahaha. 

Kisses and love always...

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2005-09-20

Dear Jim,

It is almost quarter to eight and I am only getting to this now. Today has been crazy busy because our activation server had been down for the last six days so everyone has been calling in today to get their stupid software activated. At least I haven''t really had a chance to feel too sorry for myself! Looks as if you are missing absolutely nothing here. Again I have not been able to get ahold of *** so I am just going to hop on a bus to go home. Not really in a postion to hunt him down nor do I really feel too inclined to either. Thought about calling ****** but what''s the point. Don''t feel like dealing with her crap attitude anyway.

I shall update this more once I get home. Still no word from our current property management company which I think is rather strange but not about to investigate either. Might as well leave well enough alone right?

Ok just got another bloody call and it will probably take me until the end of my shift.

Missing you terribly,

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2005-09-21

Dear Jim,

I hope that you got my most recent emails. Everyone has been really helpful and quick to respond about what to do once you get to Mexico. It may not be impossible after all except for the part about losing your parents and sister. I hope that they are not glued to you like Crazy Glue!


It is almost midnight and I am just about to get into bed. Tired and kind of sore right now. Work was busy the entire day which was different but I don''t really have any interest in talking about it. As I said in my first email, I have been taking a 400mg Advil every four hours and then one of the LiquiGel Advils also every four hours but opposite to the other. I have also been pounding back some Vitamin 12 each time I take the Advil. Plus I took a Claritin Liberator 24 hour allergy pill too cause I noticed that they have 240mg pseudoephedrine sulfate which I was hoping would give me a wee bit of energy. I suppose the fact that I stayed awake at work meant it worked. Duh...Try a sauna and whirlpool if you have a chance. I know how much you hate saunas but maybe sweating out some of the poisons will help. The whirlpool will certainly help your aching muscles. I took two today and plan on doing the same tomorrow.


Remember those blue denim shoes that I got with the ridiculous five inch heels? Well I glued the heel that was broken and thought that it would be a good idea to wear them to work today cause they looked super nice with the pants that I was wearing. Hmmm, not one of my brighter ideas seeing how the last time I wore heels was sometime back in 1988 just prior to breaking my knee cap. I left the apartment for work, got on the elevator and the moment that I got to the lobby I sat down on the couch to switch into my sandles. Didn''t think that I would make it to the bus stop in one piece if I had kept them on although they did look pretty smashing when I was sitting at my desk.


So of course I wait until the last second to go to work and head out to take the 1:35 bus which gets downtown at 1:55. I really should have taken the prior bus just in case something went wrong which of course it did. I get on the bus and there are two other passengers already on it except that one of them was totally passed out across about five seats and the bus driver was totally stressed. He asked me if I was in a hurry and I said well, I did have to be at work by 2pm but I understood about the possible delay. He said that he had just called the ambulance and sure enough I saw and heard it almost immediately - like it had really far to travel! Suddenly right behind it two fire engines come to a screaming stop. The paramedics come on the bus through the back door and attempt to wake this sleeping beauty. When she finally comes to she practically jumps through the roof. The one paramedic starts asking her questions especially if she had been doing any "recreational" drugs today. Probably not. She must have just been really tired! Anyway they finally get her off the bus and into the ambulance so that the bus can leave. The paramedics and firefighters must have been pretty fast cause I was at work and signed onto my computer by exactly 1:59pm.


After tidying up the mess we made the other day while looking for your birth certificate, I quickly made it considerably worse by deciding to sort through all the leftover pieces of taffeta with the intent to organize. I also decided to make a few more of those purses that you gave to your sister and mother and before I knew it, I had about a dozen more made. They all look very pretty and shiny too! I didn''t really know what to do with them so I started pushig thumb tacks through the wall to hang them  on. Boy, do they end up covering quite a large portion of space but they sure look bright and colourful and will most definitely be objects of your ridicule upon your return!
  
OK my smoke is almost done so I am going to climb into bed now. It''s lonely there without you. I even miss your rocking back and forth. Hope to hear from you soon. Have a good night and try to get some sleep. Love you and  miss you. Bunches of kisses and hugs always,


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I received the following email in my mailbox this morning. Isn''t he the most?


"hi sweetie,

it would seem that this is going to be a lot tougher than i originally believed it would be .... and i don''t believe that it is to do with drugs .... merely the not being near you i am seemingly having a terrible time with. i will try to monitor this account as best as i can.
with my love, jim"

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2005-09-22

Dear Jim,

I am absolutely bored to tears. I am at work right now and it is almost 3pm. Only five more hours to go until I can go home. My hands are so sore and swollen that I can barely type. I didn''t go to work yesterday because I just didn''t feel like it. I ended up sleeping most of the day and most of last night. I even found it hard to get up this morning but I had to as I had court. I got it adjourned until October 6th cause I didn''t know what else to do. I wish that you had been here so that you could have gone with me. I felt so alone and just wanted to cry but I made it through. They also go alphabetically so I had to wait until almost one before they called my name. Then I just came to work.

****** has the truck right now because she needed to go pick up Daryll who is getting out of jail today. I just had her go pick it up from ***. She is of no use right now anyway as *** has totally cut her off and she was waiting to get more speed. I had her bring some P-O-T to Sara and she managed to grab two oxy40mgs for me but I hardly even noticed them when I did them. I probably shouldn''t have cause now I am back to day one. I had at least not done anything since Sunday. Oh well not too much I can do about it right now. I don''t know why my hands are so sore though. Typing is actually rather tough for me right now.

Tell me about the ship. Is it nice? Do you have to share a room with your sister? Are there things to do on it? Are you seasick? Is it warm? I am so glad that you actually found my blog. You should try to read some of the others that are part of junkylife because there are some really interesting people that contribute here. OK I am really,really sorry but this is all an update I can do right now. I am not exaggerating but my hands are for crap.

Love you intensely and miss you outrageously and can''t wait until you are home,

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2005-09-23

Dear Jim,

I am so excited that you are leaving comments in my journal. We could start making it our journal if you wanted to although I know that you are not terribly keen on the whole typing thing. Something to think about for the future perhaps. I am at my second computer at work today and neither one has let me load MSN Web Messenger for some reason. Keeps timing out which is unusual because normally the speed in which pages load is never an issue. I just did a speed test and my connection is 136 Kbps or download speed of 17 kB/s which sucks beyond belief. Normally our speeds our lightening fast so I don''t understand. Going to check to see if Dane is still here and ask him if they did any changes.

Yesterday in the early evening we had one of the best thunderstorms that I have seen in a really, really long time. It lasted for close to two hours also which was pretty cool. Usually the worst of it will last ten or fifteen minutes but not this bad boy. I was at work for most of it. Most of the city lost their electicity for a little bit but of course not work. Sara said that the apartment was without for about an hour but was on by the time that I got home from work.

On my way to work today, I happened to notice a poster for a show tonight at the Whippet Lounge. Guess who is playing? Come on, guess. OK...The Vapids and Johnny Terrien and the Bad Lts. Hahahaha...Thought that this was really funny for some reason. I am half toying with the idea of stopping into to the Whippet to check the show out but I probably won''t which makes me a reallly lame-o person. I mean would it really kill me to wander down there? No not really. Maybe I can convince Sara to go with me. This would be a perfect show for you and I to go to together but of course, you know that already.

My head has been pounding all day. I think that I have spoken about six words to people at work. Thank goodness the phones have been quiet. Think I may have only had about four calls so far too. Whew. I can''t smoke either as my stomach is upset. Everytime I go to light a cigarette, I get that feeling that I am going to be sick so I put it out immediately. Haven''t had one cigarette since I got to work today either.

Bad news of sorts. Mr Jamie B got picked up by le police last evening I guess. Wonder if les brothers can share a cell? Apparently there was a high speed chase that culminated in ******''s backyard of all places although the police did not go to talk to her or anyone at her house once they had arrested him. He called her on his cell phone to let her know what was going on so she said the sirens etc were no surprise when they did finally arrive. She said she didn''t open any of her doors just in case but she could hear the police telling him to get out of the car and to lie on the ground, etc, etc. I forgot to ask her what time this all occurred. Silly, silly boy. Now he is screwed. He should have just done those weekends when he had a chance cause I don''t think he''ll be released any time in the near future now.

There is more that I want to say but my hands are a tad sore and I don''t really feel like typing right now. I am going to cruise around and catch up on my fellow junkylifers for a little bit right now I think.

Still missing you outrageously. I can''t remember what started me off yesterday but I started crying for no reason at home before work cause you weren''t around. Needless to say, my sleeping is for crap. I have yet to find a comfortable position for one and fear that this is but a dream now anyway. Even the cat''s presence cannot soothe me although she is trying her best. Well, your return is now certainly getting closer. We are halfway there so that''s something. I am so glad that you are actually returning cause I don''t know what I would do if for some reason we were to actually separate - OK, so now I know that this is something that will never, ever happen unless it is over my dead body!!!!

Love you always and hope to hear from you very soon,

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2005-09-25

Dear Jim,

OK I am now over that intense interlude of me feeling oh so sorry for myself and to heck with the rest of you pitiful souls. How very selfish of me and kind of typical too, huh? Sorry, that really wasn''t very nice of me cause knowing you, you will go and worry about me when you should be focusing on yourself.

I think that I read that morphine and maybe vicodan were the painkillers most often prescribed by pharmacists in Mexico but I will double check that. I am pretty sure that you can get valium or similar type products over the counter so even if you are not brave enough to follow Katie''s advice you should probably grab some of the valium typed meds cause at the very least, they may knock you out enough to get at least a decent nights sleep.

I did an oxy the other day but nothing since. When I say that you are not missing anything here, I am so not exaggerating. Even though it does kind of suck, I am kind of glad that this is happening while you are away because it has forced me to be realistic with the situation rather than depend on you to somehow make everything all better and then getting all bent out of shape when you are unable to pull that rabbit out of the hat! Still don''t like it but you get the gist I think. *** is out although he just called to say he has those time release ones in 12mg and 24mg sizes. You know the ones that you have to grind into a really fine powder before attempting anything else with them. They are dilaudids though which still puts them ahead of those horrific oxycontins. Now, honestly, I am just feeling too damn lazy to go out although I know that I will regret this later. Hmmm...must ponder.

****** obviously does not have any either as she gets hers from *** and is just so inconvenienced to look for alternatives unless absolutely forced. Now that Jamie is in jail it will be doubly harder to get her to be arsed so thankfully this may be the beginning of the end of our dealings with her. Although I have not yet, ** is prepared to deal with me again cause I called to apologize. I was actually calling about getting a carton of cigarettes but I am apparently absolved and can call around for the other if I so choose. I definitely am getting a carton tomorrow before traffic court but must ponder the other. Do not want to screw myself financially this week. Sara did manage to score some cash from her Granny so we are flush again for a minute or two!

This time though I have been experiencing some rather strange side effects on top of your regular garden variety ones. For some reason, I have broken out in canker sores/blisters across my top lip and inside the top of my mouth. They just popped up suddenly overnight but I had been complaining to anyone that would listen of feeling kind of rundown these past few days so probably related. I just got rid of a near three day headache about two and a half hours ago and with its demise, my naseau seems to also disappeared. The upset stomach was really throwing my equilibrium off also. Friday afternoon I actually threw up a number of times - always a good time especially when it happens at work! Don''t think anyone actually noticed.    What else to say? Darryl is home and he sends his regards - says if he had gotten out sooner he would have joined you and your folks on the cruise!!! He is looking good and feeling good thanks to his two month stint of "rehab". You know Darryl, he says that is one of the reasons that he loves going in from time to time cause he loves to dry out and clean up and start anew! Funny, funny guy. Do you know who was waiting for him anxiously to get released? Sharon. Apparently she is madly in love with Darryl and I was with her the first chance she saw Darryl after his release and she was positively giddy and gushing and beside herself. The feeling seems very mutual from him as well so that is nice although just this week she found out that she was HIV positive so I am not sure how this will end up affecting them. Or ***   as didn''t he just sleep with her?

I guess that this is all I have to say for now. I will write later for sure. Going to start to do some packing. I am not yet stressed about Wednesday and don''t think that I will end up being too worked up about it. For some reason, this seems managable and I am optimistic about finding a place quickly. Just a feeling.

Still missing you but now we are past the midway mark so you have been away longer than the time you have left so it can only get better from here on in, right? Bunches of kisses and hugs and like our uncouth and uncivilized friends like to say, I will have a big smash waiting upon your return!

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2005-09-29

Dear Jim,

Sorry that I haven''t written lately. I have been feeling kind of depressed I guess and terribly unmotivated. Am so tired of going to work sick as it makes my measley six hours feel like sixty. It hasn''t helped much that wwe have been ridiculously slow this week. Yesterday I didn''t end up having a call after 5pm. There are only so many web sites that you can surf before you start to go raving mad too!

Well we are out of the apartment. Went to your parents yesterday. I brought the cat but I assumed that this was OK cause otherwise I had nothing to do with her. Poor kitty. I have all of the doors closed to most of the rooms so the cat is limited to where she can roam. She knows where her litter is and so far she has not done anything untoward. The sign was gone from the apartment on Talbot when I checked tonight on my dinner break so sad about that. I have a couple of other prospects which I will pursue tomorrow before work I guess. Tried to get tomorrow off but there would be no one to cover for me so I have to go to work. Oh well.

Can''t wait until you get home. I know that it is just a heartbeat away now but I still am impatient. Have missed you so much although Sara has been excellent company these past two weeks and has seemed to have made a concerted effort to get along with me which is a nice change. Thank goodness for small miracles. I believe that *** was actually seeing his doctor today so at least there will be a nice, big treat waiting your return. I have not seen ****** since Sunday night after I talked to you. Remember I said that she was being difficult? Well I got the truck back and parked it immediately at ***''s. Apparently she is none too keen about this although she has said nothing to me or to ***, just bitching to anyone else in her earshot I guess. Word has it that she is out of absolutely everything imaginable so she would have been of no use anyway!

OK, less than half an hour to go until my shift is done. Finally. Thought it would never end. Missing you and thinking about you and eagerly anticipating your return. All of my love now and forever,