seedless

seedless

This is a link that I really should have put up ages ago, but then I managed to get distracted for quite a bit, and am now only returning to my computer after a fairly long absence. Hopefully this will make up for my negligence! Years ago, when I first started blogging, I was fortunate enough to be able to belong to a website that was, for better or worse, a real showcase for about two dozen fairly talented writers who just happened to also be opiate addicts. During my two years writing under junkylife.com, I met some truly remarkable and brilliant individuals. While we came from all over the world and our ages ranged from teens to retirement, the one thread that we all shared was our love and dependence and continuing battle with a varying range of opiates. As a collective, we managed to bring many, many lifetimes of experiences and stories to the table. At the time, we ranged from being completely abstinent with multiple years of recovery behind us to being knee deep in extremely active addiction with no thoughts of ever stopping.

The group had individuals who were top executives in international companies earning six figure salaries and then some to those who had no idea where they would lay their head each evening to sleep. We were all there to support the others around us. No judgments, no lectures and especially, no shame. For the first time in my life, I had found a safe and secure place to share my experiences without fear of any sort of recriminations. More than anything else though, I discovered that I wasn't alone, that there were others very much like me.

At the time that I received an invitation to join this group, I was as deep as I would get with my addiction. I was using the absolute heaviest that I had ever used in my life, and was doing this while maintaining a full time office job of responsibility, etc, not to mention, maintaining the semblance of a completely normal family. By the time junkylife.com imploded though, I had found the strength to stop using and to get myself back into treatment, but know that I may not have been as successful as I have been, had they not been there for me every step of the way. To any and all that are still out there, a rather belated, but heartfelt thank you.

The above link, seedless, was one of the original members of junkylife.com. He also is an utterly amazing writer with stories that will simply mesmerize you. Words can not begin to serve him justice. I urge one and all to take some time and check out the above link as you will not be disappointed.

P.S. Hope this makes up for my utterly disgracefully slow response to your earlier request! Cheers...

A Very Empty Nest

Even though Katie hasn't officially moved out, it has now been pretty close to two weeks since she has really stayed here, and Sara officially moved into her new apartment last Saturday, so for all intents and purposes, I guess that Jim and I are now officially empty nesters! How very weird this is. We knew that this would end up happening sooner than later, especially as Katie turns twenty in less than three months, and Sara less than four. Our babies were growing up, and itching to spread their wings.

Obviously, there are a whole range of emotions that I am currently experiencing. Most are good. I am sad that my girls are really and truly adults now, ready to begin lives of their own, but this is very much tempered with the fact that I also know that they are indeed, well and truly ready to begin this part of their own life's journey. Both girls are exceptionally mature and responsible, with solid heads resting on their strong shoulders. I've got to trust that we've managed to equip themselves with the tools that the shall need to lead happy and productive lives. Mixed with this sadness and melancholy is a huge boatload of motherly love and pride and confidence!

Yes, our home has felt somewhat empty - not to mention extremely quiet - since their departure, but there is also a feeling of anticipation and excitement for what this chapter of Jim's and my life will bring to us. Kind of liberating for the first time in almost twenty one years! Obviously, all of these positive feelings couldn't be possible had we parted any other way but the way that we did. Their decisions to move out on their own came from a place of strength, and no other place. We parted in the absolute best way that one could imagine - no angry words or fights or any sort of bitterness imaginable.

It is due to this that I can look to the future with great optimism and hope. I know so many children that leave home for the wrong reasons, and I consider us extremely lucky and fortunate that this was something that I knew was unlikely to occur in our home. I love both girls so very much, and no matter what the outcome, they know that they can sleep securely each night knowing that the welcome mat will always be there should they decide to return home, no matter what their reasons.

Getting everybody organized has been the main reason keeping me away from my computer this past month and a half, plus dealing with the preliminary trial of our attackers. This, unfortunately, has not gone near as smoothly as the other, and in fact, the prelim trial has yet to conclude, and has now been held over until the last week of January, next year. Much more on this matter very soon.

Just wanted to stop by quickly to let anyone who still actually bothers following me to know that I am still healthy and happy and right on course with my recovery, and then some...

peace, love and happiness...

I Fought The Law

After seventeen months, and a couple of false starts, it looks as if we may finally be getting our day in court. In less than 12 hours, the preliminary trial of the three men that attacked us and stabbed Jim is about to begin. Obviously, I am nervous. Am not expecting to get much sleep tonight although I also have no intention of actively sabotaging myself either - tempting as this may be!

Figures that the weather just took a turn for the worse. Yikes. The temp managed to reach a high of 4C today, although with the wind, I guess that it felt more like -1C. Tomorrow morning, they're forecasting the temp to be just above zero Celsius which is too cold for this time of the season that's for sure. Right now, this near freezing weather is causing me to have a near meltdown in my attempt to pick out an appropriate court - and now weather - outfit. I suppose that if this is the worst thing that I am currently battling then I am not really in as bad a shape as I might perceivce.

Additional mood updates as my evening progresses!!!

A Few Quick Updates

Am going to try this online web word processor to update my blog. Currently it is still in beta, and my first attempt at using it failed miserably. Of course, before I hit update, I failed to copy all of the text that I had spent half an hour entering so mega frustrating...This time I shall be adequately prepared!!! If this experiment does indeed succeed, anyone that may be interested in trying out something new, then check out WriteToMyBlog - I am such a sucker and always super eager anytime something new and different gets introduced.

OK, so the past month has been on the busy side. It looks as if finally we may actually be getting ready to go to trial. i.e of the three guys that attacked us and stabbed Jim last year. We met with the Crown and Victim Services for a fairly lengthy visit last week, and both of them have certainly done their homework. We both are feeling pretty confident that they are the ones to complete this successfully for us, and to represent us fairly and competently. I mean at the best of times, its certainly a bit of a crap shoot so here's hoping. Got all of our fingers crossed. Am also as nervous as hell as the prelim hearing is now just two under two weeks away.

To top everything off, I have been slowly but surely decreasing my dose of methadone. From a high of 100, I am now at 45. I have been on my current dose now for about two weeks, and of all of the decreases, this one has most definitely been the most challenging. If I go much more than 24 to 28 hours between my doses then I actually start to feel as if I am starting to go into withdrawal - mild withdrawal, but withdrawal none the less.

We had all of our blood work done recently, and while my results were all above excellent, Jim had a bit of bad news. His hep c is currently active, and the various liver tests that they performed came back way out of the normal range so his doctor was kind of concerned. He'd like him to start interferon treatment once the upset of the trial is behind us. Apparently I've got an angel sitting on my shoulder as all of my tests show up as better than normal. Go figure. I suppose that Jim getting stabbed in his liver has done nothing to help him!

P.S. My above experiment failed miserably so I give up for now. Don't know if it is me or the web site, but thank goodness for copying and pasting or once again, I would have lost yet one more update!!!

Manic Street Preachers

Hey, did I happen to mention that in less than 48 hours, I will finally be going to a show by the Manic Street Preachers? I've literally only waited fifteen years for this to actually happen. I am so stoked!!!

Funeral March

Well, the funeral turned out to be absolutely beautiful and something Daniel would have been pleased with, if this were at all even possible. Standing room only, too. It was still somewhat weird having to return to the town of our youth especially under these circumstances.

The actual service ended up lasting just over an hour. Both of his sisters got up to speak - he was the middle child - as well as his best friend from high school and also one of his nieces - in total he was uncle to five nieces and one nephew. The minister's sermon was very fitting as she took time to address Daniel's two decade battle with mental illness and depression, as well as talking about how he ultimately died. In fact, no one that got up to speak shied away from these normally uncomfortable subjects. To be sure, his parents opened this door originally when they stated in the newspaper's announcement's section how their son actually died. This was certainly a most unusual, not to mention brave move on their part. I can't remember ever seeing something like this mentioned in any other announcement of death in a paper's personnel's section.

I certainly can understand their reasons behind doing this. Anyone attending his funeral would have already been familiar with the fact he was bi-polar and had been for decades. This eliminated having to respond to dozens and dozens of people asking how he died. I can just imagine how both of his parents would have dreaded this part of the whole service, but because of the type of people that they are, they would have answered each and every question without hesitation.

Jim and Daniel started high school twenty nine years ago, and except for a few of their class mates that just simply could not make it to the funeral, almost their entire class managed to show up. This fact alone speaks volumes and then some...Its unfortunate that Daniel never was able to recognize this fact. For most of his life, he felt irrelevant, or that he just simply couldn't measure up to the rest of us. If only he could have taken a step back and actually seen what it was we all saw and recognized in him.

He was a brilliant writer and artist, as well as an excellent student and athlete. Everything came naturally for him though he may not have quite seen it that way. He was one of the best looking guys in high school who could have had any girl that he wanted, but ended up spending his years there single. He was accepted into all of the universities he applied for, and even managed to excel while studying away in a foreign city away from his friends and family.

It was during his final year at university that he was diagnosed with  manic depression - my understanding is that this is now called bi-polar - and even with this, he still managed to graduate. For about half a decade after this, he ended up in and out of institutions, so that by the time he was in his thirties, he felt as if he had really been left behind, and never recovered from this setback.

It really is all very, very tragic. His sisters read some of his most recent writings and while they were all exceptional, they certainly spoke to his current state of  mind. He was filled with far too much  pain it would seem, and nothing on this world seemed to offer him the relief he so obviously sought.

Peace, love and  happiness...