seedless

seedless

This is a link that I really should have put up ages ago, but then I managed to get distracted for quite a bit, and am now only returning to my computer after a fairly long absence. Hopefully this will make up for my negligence! Years ago, when I first started blogging, I was fortunate enough to be able to belong to a website that was, for better or worse, a real showcase for about two dozen fairly talented writers who just happened to also be opiate addicts. During my two years writing under junkylife.com, I met some truly remarkable and brilliant individuals. While we came from all over the world and our ages ranged from teens to retirement, the one thread that we all shared was our love and dependence and continuing battle with a varying range of opiates. As a collective, we managed to bring many, many lifetimes of experiences and stories to the table. At the time, we ranged from being completely abstinent with multiple years of recovery behind us to being knee deep in extremely active addiction with no thoughts of ever stopping.

The group had individuals who were top executives in international companies earning six figure salaries and then some to those who had no idea where they would lay their head each evening to sleep. We were all there to support the others around us. No judgments, no lectures and especially, no shame. For the first time in my life, I had found a safe and secure place to share my experiences without fear of any sort of recriminations. More than anything else though, I discovered that I wasn't alone, that there were others very much like me.

At the time that I received an invitation to join this group, I was as deep as I would get with my addiction. I was using the absolute heaviest that I had ever used in my life, and was doing this while maintaining a full time office job of responsibility, etc, not to mention, maintaining the semblance of a completely normal family. By the time junkylife.com imploded though, I had found the strength to stop using and to get myself back into treatment, but know that I may not have been as successful as I have been, had they not been there for me every step of the way. To any and all that are still out there, a rather belated, but heartfelt thank you.

The above link, seedless, was one of the original members of junkylife.com. He also is an utterly amazing writer with stories that will simply mesmerize you. Words can not begin to serve him justice. I urge one and all to take some time and check out the above link as you will not be disappointed.

P.S. Hope this makes up for my utterly disgracefully slow response to your earlier request! Cheers...

The Pen Is Mightier...

I have been keeping a journal of some sort on and off since I was about 10 or 11, so about 34 or 35 years now. I kept one religiously all thru high school and university because it seemed like so much was happening with things changing so quickly, I was afraid that I would forget stuff and at that time in my life, I wanted to remember everything, good or bad. As I settled down into married life in my twenties and then motherhood in my thirties, keeping a journal was but a faint and distant memory. It was the farthest thing from my mind. At that time, there seemed to be no time left to undertake this sometimes time consuming task, plus, for better or worse, my life had seemed to have settled into something of a routine. Excitement and change seemed to be memories of the past. Not that this was necessarily a bad thing, just different.




Seven years ago this past June, my father was diagnosed with cancer and he passed away the following March. For the first time in over a decade, I picked up pen and put it back to paper. Towards the end of his life, I found myself in a long since forgotten place, but suddenly it became extremely important that I remembered everything that was happening around me these last seven or eight months of his life. Now more than any other time, I did not want to lose so much as a single memory from what was happening. I was so very afraid that I might forget something about his last days. For all of us, it was definitely a time of change.


I carried my journal with me everywhere. I filled up dozens of blank ones over this period of time, and every time I started to feel restless, I would write, and write, and write. Many days, I had a lot of time to do this. For twenty plus weeks, I spent each and every week day waiting in various rooms at the hospital for my father to complete whatever appointment he had that day. Every day he had his radiation treatment, plus there were a multitude of other types of appointments related to his cancer. To top everything else off, he was also getting chemo at the exact same time as his radiation, although the chemo finished about a month after the radiation. For just over five months, I drove him to the hospital five days a week for his treatments. Most days we would be at the hospital the entire day, but there were others where we were lucky enough to get out of there within the hour.


Regardless of the length of each visit, there was plenty of time for me to reflect and write. It was also a time for me to really get to know my dad all over again, as well as he had a chance to reacquaint himself with me. Bittersweet is an apt description I should imagine. After he passed, I continued to write as an outlet for my emotions. To this day, I carry a journal with me everywhere I go, and any time I feel the need, I write something in it. An entry can be one word to endless pages. I have found that whenever I am restless, upset, bored, impatient, irritated, you name it, the moment that I start writing I am immediately calmed. My recent journals follow no set form. They range from neat and tidy to tremendously disorganized and messy. I paste pictures in them sometimes. I doodle in them. I make sure that each one is different from the next. I haunt stores looking for unique and different books to use as journals. I have become quite creative in my quest to make each somewhat unique in its own way.


Now, I also keep an on line journal, although it is nowhere near as current or updated as my written - I am hindered somewhat by my complete inability to type as well and as fast as I would like. It was about five years ago that I was told about livejournal.com . This became my first foray into on line journaling. It seemed to take me an exceptionally long time to feel comfortable expressing myself publicly, although once I more or less got the hang of it, it became easier and easier. For the most part, I have liked using livejournal, and in fact, initially, I ended up having a number of separate accounts there. In the beginning, I mostly used them to display and store my art work. But these earlier attempts were dishonest at best, half truths at the most. They in no way reflected my actual life, although they did allow brief glimpses of it from time to time.




As I became more familiar and comfortable with this method of journaling, it became increasingly important that they start to actually reflect what was really going on in my life at that time. Initially though this caused me momentary paralysis as I certainly had no desire to lay bare those portions of my life I had spent years pretty much hiding from the general populous. My "alternate" life needed to continue being exactly that - one face for the majority and another for the precious few that were familiar with my drug use/abuse. That face was not yet ready for public consumption.


With the identity that I had been using, I found that this was going to be impossible to be completely frank and open about my lifestyle. Finally one day, I created an alternate online identity to reflect my alternate life. This is the one that I continue to use today. Over the past four and a half years there has been a blurring of my real and of my alternate world. This has become possible because my comfort level continually increases allowing me the luxury of honesty. For the most part, my mask is still there. I try to keep my name and my families and those that are important to me as anonymous as possible in an effort to ensure that their privacy is respected, as there is no certainty that they may feel as relaxed as I.


The majority of my drug use/abuse years are currently not available to read anymore online as the site that I had been using for this particular period of my life, literally disappeared overnight about two years ago. I used to be part of a group of addicts and recovering addicts that all had their personal journals at JUNKLIFE. At any given time, there were about twenty to twenty five of us sharing our stories with each other and anyone else who was interested. Sadly, it is now gone. After a number of frantic months attempting to contact the web master, I finally was able to get all of my writings from my time spent there. Until I received them, I was utterly gutted, as I had well over two hundred separate entries just from the two years I had been writing there. More importantly, I needed these writings available to me as an aid in my current recovery. I had only just started MMT when my site disappeared, so the lion's share of what was happening to me during this period reflected my very active addiction, as well as documenting how I allowed it to get so out of control. With each passing month, you could see where I was inevitably heading - the proverbial, or cliched, rock bottom.


Now, while I have all of these entries stored on my computer's hard drive, I have utterly no clue how to get them uploaded once again to the INTERNET. They were sent to me as one .sql file - whatever the heck this means cus I've so got no clue! Ideally, I'd like to add them to this site, or even if I had to, start a new site for my archived writings from my addiction period. I can go through this very large file and enter one entry at a time by copying and pasting it, and then back dating said entry with its original publishing date and time. I've manually entered a few, but it is just too time consuming, and honestly tres boring to have to do it this way. This site was actually started approx May 2007 when I first started having trouble accessing my previous site. Any writings from that point on are all original to this site, any before this time, were culled from my previous two sites, and are sadly not remotely enough to really paint the complete picture of my severe addiction years. If nothing else though, they are a start. Perhaps I'll suddenly feel energized enough to enter a few more of my old entries! LATER...

FROM THE ARCHIVES 2005 07 13

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED JULY 13, 2005

Well, I guess it is about time that I told you a bit about myself and my current evils. My weakness is and always has been anything that is part of the opiod family. Up until that first hit, I had been somewhat indifferent towards drugs but the moment that first dilaudid entered my system, I knew that it was pretty much all over for me. I had found my Achilles heal although at that time, I had no idea what a rollercoaster ride I was about to begin.

I actually never even tried drugs until I was almost twenty-one. Through high school, I was more of a drinker. My brother who is a couple of years younger than I am began experimenting at the ripe age of 12 and I watched in absolute terror what he was doing and did to his young body. I also did not want to add to the anguish that my parents endured as my brother navigated thru his teen years. I just couldn''t added to that so I kind of made a casual commitment to myself that I could wait to try plus in all honesty, it didn''t look like a whole lot of fun watching my brother puke, stagger, dripple down his clothes, pass out, you name it. I can''t remember how many times my boyfriend or myself or both rescued my brother from mess after mess after mess. Believe me nothing about his behaviour was remotely attractive and as a result I never felt as if I missed out on anything. Now in hindsight I am kind of glad that I never used anything as a teenager because my brain cells were pretty much left untouched during their crucial growth period.

For my first year of university there were no situations that I found myself in to have a chance to try anything other than liquer. Again never felt as if I was missing anything. Finally in my second year, I decided that I wasn''t going to lifeguard. Instead, I wanted to give waitressing a try because I felt I had a greater chance of making much more money while working less hours. I found a place to hire me as a cocktail server and this place just happened to be the place to go every Thursday, Friday and Saturday way back then. I made money hand over fist and I started meeting some very interesting and experienced people - both fellow staff members and customers. Lord when I think back to my second year, I was so utterly out of my depth and so very green. I started going to the parties after the bars closed and finally I was standing around with a group when someone passed a joint around. I carefully watched everyone and when it was my turn, I believe that I carried it off like a pro. Once people had seen me take some form, any form, they became much more open and inviting with me.

The next party I find myself being invited into one of the three bedrooms with a couple of other people. When I get in there, there are about a dozen lines of this white powder lined up in a row and a guy sitting behind the table. He says help yourself to us with the qualification that it will cost us $10 a line. I had never seen cocaine until that moment and to be honest, I didn''t really have any idea what it actually was and what it would do...Drum roll...Of course, I ponied up my money and waited my turn. Again I paid close attention to what the others before me did and when it was my turn, I flipped my hair over my shoulder so that it fell down my back out of the way of this precious powder. Inhale and away I went. It was the coolest. Oh my goodness, I felt amazing. I was amazing. I was no longer little shy me from no name town population 1500. I had arrived and what an arrival it was!!!

My second year at university was coming to an end and I was getting ready to spend the summer in the British Isles with my best friend. About a month before we were to leave, I got involved with one of the bouncers at work. He was a very bad boy and I found him so utterly exciting. He just oozed danger and I was ripe for the picking...

TO BE CONTINUED...MUSHROOMS, ACID AND THE RINGING IN MY EARS

FROM THE ARCHIVES

FROM THE METHADONE PRETTY ARCHIVES: MY FIRST ENTRY FROM MY OLD SITE WRITTEN 2005 07 12

I started methadone August of 1999. By then I was a solid year and a half into a pretty heavy opiate addiction. It had started with dilaudid but as soon as we were able we had moved on to heroin. We live in a funny city. While it is reasonably large with close to half a million, it is near impossible to find heroin here. Except for a time in the 1970''s - so I have been told - it is one drug that does not seem welcome. Very white collar town so there is lots of pot and cocaine. Crack has had some effect as has speed but not like those other two. Because this is also very much a university and college town, there is also lots of ecstacy and its ilk. By the time I had even given a dilaudid a try, I was about two years deep into a large coke and speed habit. Funny can''t even remember what that was like but I know that we were using every day and had been for a long time. Then along came a little yellow pill and it was as if nothing else existed. It was wonderous and it didn''t take long to develop a tolerance for it. Thank heavens we knew someone that could get us heroin. He was out of town three out of the seven days and he happened to be working in a place that was literaly drowning in it so every Thursday night right after getting off his bus, he would drop by our place with our weekly package. Sunday night we would wave him goodbye as his bus left town, our money in his pocket. This went on for over a year.

It started to get quite expensive as all habits tend to but this one also felt different. Where before, I may have been a bit of a bitch if I couldn''t get blow or speed, I could get by at least but not this time. When I was without I hurt, I felt sick, I was in servere pain. I couldn''t or wouldn''t want to go to work and I had always prided myself on never letting any of my vices interfere with work and to be honest, life in general. Suddenly I had become single minded, nothing else mattered but not feeling sick anymore. I had to have a hit no matter what. Came close to bankrupting us. Sad but at least we had a house to sell to get us out of debt. And selling this one, our favourite, meant that we still had two others left although they were nowhere near as nice and they were in a much rougher part of town but that didn''t seem to concern us so much anymore. We moved. We had to. We had someone else very important in our life now that very much needed to be accomodated. I had never lied before but suddenly I found myself doing just that. When my family doctor confronted me I couldn''t admit it at first. I was every which way of denial until I couldn''t take it anymore. This drug eventually wears you down, strips you of every vestige of dignity and self respect. I fessed up and when he started talking about getting us into a methadone program, I pretty much said yes just to humour him plus he said that as soon as we were on the list, he would be able to help us out and get us from having to buy our dope on the street at ridiculous prices.

I had never actually intended to follow thru with the methadone. The moment we were accepted our doctor wrote us each a prescription for 30 dilaudid a week. It was as if we had hit the jackpot. Between us we had 60 pills that would normally have cost us almost $20 each - quite a savings. He said that he could keep us supplied until we reached a high enough methadone dose that could sustain us on its own. I figured that we would ride this out as long as we could. Looked like it would be at least eight weeks that we could get our prescription and I figured that was long enough for us to get our finances back in order. We would in theory save a lot by not having to buy opiods for a two month period. As it was we were spending about $700/week and that was barely keeping us from getting sick so I knew that we were living on borrowed time if we continued spending at that rate. We were long overdue for a financial break.

But a funny thing happened while we going to methadone. It started working. I stopped grieving for any of the others. I went a day without a hit, then two and then a week. A week turned into a month and then two and three and we were still going. Suddenly two years had passed and I no longer did anything except for my methadone. I didn''t even drink anymore. I forgot about heroin and dilaudid and morphine - oxys had yet to make their appearance but that was only a matter of time. The methadone made me so very tired though even if it did seem to work a small miracle. I would start to nod off at the worst possible time something I rarely did while addicted to the others. I needed to stay awake. So before we knew it we were back doing speed but this time we vowed that we would keep our spending under control and we did for a long time. Speed wasn''t the same anyway now that we were on meth. Yes, you could kind of feel it but you never felt as if you were way out there. Oh well, it was still better than nothing. And we were spending about half of what we used to spend on the other.

Suddenly twenty seven months had passed. We were starting to get tired of the daily grind of having to grab our methadone. Yes, for the most part normalcy had returned to our lives. We fell into our own little routine. Gone were the hours upon hours dedicated to finding that one hit that would take away the pain. I could go back to work full time, we both could. Methadone gave our life structure once again. My credit card debts were now paid off. We had sold the other two houses and purchased a three story apartment building. Our self confidence and esteem had returned. We didn''t want or need methadone any more. It was time to say goodbye. I had two weeks vacation at Christmas 2001 but a week before my vacation started I got a terrible flu. I was down to about 20mg of methadone a day. I felt so sick that I just didn''t feel like grabbing my methadone one day and the next and the day after that. I just stopped going and when my flu ended, any withdrawal that I may have been going thru had also ended. It was hard to tell one from the other so I kept telling myself that there was no withdrawal just crappy flu symptoms.

Fast forward three and a half years. I am once again severly dependent on that little yellow pill. Well now it is the little white pill. No more #4s for us, we now need #8s. We are back spending ridiculous amounts of money and are consumed by abject fear whenever we find that we have run out or that none of our dealers is holding. It is no longer pleasant. But what of the intervening three years you ask? Well that is obviously a story for another day...TO BE CONTINUED

Don't Know What To Do...

Well, it looks as if I was wrong all along about getting my old writings back from my previous site. I did actually have them returned to me which has made me outrageously happy. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to bits to have them back all safe and sound. There is just one tiny, tiny problem. The type of file that was emailed to me is one that I am not remotely familiar with, so I have no idea now what to do with this file!

I somehow was able to view the file through one of the programs that I've got installed on my computer that I use as a substitute to Windows Explorer but after confirming that all of my writing was there, I've no idea how tro proceed. If anyone is able to help, please let me know. The type of file extension that I got is .sql

Thanks to anyone that is able to give me a hand.

Too Good To Be True I Guess

Well I haven't heard from the Web Master of junkylife.com now since 3/17/2008 1:52 PM when he emailed me the following:

Still have it all – just give me a few days to get it set back up from the backup and moved over.

So I guess that I am not going to get back all of my previous writings to put up at my newly created archived site. Kind of had a feeling that this was just a little too good to be true. What a huge disappointment. Guess I shall try one more time. Sent another email just in case.

Let The Sun Shine!!!

---

Just last week, I got an email from the administrator of the junkylife.com set of sites, a place where I had a site for almost exactly two years. I started to blog there in July 2005 and for almost two years, I had no difficulties whatsoever with the site. Suddenly at the end of May or very beginning of June 2007, I could no longer access anything to do with my site. At this point, I had well over 200 entries not to mention all the custom work that I had done on the site itself. Suddenly without any warning, everything seemed to be lost. Up until last week, I had pretty much given up any hope on ever retrieving any of my writings but there just might be a small glimmer of hope for me after all. He is shutting down the site in the very near future but just emailed me to say that he should be able to retrieve all of my past entries. This is magnificent. I don't want to get my hopes up too, too much but if this bit of news is accurate then I'll be getting back all of my writings from when I was seriously using, prior to starting treatment this time. I very much want to be reminded of how bad it had all gotten and relying solely on one's memory, especially a junky's memory, is not the smartest way to go about it.

Journals

I have been keeping a journal of some sort on and off since I was about 11, so about 32 years now. I kept one religiously all thru high school and university because it seemed like so much was happening and things were changing so quickly that I was afraid that I would forget stuff and I wanted to remember everything, good or bad. As I settled down into married life in my twenties and then motherhood in my thirties, keeping a journal was the farthest thing from my mind. There just didn't seem to be the time and if seemed as if life had settled into somewhat of a routine. Excitement and change seemed to be a thing of the past. Not that this was necessarily a bad thing, just different.

Five years ago this past June, my father was diagnosed with cancer and he passed away the following March. Towards the end of his life, I picked up pen and put it back to paper in a large part to work thru my emotions while my father was dying and because I was afraid that I might forget something about his last days. Also my writing became a relief in many ways for my mother who was afraid that she would forget some minute detail of my father's final days. It suddenly became extremely important to her that I was able to recite in great detail everything that might have occurred on a specific day or over a specific time period. My journal became her security blanket in many ways. It was definitely a time of change for all of us.

After he passed, I continued to write as an outlet for my emotions. I carry my journal with me everywhere and any time I feel the need, I write something in it. An entry can range anywhere from one word to endless pages. I have found that whenever I am restless, upset, bored, impatient, irritated, you name it, the moment that I start writing I am immediately calmed. Needless to say, my recent journals follow no set form. They range from neat and tidy to tremendously disorganized and messy. I paste pictures in them sometimes. I doodle in them. I make sure that each one is different from the next. I haunt stores looking for unique and different books to use as journals. I have made them all my very own by decorating them in some special way covering many of them in scraps of expensive taffeta and similar fabrics.

About three and a half years ago I was told about livejournal.com. This was my first foray into online journaling. It took me a long time to feel comfortable expressing myself publically, but once I got the hang of it, it became easier and easier. I have liked using livejournal and in fact now have a number of accounts there. Mostly I use them to display and store my art work or to join one of their many communities that have interested me in the past. At first I really liked having my journals there and especially liked the whole "community" mentality but after a bit of time there, I started to want or need something different. I started looking for alternate places where I might be able to share my alternate life, something I had yet to be honest with at livejournal.com.

I also wanted my journal to actually reflect what was really going on in my life but because of my "alternate" life I found that this was near impossible using the identity I had been using, well mine. One day I created an alternate online identity to reflect my alternate life. No one would know that it was me. Hence sickgirl was born, a name that I got from bastardizing a Social Distortion song Sickboy plus the whole addict world of dope sickness.

I've now frequented various places on the net as sickgirl now since about the fall of 2004 so I guess its been about three years now. I'm still not completely honest with the world as for all intents and purposes I'm blogging anonymously but then I guess lots of us are doing just that too. While it would be ideal to be able to be completely forthcoming, I know that this would be impossible because there are other people than myself involved in this endeavour and it wouldn't be fair to them.

New Home

Well I guess that this is it, my new home. Goodbye to junkylife.com. That's really too bad. I had spent quite a bit of time really making that site my own. Lots of hours went into creating my own graphics as well as all that time wasted now, stumbling through learning css, html, php, etc, etc. Never mind the time I'll never get back. This I can get over and move on. The near two hundred posts made there over two years are now gone like the wind. I'll never be able to recover or remember them and it is this that may take a bit of time to get over.

These past two years there had a pretty detailed account of my addiction at its absolute worst as it was occurring. Of course I can remember particular events of the past couple of years but these entries allowed me to transport myself back in time with absolute accuracy. Also there was my story of getting back on MMT and how I was doing with it and how I was feeling about the whole recovery thing and what a success its turning out to be for me and mine.

I also thought that my archives could one day possibly help someone else struggling with similar issues. There was a lot of detail and hopefully some inspiration there too, plus I had spent a good chunk of my time putting together a massive amount of links related to addiction and recovery and the whole darn thing.

Who knows, maybe it was my time to move on from junkylife.com and start a new chapter somewhere else. Perhaps this is nothing more than fate doing what its exactly supposed to be doing. I don't really know. I know this whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth especially the way I had to find out and all. If it truly was my time to move on, I wanted to be the one to make this decision not have it arbitrarily made for me.

OK AM BEING INTERRUPTED BY MY HUSBAND AND WILL FINISH THIS ALL UP LATER.

OK, back now, although for how long, I am not too sure, as everyone seems to want me to be doing anything else but be on the computer. Anyway, I suspect that my time had probably arrived where I actually should have been thinking about packing it in over at junkylife.com. I haven't been an active junky now for a year and a half and while I know that this is something that will forever be with me, it no longer was the primary focus of my existence and being.

Again, all that I really wanted in the end was to be the master of my own fate as much as this is realistically possible. I was also gutted that I wasn't given some sort of heads up so that I could have been prepared for my discovery. Not to know what is actually happening with my site at all is what galls me the most. I suppose I expected more and I still do to be honest. I'm doubly distressed by the total lack of response from the other end.

I find it all very confusing and disconcerting. It's not only not responding to any of my emails that troubles me but I've left a couple of comments at his blog plus filled out and submitted the contact form at junkylife.com twice. Again nothing. Someone suggested that perhaps my site was inadvertently lost and he is afraid of having to deliver this bad news. Until this was said to me this never even crossed my mind. It certainly makes a lot of sense and I could see something like this happening.

Doesn't make this any better but...I suspect that junkylife.com may also be on its last legs as parts of the site that should be accessible are no longer. Hopefully this will be only short term. I did have another journal at livejournal.com for close to a year before I started writing over at jl and for a few months after I joined, I continued to post identical entries at both sites. Yesterday I started the task of copying and backdating these entries so when I am finished this site will appear to have been around for a few years. Is this cheating? Don't think so.

Well, I Guess That is That

Well, it looks like two years of my life have been wiped out in an instant with nary a thought od me and how I might feel about the whole thing. Grrr...

It has now been a month since I've been able to access my previous site, the site where I have spent the past two years updating, meeting and healing. It appears that it is no more and it appears that I've got no say in this matter either. How utterly devestating if the truth be told. I never thought that it would actually come to this but I've obviously been sadly mistaken. You know that this site had almost two hundred entries which was a lot of work, not to mention all of the work that I had put into making the site graphically appealing. Hours of my time that I'll never recover.Obviously it's more than just the hours of time but this is the easiest item to point toward because its somewhat tangible where everything else is not. junkylife.com had become a real safe haven for me. I also managed to meet a lot of wonderful people through this site. I realize that I hadn't been updating as frequently as I had been these past six to eight months but never the less, I was still updating at the very least bi-monthly - way more than some of the sites that still remain. Double Grrrrr...

I had good reasons also - my broken wrist combined with returning to work full time and to a job that was brand new to me. I also managed to move in this time also, so realistically I didn't have a whole bunch of time available. But that shouldn't even be the point. There were other sites that updated less frequently than I and certainly no where near as often, and yet, they are still standing. One site that wasn't removed hasn't bothered to do an update since February!!!!

I'm also mad and frustrated because all of my recent emails have been returned to me. I've even left a couple of comments at his site and even filled out one of the contact forms at the main site but nothing of mine has been answered. This is the most frustrating aspect of it all. A small acknowledgement would end up going a huge way with me but no, nothing at all. Obviously there are a few other things equally frustrating but there's nothing I can do about them by the look of things.

When I initially signed up for a site two years ago, I was promised that should I leave for any reason that my entire site would be saved and sent to me. I was also told that my site would not be archived unless it had been inactive for three months or more and even still, people would still be able to access my archives for at least an additional six months, and that, of course, my site would be sent to me. I also was under the belief that I would first be given the chance to update before my site was archived. Obviously I've been under quite a few misunderstandings.

No, wait, I don't think so. I think that someone that isn't me has neglected his obligations entirely and now is attempting to ignore any and all of my pleas, perhaps in the hope that I will meakly and quietly go away. Not going to happen. I am moving from feelings of despair and sadness to full blown anger that will be hard pressed to be satisfied successfully. I mean, come on, you couldn't even take the time to send me a head's up email that my site was going to have to disappear? Instead, I have to find out all on my own. That's pretty low if you ask me not to mention cowardly but whatever...

Now I Am Mad

Pretty much my title says it all. My site is still not back up and running nor have I received the site emailed to me as the original Terms of Service promised when I decided to place my site at its location. Any of my recent emails to the webmaster have also been returned to me as undeliverable so now I am also concerned as well as mad.

My most recent email stated the following - it was a response to my initial question of what had happened to my site and his response of removing some inactive sites that may have been causing the server problems:

"Not sure which of my emails you've recently received because I've had a few undeliverable so if this a duplicate then my apologies.

Please reinstate my web site ASAP. Admittedly I had only been updating once a month lately because of circumstances but I still had been updating way more frequently and recently than some. The highlighted ones below all have entries that are older than my most recent one. As I can't access any of my material, I don't remember the exact date of my last update but I know that it has definitely been within the past month. I certainly do not consider this an inactive site especially as you had previously advised us you wouldn't archive sites until at least three.

Kel July
Seedless July
blake March
Bonkers May
Beautiful Disaster July
Paint it Black June
Kitten July
Naomi April
Ogre June
Peregoric Kid July
Junkyard saint July
History of Madness Feb
Saturine July
Hacker May
b1ll1 April
sweetdreams July

If you are unable to put it back up then could you at least send the site to me? I have to admit that this has really upset me especially as you didn't notify me beforehand and I hadn't any idea what was even going on. Just checked it a few miinutes ago and it is still down.

Thanks... "

What's a girl to do???

Oh Where, Oh Where Has It Gone

I know that it's been an eternity since I posted here but so much has happened in the last little while that I haven't been able to dedicate as much time to the computer in general plus I also have another site that I use as my primary one - or at least I thought so. I'm actually kind of mad right now because without so much as a warning, my site was removed. I wasn't even given a heads up email before this was done.

One day about two and a half weeks ago, I tried to go to it to do an update and I received an error message stating:

The requested URL /sickgirl/ was not found on this server.
Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.

WTF?

At first, I thought that the whole server was down so I didn't think too much about it but when I tried a couple of days after that and then a few more after that well, I started to kind of panic - two years of my life were invested in this site and I didn't have even the tiniest bit of it backed up. I darn near cried.

I emailed the individual that looks after the site but no response so I emailed him again at another one of his email accounts and finally after six days he responded by stating that he had removed all of the inactive sites but that he could put mine back up. Inactive. WTF? Mine had been updated less than a month prior while there were at least more than half of the ones that he kept hadn't even updated in three months or more. Man, the more I think of this, the uglier I get.

I've requested that it be reinstated and also if that can't be done, then to send me my site. He said to give him a day and that was today that I received his email so we shall see what happens tomorrow.