Thursday, December 10, 2015
MMT
Monday, October 24, 2011
Altered States
- A Mom's Serious Blunder
- A Mother's Heart
- A mother's heart...broken by heroin
- Addiction Stink's Blog
- An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom
- Awakening Through Love
- Dawn's Early Light
- Enabling Love
- Heart Speak
- Heather's Mom
- Helplessly Hoping
- Her Big Sad
- Her Mother's Blog
- Leaving Addiction Behind
- letgohangon
- Living Life with an Addict
- Mom trying to Detach With Love
- Mom vs Heroin
- Mom's Painful Awakening
- Mother of a Beautiful Addict boy
- mother of a drug addict
- My Daughter's Addiction
- My son is an addict
- One Mom Talking
- OXY & OPIATE ADDICTION
- Parent 2 Parent
- Parental Hades
- Patiently Waiting
- Recovery Happens
- Stay Close
- The Addict In My House
- The Delicate BALANCE
- THERE IS NO HERO IN HEROIN
- Works Aside
- Writing From the Inside Out
Monday, September 20, 2010
clean
In less than a flash of an eye, I find myself rapidly approaching the five year mark since I started MMT - Methadone Maintenance Treatment. When I initially started I had no idea nor intention of being on it anywhere near as long as I find myself today. My original goal had been to get to an adequate enough dose so that I felt comfortably stabilized. For any laymen out there reading this, this is the magical dose/amount of methadone that an addict requires so that all of those unpleasant feelings of withdrawal disappear, as well as any and all cravings to use opiates manage to vanish. This dose will be different for every single addict. This is not where one size fits all will even begin to succeed. Obviously, there are all sorts of factors that ultimately end up determining what final dose a recovering opiate addict will end up needing in order to be successful.
How many years of active addiction? How much? How often? How old? How healthy? How tall? How heavy? How many other drugs involved? How much drink? I could continue...but the combination and permutations are literally endless. For me personally, I required a dose of 90mg of methadone daily before I really and truly felt stabilized. There were lower doses that took away my cravings. There were even lower doses that eliminated those unpleasant side effects of withdrawal. Lower doses even still that flooded those pesky opiate receptors in my mind so that even attempting to continue to use opiates had no noticeable effect whatsoever. There was adequate methadone in my system that I was no longer capable of even getting a bit of a high from using that to try to continue was utterly and completely pointless, not to mention, a complete waste of money.
All fine and well indeed, but at any dose lower than the 90mg, there were more days than not where I couldn't escape the feeling that something just wasn't quite right. Was I restless? Was I ill? Was I manic? Was I apathetic? What? I never really could pinpoint exactly what wasn't quite right with me, until it was no longer there. Even then, it took me a couple of days before I seemed to notice that something was different, something had changed. The methadone was working. Unless I was consciously thinking about my addiction and recovery, I had seemingly started to forgot about heroin and dilaudid and morphine. No longer did they rudely force their way into my every waking thought.It was near nirvana.
A number of factors kept me at this fairly high dose of methadone longer than I would have liked. Fear of failure was the big one obviously. Security blanket of methadone still a way better option than the alternative that's for sure!!! Getting hit by a moped a year and a half into treatment and breaking my arm severely certainly didn't help either. Even after two major reconstructive arm surgeries and four attempts at resetting my arm's bones, I only used my methadone dose to manage my pain. For a brief time, my dose did increase to 105mg daily but the doctor allowed me to divide this dose in two so that it was more effective in relieving my pain so the higher dose was very much required. The whole time I didn't take anything stronger than two 200mg ibprophens when it hurt - not even a Tylenol 3, thank you very much. You know what? I managed to somehow survive this ordeal opiate free. Who knew?
Just when I thought it was safe to...Jim and I get attacked and he gets stabbed more times than I care to count, and again, our timing sucks a bit! With all of this added stress, it just didn't seem like a good time to try to start tapering down our methadone dose - yet, anyway. But, this was now over two years ago, and both of us are well on our way to recovering from this violent and savage attack on our lives and sensibilities. Still getting treated for PTSD, and probably will continue for some time yet.
Now, about six months ago though, I started to notice or feel kind of out of sorts. That restless of old seemed to be rearing its ugly head once again. This time it was different. It wasn't a restlessness born out of any desire to use again. No, not at all. I felt like I was starting to experience diminishing returns from my MMT, or at the very least, my current dose. So, I decided I would try reducing my dose by 5mg to a dose of 85mg daily. After a few weeks, I reduced this dose again by another 5mg. And so on and so on and...today I am at a current dose of 30mg, and in all honesty, I feel no better nor worse for wear than I did when I was at 90mg. In fact, I feel pretty darn good.
No overwhelming cravings or uncomfortable feelings of withdrawal currently, nor have I experienced either one through this entire tapering down process. Now, that I am starting to feel truly confident I can succeed once my security blanket disappears once and for all, I am actively working towards reducing my dose to zero so that I will no longer be receiving MMT. That's not to suggest that I'm now going to blindly reduce my dose recklessly with no thoughts of potential consequences. Perish the thought. I do, however, now have a goal and a date by which I'd like to reach this goal.
No later than early spring of 2011 is now my ZERO methadone goal! I think that I will be able to comfortably reach this goal, and who knows, I may even be able to beat it!!! It's now time. In the next year and a half, Jim and I have family obligations that will not be remotely conducive to MMT. For one, we've got to go to the Philippines - his Mother's birthplace - for at least six to eight weeks with both his folks and sister and her soon to be husband. No choice either as his folks will be picking up this entire bill so that we'll all be able to celebrate in style and together their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Won't hear any complaints from me either, as this will no doubt be a trip of my lifetime!
peace, love and happiness...
Friday, September 03, 2010
Can You Accept the Truth? AND Living Life With an Addict
My newsest discoveries can be read at Can You Accept the Truth? and Living Life With an Addict.
peace, love and happiness
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
The Oxycontin Express
The Oxycontin Express
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Addict Children
OK, fascinating I'm sure that you're all thinking, but, really, SO WHAT? See, even though I have always had a perfectly decent computer that I didn't even have to share with anybody at all, I practically never went near it. While there was nothing remotely wrong with it, I utterly loathed where it ended up being located in the apt. Jim set it up in our bedroom right next to his. Now, we didn't have the same kinds of space limitations that the girls always seemed to face, but there were other things that prevented me from truly enjoying using my computer when it was in our bedroom. Hmmm, when I pause to reflect on all of this, I suppose in hindsight, we probably should have invested in at the least, one laptop!
From the start, I much preferred using the computer in the living room. Unfortunately, the only time that I would end up using it was when neither one of the girls was at home. It certainly wouldn't have been very reasonable of me to demand time on theirs when I had a perfectly good one sitting unused in my bedroom! Another reason that I tended not to use it was the moment I sat down at it, time no longer seemed to matter. Seemed to take no effort for five minutes to turn into five hours! Even if my bedroom door remained completely open the entire time, just being located there tended to promote a feeling of being isolated and as such, not being readily available to either one of them. This was not at all what was actually occuring, but, as a newly recovering addict I became hyper aware of ensuring that my behaviour at any time did not suggest possible relapse. Of course, there were times when I had no choice. Certainly, the last time I got hit with the flu, the very last thing I wanted to do was leave my comfy bed for anything. Not to mention, I was the farthest away from feeling sociable at any level.
So, while either one of my girls were at home, I tended to drift between the kitchen, dining room and living room. If they didn't feel like hanging around anywhere that I happened to be, then all that they had to was go off into their bedroom or leave the apartment. Now that they're all grow'd up and living on their own, I don't have to worry if I feel like staying in my room all day! I can do whatever I want! Sound kind of like I'm the one who no longer has to worry about following their parent's house rules and not the other way around! Well, I'm certainly not going to lie when I confess that since its now only Jim and I, there is absolutely no doubt as to how liberated I've felt this past month!
I also had Jim liberate my computer from our bedroom, and had him set it up where Sara's computer used to be. So, to make an already long story even longer...what I had been trying to do was let one and all know that because of our changed circumstances, I expect to be updating on a more regular not to mention more frequent basis.
-----------
Now, its time to get to something just a tad more serious, as well as extremely important. There is something that I have been meaning to address for a very long time now, but haven't gotten around to doing it. My very bad!!! Over the past year or so, I've been noticing that there has been a pretty dramatic increase in the number of blogs out there written by parents of addict children. Their collective cries for help, relief, support and recovery of their beloved is truly devastating. Even though I, personally, am myself a recovering addict, I have no knowledge of being on the other side of addiction such as they all are. That's not to say that I am incapable of empathizing with them, its simply that I've not had to view it in the same way that they do. So, while I am not necessarily proud of this fact, I am certainly able to relate to the many stories they share of their children's misadventures. I hope to never be in any one of their shoes either, and am pretty sure that it is by the grace of God that both of my girls have managed not to succumb to the many temptations that these illegal substances seem to offer. I hope with every fiber of my body that this never, ever changes also!
Their children are also oh so very, very young to have to go through some of the things that they do. This aspect of their addiction, though, is extremely difficult for me to relate to as I had actually never even tried drugs at their age. While I had done some experimentation while at university, I never really did it with any sort of regularity until I was about a year or so into my first real job after graduation. Once I found out I was pregnant, I stopped immediately and never resumed until Sara was about eight or nine. It then took five to six years after this for my previously recreational use to turn into full blown, hard core addiction. Shockingly, I was able to keep this from practically everyone. My own mother never knew I even had a problem until I had been in Methadone Maintenance Treatment - MMT - for over eighteen months. Jim's parents found out even later - this tidbit ended up being revealed to them while he was still in the hospital after the stabbing! We never even had a call, a visit or anything to do with Children's Aid either in regards to Sara's upbringing. For all intents and purposes our addiction was invisible.
Now of course, most of the above needs to be taken with a grain of salt as they say! Addicts are consummate liars who also have a massive capacity to rationalize any sort of potentially unethical or illegal behaviour, and I am sure that I was no better, even though through these years, I had pretty much convinced myself that this didn't apply to me. This particular topic, though, is too complex to go into much more detail right now, but I will tackle this subject in the very near future.
But back to the parents...their ever increasing numbers gives one pause for concern as I suspect that the blogs that are currently out there are barely a tip of the iceberg. Where we see one, I'm guessing there are ten more. Tragic, indeed. Below are some of the ones that I follow regularly. As my links are not as current on this computer as they had been on Sara's, I know that there are a few excellent ones that I have overlooked - I apologize in advance for this oversight. By no means is it at all intentional. If you have a similar type of blog that is not in this list, please feel free to let me know so that I can update my links section. I encourage anyone that has taken the time to read this entry to also make sure that they take the time to visit the blogs that are listed below.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
seedless
The group had individuals who were top executives in international companies earning six figure salaries and then some to those who had no idea where they would lay their head each evening to sleep. We were all there to support the others around us. No judgments, no lectures and especially, no shame. For the first time in my life, I had found a safe and secure place to share my experiences without fear of any sort of recriminations. More than anything else though, I discovered that I wasn't alone, that there were others very much like me.
At the time that I received an invitation to join this group, I was as deep as I would get with my addiction. I was using the absolute heaviest that I had ever used in my life, and was doing this while maintaining a full time office job of responsibility, etc, not to mention, maintaining the semblance of a completely normal family. By the time junkylife.com imploded though, I had found the strength to stop using and to get myself back into treatment, but know that I may not have been as successful as I have been, had they not been there for me every step of the way. To any and all that are still out there, a rather belated, but heartfelt thank you.
The above link, seedless, was one of the original members of junkylife.com. He also is an utterly amazing writer with stories that will simply mesmerize you. Words can not begin to serve him justice. I urge one and all to take some time and check out the above link as you will not be disappointed.
P.S. Hope this makes up for my utterly disgracefully slow response to your earlier request! Cheers...
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Methadone Pretty Indeed!
The following is a reaction to a debate - somewhat heated to be sure - that I recently got into with someone who once had been one of my dearest friends. Finally after a decade and a half of a pretty hardcore opiate addiction, he decided to go on methadone and has been on it just shy of two months. Already, he is spouting the rhetoric that I hear so very often from the majority of methadone patients at the clinic that I attend, and once again, I found myself frustrated. If some of what I am about to say doesn't make complete sense, I apologize in advance as I was on a bit of a tear when I typed most of this!
I know that Methadone Maintenance Therapy and its success/benefits can certainly be a hotly debated topic on any given day within the opiate addict community. I certainly can understand why it is something that can get both the for and against sides worked up into quite the lather. There are many times when I wish that there was at least another solution to MMT rather than cold turkey and abstinence available to me, but unfortunately, in southwestern Ontario, Canada this is pretty much all that I've got right now.
Quite often, the meth program in my city can be a very negative experience. The few doctors that are part of it often stress only the negative - the high recidivism rate if you were to actually complete the program or the likelihood that you would spend your entire life in treatment. There can be little to no counciling, plus often they push and push you until you are on an almost unmanageable high dose often prescribing amounts way above what was your true blocking dose. Then they discourage you when you want to start to taper down and decrease your dose. I refused to go any higher than 95mg once I felt that I had stabilized and am now currently on a dose of 60 that I find is more than adequate.. My husband stopped increasing his at 145mg and is currently on a dose of 90. A lot of the other patients were encouraged to go on doses that were at least double our amounts. No wonder they all felt like crap most of the time, not to mention feeling rather defeated.
Never mind all of the talk of methadone's side effects. This alone can defeat you before you're even given a chance to get started. How is it possible to imagine a life in recovery, if you're never given the required encouragement to attempt to even get there? I think that a lot of methadone''s side effects are in reality urban legends. Now after spending three and a half years on it - round two for me also, as I spent almost the same amount of time on it a decade ago - I found many of the supposed possible side effects or reactions never materialized unless you literally "willed" them upon yourself. I found that those that bought into and blindly believed and accepted all the garbage that our doctors were feeding us actually developed exactly what they were told they would develop. Self-fulfilling prophecy really.
For many this became their license to not have to work or even look for work and justified their desire to eat any sweet thing that passed remotely within their line of vision and pound on those extra 70 pounds. Suddenly they felt completely justified in needing a previously unprescribed prescription for Ritalin to keep them going. While many of the people that I met while I was in treatment fell firmly into this category there were some that could just not settle into the program and found meth treatment to be an unfulfilled painful step of their recovery process. For these unfortunate few there were real and valid issues with methadone.
Yes, you definitely feel more exhausted and it is hard to focus at times. Suddenly you feel as if you have developed ADD. No doubt years of opiate abuse combined with meth's assault on our bodies throws our metabolism right out of whack and we all seem to pacify this with an increase in our daily sugar intake. Obviously a weight gain will soon follow. But is this weight gain solely from the meth or are we no longer running ourselves into the ground constantly searching for our next hit? Once the hunt is removed we immediately become more sedentary. Combined with the fact that each and every penny is no longer being spent on illegal substances we find that for the first time in a long time we actually have a well stocked fridge and a full cupboard. We can finally get rid of that jumbo jar of peanut butter and $.99 package of plain crackers.
With this kind of philosophy from the clinic it was no wonder that the majority of the patients felt as if they had traded one losing card for another. Had there been a little bit more positive feedback from the doctors I think that they would have seen entirely different results. I talked to so many that were also suffering from constant low level depression while in treatment. Because I felt that I was being prescribed my true stabilizing dose, once there, all cravings for opiates disappeared. Honestly
Friday, May 08, 2009
HOOKED!

Monday, October 06, 2008
I WANT A NEW DRUG
I ask that you bear with me a moment or two until I am able to get my bearings, as I am literally still spinning from yet another attack against Methadone Maintenance Treatment from someone who doesn't have a bloody clue what it even is or entails! Grant me patience, now. First of all, I live in southwestern Ontario, Canada, and because of this location, I, as well as any other opiate addict also residing here, have very limited options available as far as recovery from this insidious addiction goes. Suboxone and its ilk is currently not available for prescription in this country. I will confess that it is more than possible that I may not be completely accurate with this declaration, but the last time I asked my doctor at the clinic about availability, I was told, not yet. Perhaps there are test studies being performed even as I speak, and sooner, rather than later, opiate addicts will actually be able to choose their poison!
Short of going cold turkey, to be properly detoxed and rehabbed from opiates, MMT seems to be an addicts only viable option if one hopes for a successful recovery. I absolutely am convinced that this treatment can and is, highly effective in keeping the addict away from abusing opiates. I know that there is the school of thought that maintains the addict is merely exchanging one addiction for another, but I find this argument simply too simplistic and terribly narrow. MMT does far more than exchange one of the same for more of the same, and I know that anyone reading my journal is well enough informed with what I am alluding to here that it isn't necessary for me to regurgitate all of this once again.
Even to my own ears and eyes, some of what I am about to say sounds like a huge series of rationalizations and this may very well be true - after all, one must never forget that rationalization may be the addicts only real true friend and if not friend, most certainly companion! When I first started MMT in the fall of 1999, I was in pretty rough shape.
We had been doing heroin and some pills for a solid two years, and pretty much had been dedicating all of of extra money and time towards our addiction. Pretty much from the first time that I tried it, I was hooked. I certainly had found what I thought was my nirvana. It was wondrous and it didn't take long to develop a tolerance for it. Thank heavens we knew someone that could get us heroin. He was out of town three out of the seven days and he happened to be working in a place that was literally drowning in it so every Thursday night right after getting off his bus, he would drop by our place with our weekly package. Sunday night we would wave him goodbye as his bus left town, our money in his pocket. This went on for over a year.
It started to get quite expensive as all habits tend to but this one also felt different. Where before, I may have been a bit of a bitch if I couldn't get blow or speed, I could get by at least but not this time. When I was without I hurt, I felt sick, I was in severe pain. I couldn't or wouldn't want to go to work and I had always prided myself on never letting any of my vices interfere with work and to be honest, life in general. Suddenly I had become single minded, nothing else mattered but not feeling sick anymore. I had to have a hit no matter what. Came close to bankrupting us. Sad but at least we had a house to sell to get us out of debt. And selling this one, our favorite, meant that we still had two others left although they were nowhere near as nice and they were in a much rougher part of town but that didn't seem to concern us so much anymore. We moved. We had to. We had someone else very important in our life now that very much needed to be accommodated. I had never lied before but suddenly I found myself doing just that. When my family doctor confronted me I couldn't admit it at first. I was every which way of denial until I couldn't take it anymore. This drug eventually wears you down, strips you of every vestige of dignity and self respect. I fessed up and when he started talking about getting us into a methadone program, I pretty much said yes just to humor him plus he said that as soon as we were on the list, he would be able to help us out and get us from having to buy our dope on the street at ridiculous prices.
I had never actually intended to follow thru with the methadone. The moment we were accepted our doctor wrote us each a prescription for 30 dilaudid a week. It was as if we had hit the jackpot. Between us we had 60 pills that would normally have cost us almost $20 each - quite a savings. He said that he could keep us supplied until we reached a high enough methadone dose that could sustain us on its own. I figured that we would ride this out as long as we could. Looked like it would be at least eight weeks that we could get our prescription and I figured that was long enough for us to get our finances back in order. We would in theory save a lot by not having to buy opioids for a two month period. As it was we were spending about $700/week and that was barely keeping us from getting sick so I knew that we were living on borrowed time if we continued spending at that rate. We were long overdue for a financial break.
But a funny thing happened while we going to methadone. It started working. I stopped grieving for any of the others. I went a day without a hit, then two and then a week. A week turned into a month and then two and three and we were still going. Suddenly two years had passed and I no longer did anything except for my methadone. I didn't even drink anymore. I forgot about heroin and dilaudid and morphine - oxys had yet to make their appearance but that was only a matter of time. The methadone made me so very tired though even if it did seem to work a small miracle. I would start to nod off at the worst possible time something I rarely did while addicted to the others. I needed to stay awake. So slowly, we both started to taper down our dose and as we did this, the constant state of tiredness also started to seem to decrease.
Suddenly twenty seven months had passed. We were starting to get tired of the daily grind of having to grab our methadone. Yes, for the most part normalcy had returned to our lives. We fell into our own little routine. Gone were the hours upon hours dedicated to finding that one hit that would take away the pain. I could go back to work full time, we both could. Methadone gave our life structure once again. My credit card debts were now paid off. We had sold the other two houses and purchased a three story apartment building. Our self confidence and esteem had returned. We didn't want or need methadone any more. It was time to say goodbye. I had two weeks vacation at Christmas 2001 but a week before my vacation started I got a terrible flu. I was down to about 20mg of methadone a day. I felt so sick that I just didn't feel like grabbing my methadone one day and the next and the day after that. I just stopped going and when my flu ended, any withdrawal that I may have been going thru had also ended. It was hard to tell one from the other so I kept telling myself that there was no withdrawal just crappy flu symptoms.
Both of our tapers turned out to be successes. By the time that we had stopped taking methadone on a regular basis, our bodies had repaired themselves as best that they could. After two and a half years, we were also able to beat the mental cravings as our bodies had essentially trained themselves. So, now both the physical and mental cravings seemed to have been put to rest. I knew that when I woke up each morning that the first thing in my mind would not have anything to do with opiates and so it continued for a number of years after we had finished with methadone.
I wish that I could say that we returned to abusing opiates because of some body and mind crushing craving and longing, but that is so not true whatsoever. It was actually nothing at all, something so utterly innocuous in the end. Boredom and availability.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
FROM THE ARCHIVES
FROM THE METHADONE PRETTY ARCHIVES: MY FIRST ENTRY FROM MY OLD SITE WRITTEN 2005 07 12
I started methadone August of 1999. By then I was a solid year and a half into a pretty heavy opiate addiction. It had started with dilaudid but as soon as we were able we had moved on to heroin. We live in a funny city. While it is reasonably large with close to half a million, it is near impossible to find heroin here. Except for a time in the 1970''s - so I have been told - it is one drug that does not seem welcome. Very white collar town so there is lots of pot and cocaine. Crack has had some effect as has speed but not like those other two. Because this is also very much a university and college town, there is also lots of ecstacy and its ilk. By the time I had even given a dilaudid a try, I was about two years deep into a large coke and speed habit. Funny can''t even remember what that was like but I know that we were using every day and had been for a long time. Then along came a little yellow pill and it was as if nothing else existed. It was wonderous and it didn''t take long to develop a tolerance for it. Thank heavens we knew someone that could get us heroin. He was out of town three out of the seven days and he happened to be working in a place that was literaly drowning in it so every Thursday night right after getting off his bus, he would drop by our place with our weekly package. Sunday night we would wave him goodbye as his bus left town, our money in his pocket. This went on for over a year.
It started to get quite expensive as all habits tend to but this one also felt different. Where before, I may have been a bit of a bitch if I couldn''t get blow or speed, I could get by at least but not this time. When I was without I hurt, I felt sick, I was in servere pain. I couldn''t or wouldn''t want to go to work and I had always prided myself on never letting any of my vices interfere with work and to be honest, life in general. Suddenly I had become single minded, nothing else mattered but not feeling sick anymore. I had to have a hit no matter what. Came close to bankrupting us. Sad but at least we had a house to sell to get us out of debt. And selling this one, our favourite, meant that we still had two others left although they were nowhere near as nice and they were in a much rougher part of town but that didn''t seem to concern us so much anymore. We moved. We had to. We had someone else very important in our life now that very much needed to be accomodated. I had never lied before but suddenly I found myself doing just that. When my family doctor confronted me I couldn''t admit it at first. I was every which way of denial until I couldn''t take it anymore. This drug eventually wears you down, strips you of every vestige of dignity and self respect. I fessed up and when he started talking about getting us into a methadone program, I pretty much said yes just to humour him plus he said that as soon as we were on the list, he would be able to help us out and get us from having to buy our dope on the street at ridiculous prices.
I had never actually intended to follow thru with the methadone. The moment we were accepted our doctor wrote us each a prescription for 30 dilaudid a week. It was as if we had hit the jackpot. Between us we had 60 pills that would normally have cost us almost $20 each - quite a savings. He said that he could keep us supplied until we reached a high enough methadone dose that could sustain us on its own. I figured that we would ride this out as long as we could. Looked like it would be at least eight weeks that we could get our prescription and I figured that was long enough for us to get our finances back in order. We would in theory save a lot by not having to buy opiods for a two month period. As it was we were spending about $700/week and that was barely keeping us from getting sick so I knew that we were living on borrowed time if we continued spending at that rate. We were long overdue for a financial break.
But a funny thing happened while we going to methadone. It started working. I stopped grieving for any of the others. I went a day without a hit, then two and then a week. A week turned into a month and then two and three and we were still going. Suddenly two years had passed and I no longer did anything except for my methadone. I didn''t even drink anymore. I forgot about heroin and dilaudid and morphine - oxys had yet to make their appearance but that was only a matter of time. The methadone made me so very tired though even if it did seem to work a small miracle. I would start to nod off at the worst possible time something I rarely did while addicted to the others. I needed to stay awake. So before we knew it we were back doing speed but this time we vowed that we would keep our spending under control and we did for a long time. Speed wasn''t the same anyway now that we were on meth. Yes, you could kind of feel it but you never felt as if you were way out there. Oh well, it was still better than nothing. And we were spending about half of what we used to spend on the other.
Suddenly twenty seven months had passed. We were starting to get tired of the daily grind of having to grab our methadone. Yes, for the most part normalcy had returned to our lives. We fell into our own little routine. Gone were the hours upon hours dedicated to finding that one hit that would take away the pain. I could go back to work full time, we both could. Methadone gave our life structure once again. My credit card debts were now paid off. We had sold the other two houses and purchased a three story apartment building. Our self confidence and esteem had returned. We didn''t want or need methadone any more. It was time to say goodbye. I had two weeks vacation at Christmas 2001 but a week before my vacation started I got a terrible flu. I was down to about 20mg of methadone a day. I felt so sick that I just didn''t feel like grabbing my methadone one day and the next and the day after that. I just stopped going and when my flu ended, any withdrawal that I may have been going thru had also ended. It was hard to tell one from the other so I kept telling myself that there was no withdrawal just crappy flu symptoms.
Fast forward three and a half years. I am once again severly dependent on that little yellow pill. Well now it is the little white pill. No more #4s for us, we now need #8s. We are back spending ridiculous amounts of money and are consumed by abject fear whenever we find that we have run out or that none of our dealers is holding. It is no longer pleasant. But what of the intervening three years you ask? Well that is obviously a story for another day...TO BE CONTINUED
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Opiods
Compiled some info on all of the the opiates - hopefully. Thought that someone may find this useful. If I've overlooked something, please let me know and I will add it to my list of substances.
Drug: HEROIN (Diacetylmorphine)
Description: A semi-synthetic opiate, diacetylmorphine is produced by boiling morphine base in acetic anhydride and purifying the resulting heroin base with hydrochloric acid. (Mexican "black tar" derives from a shortcut process, with lots of vegetable matter remaining in the final product.) First synthesized by a British chemist in 1874, and first marketed by Bayer Co. in 1898 as a cough remedy, the name derives from "heroisch," German for "powerful." Prohibited by the U.S. government in 1924, this is the ultimate Bad Boy drug. Roughly three times more potent than morphine, heroin is favored by drug users because it readily by-passes the blood-brain barrier�making for a warm rush upon injection�though it promptly reconverts to morphine in the body.
Drug: OPIUM (Papaver Somniferum)
Description: The source of God�s Own Medicine, opium has been in use since prehistoric times. Can be grown almost everywhere on the planet, though Southeast Asia,Southwest Asia, Colombia and Mexico are the source for most of the world�s illicit opiate production. The poppy�s latex gum contains from 3-25% morphine content, plus smaller amounts of codeine and a wealth of other alkaloids. Pantopon is a pharmaceutical preparation of injectable opium. Otherwise, the gum can be eaten, or once boiled and strained into a tarry paste called "chandu" can be smoked. Gum opium is only rarely encountered in the U.S. street market.
Drug: MORPHINE (Duramorph, Oramorph, MS-Contin, Roxanol)
Description: First isolated by Friedrich Serturner in early 1800s, and still a staple analgesic in hospitals, morphine is the Mother Molecule. Once the staple of injecting addicts, morphine was driven off of the street market after passage of the 1914 Harrison Narcotic Act by heroin, which was more potent and more readily adulterated. Morphine sulfate is currently available in a wide variety of trademarked prescription preparations: Duramorph, Oramorph, MS-Contin, Roxanol, etc. Most of these preparations are best taken orally, as directed. When injected into a vein, morphine produces a decidedly unpleasant pins-and-needles rush.
Drug: CODEINE (Methylmorphine)
Description: First isolated in 1832, codeine occurs naturally in opium gum, though in smaller amounts than morphine. Most of the codeine on the market is thus produced by chemically converting morphine. The body, ironically, then converts the codeine back into morphine�though inefficiently. Codeine is thus only one-tenth as potent as morphine. Available in a wide number of pharmaceutical preparations for coughs and mild pain�most notably as Tylenol 3, containing 30 mgs. of codeine�this is the most easily acquired of pharmaceutical opiates. It is only moderately euphoric, however, and is thus considered to have a low potential for creating addiction and tolerance.
Drug: DILAUDID (Hydromorphone)
Description: Patented in 1953, hydromorphone is a semisynthetic variant of morphine that is roughly as powerful as heroin. In fact, it is often referred to as "drugstore heroin." Available as Dilaudid in 2, 4 and 8 mg. tablets, this powerful opiate is widely available on the streets; favored by many addict users because it is chemically pure. A super-concentrated injectable solution, Dilaudid-HP, is rarely found outside of hospitals. Typically the tablets are prepared in a "cold shake": place a tablet in the barrel of the syringe, replace the plunger, pull in some water and shake until dissolved. Other users simply crush and cook the tablets, like any other dope. This stuff is very addictive and very expensive because tolerance typically builds up very rapidly.
Drug: HYDROCODONE (Vicodin, Lortab, Lorcet, Hycodan)
Description: Patented by Merck in 1925, hydrocodone is a semisynthetic codeine derivative that is four times more potent than its parent alkaloid but only a third as powerful as morphine. Typically prescribed for relief of coughs or mild-to-moderate pain, hydrocodone produces much more euphoria than does an equivalent dose of codeine, and has thus generated a considerable black market and legions of devotees/addicts. The pains of withdrawal also fall somewhere between those of codeine and morphine in severity, but�as always�the real hook is psychological and there is a considerable "Vicodin Underground" out there amongst middle-class druggies with friendly doctors.
Drug: OXYCODONE (Percocet, Percodan, Roxicet, Oxycontin, Tylox, Oxyfast)
Description: First isolated in 1916, oxycodone is derived from the opium alkaloid thebaine, which is itself not a pleasure drug. Though typically available only in oral preparations, oxycodone is as potent as morphine and extremely euphoric. This is the drug that Beat writer William Burroughs was slamming during his Tangier years (in a German-made injectable formulation called Eukodal). Though Burroughs described this as the "best junk kick ever," he also found that the onset of tolerance was swift and that withdrawal from oxycodone was as harsh as that from morphine. If you have a high-tolerance heroin habit, oral oxycodone is not likely to do much for you. Taking large numbers of Percocets can also prove dangerous because the high dose of acetaminophen (325 mgs. per pill, compared to only 5 mgs. of oxydone) is very hard on the liver. On the other hand, Oxycontin, has no NSAID filler, and can be crushed and cooked and injected, if you are of a mind to do so.
Drug: MEPERIDINE (Demerol, Pethidine)
Description: Patented in 1930, Demerol was the first purely synthetic opioid drug ever to be marketed. Early hopes that it would prove to be non-addictive were quickly dashed. Though only one-tenth as potent as morphine, meperidine is highly euphoric and is favored by users who have access to it (i.e., doctors and nurses) because it does not cause those tell-tale pinpoint pupils. In high doses�which can reached quite quickly because tolerance sets in promptly�meperidine can cause seizures and a variety of temporary neurological disorders. On the other hand, withdrawal is more short-lived and less severe than from heroin or morphine.
Drug: METHADONE(Dolophine tablets, Methadone Hcl diskettes and solution)
Description: Developed by German pharmacologists in 1943, when access to opium was cut off during World War II, Dolophine was not named after Adolf Hitler. (That name derives from "dolor" for pain, and the Nazis called the stuff Amidone, anyway.) Roughly equipotent with morphine, methadone boasts better than four times the staying power and is highly active in an oral dose. Thus its use in official treatments of opiate addiction; addicts can be dosed but once a day with a liquid solution that cannot be easily diverted. This is also one of the most highly regulated drugs in America, which often makes methadone maintenance in clinics a bureaucratic nightmare for addicts seeking a change from the street scene. By federal law, any methadone detox lasting longer than 21 days is considered methadone maintenance. Many states mandate dosage ceilings, resulting in the under-medication of clients. Bear in mind that methadone "blockades" the effects of heroin simply by establishing and maintaining a tolerance to opiates. If so inclined, low-dose patients can readily "shoot through" the blockade, though this can be expensive and dangerous. Warning: Though slow and easy at the beginning, cold-turkey methadone withdrawal is extremely protracted and very unpleasant.
Drug: BUPERNORPHINE (Bupernex, Subutex, Suboxone)
Description: Derived from the opium alkaloid thebaine, bupernorphine is roughly thirty times more powerful than morphine and longer lasting, to boot. It is, however, a mixed agonist-antagonist, meaning that it bonds with some of the body�s opiate receptors, but unseats opiate molecules from other receptors. And that means that this drug can cause withdrawal symptoms if administered to a high-tolerance addict. On the other hand, bupernorphine is reputed to be quite euphoric and withdrawal from the drug is comparatively easy. (This is the chief drug of abuse by street addicts in India.) The FDA approved a bupernorphine formulation for maintenance treatment of opiate addiction (Suboxone): A sublingual tablet will contain a dose of the pure-antagonist drug, naloxone. If a patient goes against orders and cooks the bupernorphine pill down for injection, the Naloxone, inactive sublingually, would throw him or her into violent withdrawal upon being shot up. Very effective for detoxing off stronger opiate habits.
Drug: LAAM (Levomethadyl acetate hydrocholide)
Description: This is the "super-methadone" increasingly showing up as an option at clinics since being approved by the FDA in 1993 for the maintinance treatment of opiate addiction. LAAM�s supposed advantage over methadone is that it last three times as long and thus can be administered only three times a week. (This is because LAAM breaks down slowly in the body into extremely long-acting metabolites.) On the other hand, federal regulations currently prohibit take-home dosing of LAAM, so clients using this drug cannot hope for fewer than three clinic visits weekly. Withdrawal is reputed to be an endless nightmare, so LAAM patients are thus rehabituated to methadone and withdrawn from that drug. Many patients reporting feeling that LAAM "holds" them less well than methadone, though LAAM advocates contend that sufficiently high doses of the drug must be maintained for effective treatment.
Drug: PROPOXYPHENE (Darvon, Darvocet, Dolene)
Description: Patented by Lilly in 1955, propoxyphene is a cogener of methadone, though far less potent. Found in many medicine cabinets in the form of those red-and-grey Darvon capsules, Darvon is actually less potent (and euphoric in action) than codeine. It is, however, a very potent respiratory depressant, meaning that high dose abuse quite often leads to overdose. Intravenous injection is quite rough on the veins, and thus this practice is generally self-limiting. Mild withdrawal symptoms have occured after protracted use (800 mgs. or so over the course of two months). Has been used to moderate heroin withdrawal symptoms, but is not generally considered particularly effective in this role.
Drug: PENTAZOCINE (Talwin, Fortalgesic)
Description: Patented in 1962, pentazocine belongs to the benzomorphan group of mixed agonist-antagonist opiate drugs. That means that it bonds to some opiate receptors but can unseat some already-consumed opiates binding to other receptors. Roughly one-third as powerful as morphine, pentazocine, is also of shorter duration. On the other hand, withdrawal symptoms are comparatively mild. At one time, Talwin was widely used on the street, particularly in combination with an antihystamine (an injected formulation nicknamed "Ts and Blues"). Talwin tablets have a high talc content, however, which causes talc deposits and lesions in the lungs when injected. Moreover, Winthrop has taken to formulating Talwin with naloxone, a pure opiate antagonist, which causes abrupt withdrawal symptoms when injected. Consequently, Talwin has pretty much fallen off the street drug map.
Drug: BUTORPHANOL (Stadol)
Description: A cogener of the opiate alkaloid morphinan, butorphanol came into clinical use in the U.S. about 20 years ago. A mixed agonist-antagonist, this drug will not cause withdrawal symptoms in addicts with relatively low-tolerance habits, but caution is urged as use of agonist-antagonist drugs can precipitate dope sickness. Traditionally available solely in injectable solution, Stadol is also marketed (prescription only) in a nasal inhaler for relief of migraine pain. As such, it has reportedly led to no few cases of habituation and addiction. Withdrawal symptoms are comparatively mild and the drug�s action, generally, is very similar to that of pentazocine (Talwin).
Drug: DEXTROMETHORPHAN (Romilar, Robitussin)
Description: An isomer of the codeine analog of levorphanol, a semisynthetic mixed agonist-antagonist opiate, dextromethorphan (DXM) is neither analgesic nor addictive. For that reason, it is widely available in over-the-counter cough remedies. Although it is not a pleasure drug in the same way as its fellow opiates, DXM is often used by drug experimenters to achieve a bizarre dissociative state not unlike that caused by PCP. Like many others, I personally found its effects to be extremely unpleasant, though DXM does have its fans.
Drug: NALOXONE (Narcan)
Description: Patented in 1966, naloxone is a pure opiate antagonist, meaning that it rapidly unseats opiate molecules binding to the body�s opiate receptors. Injection of naloxone (and it is ineffective by any other route) will rapidly reverse a potentially fatal heroin overdose. This is a very potent drug: 1 mg. of naloxone delivered intramuscularly will completely block the effects of 24 mg. of heroin. This effect will only last for 1-4 hours, however, and so the antagonist must be periodically readministered if the patient is overdosing on a longer last opiate (such as heroin or methadone). Besides restoring respiration, unfortunately, naloxone will also precipitate abrupt withdrawal symptoms in the habituated addict. This is a very unpleasant experience, but it beats dying. Although a prescription drug, naloxone is not scheduled. There is a movement afoot to make Narcan available to using addicts in case of overdose emergencies. I have seen it available at Chicago outreach centers (needle exchange), but I still say call 911 for naloxone when a friend is ODing.
Drug: NALTREXONE (Trexan, ReVia)
Description: A much longer lasting pure opiate antagonist than naloxone, naltrexone also has the clinical advantage of being active orally. It is thus commonly prescribed to post-withdrawal opiate addicts in early recovery: though not remotely euphoric, this drug will block the effects of opiate agonists, such as heroin. Though not completely: It is possible to "shoot through" the naltrexone blockade, though at the danger of causing respiratory arrest if high doses of both drugs are present concurrently. Naltrexone is also now being administered in "depot" doses, placed under the skin (implants), to achieve a long-lasting opiate blockade that does not depend upon the addict taking his naltrexone pill every day. Remarketed as ReVia, naltrexone is also being used in the treatment of alcoholism, on grounds that it diminishes the euphoria alcoholics experience from drinking.
Drug: FENTANYL (Sublimaze)
Description: Developed in the early 1960s, this synthetic opioid is related to meperidine, though more powerful by orders of magnitude. Eighty times more potent than morphine, fentanyl is effective in microgram doses, though its effect is generally quite short-lived by comparison with other opiates. Available medically in injection form, transcutaneous patches, fentanyl lollypops, and lozenge form (Fentanyl Oralet) is used as anesthetic premedication in the OR or to induce conscious sedation prior to a diagnostic or therapeutic procedure in monitored hospital settings. This powerful opioid is the drug most commonly abused by medical addicts (doctors and nurses). Fentanyl cogeners manufactured by street chemists (most typically alpha-methyl-fentanyl) occasionally turn up on the corner marketed as "China White." (Not to be confused with the original China White #4 heroin) because it so potent, errors in cutting street fentanyl can lead to local epidemics of overdose.