Fool Me Once...

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005 07 20

One of the problems of being an addict - one of the very many - is how vulnerable you can become when you are dope sick - that is, in the middle of withdrawal from opiates where your body starts attacking you in a multitude of horrible ways. Under any other circumstance, your thought and decision making process would act so very differently than it does during withdrawal. Being dope sick muddies and clouds your mind no matter how hard you try to overcome this. Things and circumstances that would normally shout out to you to go the other way or scream at you to ignore or whisper to you that if it looks to good to be true then...suddenly disappear from our arsenal of tools we use to get by in the world.

No matter how many times I berate myself over what just happened or scream at the top of my lungs or throw pillows til there are none to throw, nothing can change how much of an idiot I feel like for allowing myself to get taken advantage of by a near complete stranger for no other reason other than how much I've allowed myself to become because of how sick my addiction has made me. As loathsome as this addiction is, there is nothing worse than that feeling of desperation one often feels because of it all.

It was near dawn and I had spent most of the night in a restless sleep. Just before bed, I had made the mistake of recooking some old spoons because we were completely out of everything and wouldn't be able to change this situation until late the next morning at the earliest as we had to wait until approx 4am for Jim's pay to be direct deposited into our bank account. Usually you can manage to get just enough from the old spoons to help with the worst of withdrawal's side effects for a few hours and when you're feeling as bad as this any little bit of relief is more than welcome. I somehow managed to contaminate this shot and as a result within 45 mins I had managed to give myself cotton fever. 

Cotton fever can often feel worse than withdrawal from opiates though it lasts a relatively short time in comparison. Imagine the hottest and most humid day on record except you're not able to take advantage as your body feels like it has been immersed into a deep freeze it is that cold. More often than naught, there will be a bit of a fever but even if there isn't you won't be able to control your body from shivering nor from dripping sweat. Your head feels as if it has grown to be ten times its normal size with a headache to match and if this wasn't enough every single muscle and bone and in fact fiber in your body feels as if it is under attack. These are just a few of the most common side effects of cotton fever but I've found the few times I've gotten it that these are more than enough on their own!

This particular evening my cotton fever thankfully lasted just a bit more than two hours in total so I was greatly relieved. Problem is, it tends to leave your body in a much weakened state once it does disappear and the only way to get rid of it entirely is to sleep the remains of it off. I remember looking at the clock just before 1am and nothing else after this until Jim woke me up around quarter past five in the morning. Now, this time when I woke up I could feel no more side effects of the cotton fever though I definitely felt well and truly dope sick. Now as any junky will tell you, once an addict has managed to fall asleep, the last thing you should do is wake them up unless you've got a bloody amazing reason to do this!

I'd fallen asleep on the sofa and woke fairly quickly after hearing Jim's voice. He was not alone. He quickly explained that he had met this guy at the variety store where he had gone to grab smokes and money from the ATM a few minutes ago. Apparently this guy had lost his keys and was locked out of his apartment until 8 or 9am which was still a few hours away so Jim had invited him to wait at our apartment like the good Samaritan he is. This guy was barely in the door before he was bragging how much he could help me right now with whatever it was that I needed. Nothing at all was a problem and whatever it was that I wanted or needed would be here in no more than twenty minutes.

Right away, I should have been suspicious but any rational thought had quickly been lost to how dreadful my body was currently feeling. Every pore was screaming out for relief of any kind that I eagerly listened to his sales pitch. He certainly knew the various pain pills and their corresponding doses so was able to walk the talk with little effort. Once he had let me know what he could get, I told him what I wanted. I expected that I would give him the appropriate funds before him and Jim left to collect our order.

Now before they left him and Jim continued to carry on a conversation that they'd obviously started earlier though it didn't take me too long to follow along. This guy obviously did blow or crack and it didn't seem to matter how many times Jim attempted to tell him this was not something that we were interested in doing, he didn't seem to care. He kept saying the doing a hit would take the edge of my sickness etc until the pills showed up and wouldn't this be better. Well, yes, obviously this would take the edge off but normally it would never be one of my first, second or even third choices...

Surprise, surprise though. He had to go out to get this crack or blow as he didn't have it on him though he did make sure that he left us with the very distinct impression that he was only grabbing this crack at the same time he'd be grabbing those pills for me cause this guy he was going to see was some sort of one stop shopping kind of drug guy and two birds, one stone etc. Famous last words.

So off Jim and our new friend go jumping into a cab that I had just called for them. Honestly, they're gone no time at all, probably all of a half an hour. When they walk inside the apartment, I can tell by the look on Jim's face that I won't be happy. They're returning with no pills but $135 worth of crack that we have paid for though this guy is holding on to like its his and his alone. Colour me very confused. When I asked him about the pills, he dismissed me with a wave of his hands even after I persisted. I was quickly becoming pretty bitchy and argumentative and was fast losing my patience.

Sarcastically, I asked whether our money paid for this crack and the cab fares. Jim said that it was all of our money and none of his. He started to get self righteous with me saying that I was the one who had said that a hit or two would definitely help by taking the edge off of my dope sickness so why was I so bloody upset.  I also tried to remind him that we had also told him that we were not looking for crack or cocaine and had had no intention of actively going after this and that the only reason we gave him any money at all was that we were supposed to be getting pills at the same time he was getting this. He was very possessive of this bloody crack and no amount of me attempting to explain why I found this whole situation offensive seemed to have any affect. He kept insisting that as soon as I did a few hits I would feel better and that he would be on his way shortly to grab those pills  he had promised. As I could see the direction this was taking, I decided that there was little that we could do except ensure that we got our moneys worth out of this crack we had just paid for.

Shockingly once it was all gone, he was ready to book also and I guess I could not really blame him either. Just as suddenly, he could not find anyone that might have the pills that we needed. Excuse after excuse after excuse followed. I demanded money for the crack that he had smoked but had been bought with our dime as well as money back for the cost of the cabs but nothing. I was not prepared to back down. He said that there was one place he could go to grab pills and of course, he would be using his money to pay for them. Another cabbed called and another crack of dawn trip made with  the guys returning in short order. When they return he hands me a bunch of pills wrapped up in some clear plastic wrap. Once opened I see that they are all garbage and of absolute no use to us. It is as if someone had gone into their medicine cabinet and grabbed whatever over the counter meds were lying around in there.

When I tell him that I don't want them he says that he has to return them to his guy exactly as he got them in order to get the money back. What money, or more appropriately whose money,  did he need to get back? Of course, we had to spend an additional $60 plus the cost of the cab fares for all of this. When I demanded that he pay me the money that he owes us he starts to get all indignant and self righteous like he is the wronged party. I tell him to get out of my apartment and to stop saying that you're going to pay for this or that or whatever else cause I no longer cared. I called him a liar as well as a long list of other colourful not to mention pejorative names. He kept saying more of the same sort of crap that he'd bee spouting for the past hour now, but I did my best to ignore it. He said that I was lucky that he didn't trash my place for the names I was calling but he wouldn't do this as he wasn't going to disrespect me - whatever this means. He challenged me to call the police to charge him with stealing $200 from us as well. finally, he left.

Right now I am angry, upset and frustrated for a number of reasons though mostly I am mad at myself for not putting a stop to this whole fiasco before it even had a chance to start. The writing had been clearly on the wall but I choose to ignore it on the off chance that this one time this guy was actually on the level and could be trusted. When you are dope sick you want to  believe so very badly that this person will actually turn out to be better than advertised and is not simply taking advantage of a situation that has practically been handed to them on a silver platter. 

Junkylife Archives

For the next little while, I am going to post some older entries of mine from a previous blog I had which had been hosted at a domain which, sadly, no longer exists. From July 2005 until approx May 2007, I maintained an online journal titled Why Do Anything When You Can Forget Everything? at www.junkylife.com. Before the domain was kind of unceremoniously shut down, I had managed to post just over 200 entries. While I did manage to get a copy of all of these posts, I haven't been able to figure out how to upload them and add them as part of this blog so from time to time I have entered one of my old posts. I'd like to be able to somehow incorporate these posts with this journal because they cover a part of my past that was particularly dark  and personally frightening which is something that I never want to be cavalier about nor ever forget.  This blog also witnessed my transition out of this near hopeless place as I finally decided to try to get myself help for my opiate addiction. I was able to chronical right from the start my experience with Methadone Maintenance Treatment - MMT - (my first dose was at the end of January 2006).

Tuesday, Tuesday

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2006-01-31 

Well I am halfway through my day at work and I have to admit for the first time in a really long time I actually feel OK. Yesterday was my first dose of methadone and as luck would have it, I also ended up being moved to permanent days on the exact same day. Suddenly with little to no warning I will be working permanent full time days for the first time since March 1996. Combined with starting to go to the klinic on a regular basis, I am pleasantly surprised that I am not as stressed as I thought that I should be today!

I finally got my 20mg dose of methadone yesterday around 5pm. It had been a rather long, painful day waiting for it but within an hour of taking it, I definitely felt its effects. I had increased energy and the aches and pains in my legs slowly subsided. I also got some rather good news during my intake interview. My doctor said that there must be an angel sitting on my shoulder because my body does not appear to show any of the normal signs of such an abusive lifestyle. All of my bloodwork as well as my EKG came back with excellent results. Who''da thunk that I was actually healthy? So much for being a hypochondriac! Obviously I am thrilled to bits with this news cause it will just end up making me more determined to follow the MMT program to the letter. If I have managed to get to near 42 without any real serious health issues, I would like to kind of keep it this way.

I did a pill around 10pm last night and one around 2am but for the most part, I didn''t experience the normal aggitation that I should have been knowing that I didn''t really have a supply. I also knew that I would be waking up unusually early for me. Not only was I getting up early but I was going to have to be instantly mobile to go to work. Normally this would flood me with fear but as the klinic opens at 7am on Tuesdays, I decided that the best thing to do would be to dose just prior to work. It has now been four and a half hours and I am happy to report that I am feeling relaxed and not experiencing any normal sickness. If I can maintain this until 4pm, I will be thrilled. Yes, I plan on copping at that time but I think I am still making fantastic progress all things considered.

Once I have reached a stabilized dose I plan on taking my methadone at the same time every day. I am just slightly freaked out right now because of my whole move to having to be in the office during normal business hours something that I have managed to avoid for nearly a decade! All in all though I am feeling positive for the first time in a really long time! Yeah for me!    

Monday, Monday

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2006-01-30

Trying very hard to get through the next two hours of work.  I went to my methadone intake this morning and I get my first dose at 4pm today. Got to love that it is split over the day but I suppose better than waiting until tomorrow. Normally that is the routine but just lucky the way things worked out with me. I am fiending right now because I don''t have anything and I am not usually at work when I am quite this lucid. My dealer got picked up with all of his pills last night although he will be able to pick them up from the police station as soon as he finds his receipt as he is actually prescribed them. Sucks cause he got picked up before he got to my place so I think the rest of you can pretty much fill in the blanks. Grrr. There is someone else that I deal with but she is currently bailing her boyfriend out of jail so I am so stuck here at work with not an option in sight. Three o''clock can not arrive soon enough. My legs are starting to cramp and I am about to get whiney but what''s a girl to do?

I start at 20 - is it mg or ml? - of methadone and increase in units of five twice per week until I have reach a stabilized dose. I think that the last time I was on it I went as high as 90 which seemed to do the trick for me cause I wasn''t using or even thinking of using. So I guess in six or seven weeks I should be drug free except for the methadone if all goes according to plan. The doctor seems quite nice. He gave me this tomb of a book to read on recovery. I think it is like a door prize. I get to keep it just for coming out. Well if this day continues as slow as it is then I may be forced to educate myself!   

And Then...

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005-10-06

Well I am at work so I guess that this is something positive. Feel like crap even though I just did a pill. Spent the last of my money until next week on it so am feeling somewhat bittersweet about no longer feeling sick. Always leaves a bit of an aftertaste in my mouth when I use the last of our funds on straightening me out. I was able to reason the expense though in that as we have no real income until my next payday which is still eight days away, that $20 was really not going to benefit us to any great extent. Not as if we could exist for over a week on a $20 budget so figured I might as well be broke a few hours earlier than I was going to be anyway. Pffft...Whatever.

I guess it didn''t help that we had to hand over $1320 for first and last month''s rent on Monday. Obviously had we not have had that expense then things would have been entirely different. I was trying to encourage Jim to go ask for an advance on his pay today but I doubt very much that he will do it. He didn''t seem to be giving me any positive feedback so no hopes up I guess. I could cross my fingers and hope for a miracle but that too would only end up being fruitless. I guess though that I am in a decent enough mood. It is still ridiculously hot and humid in southwestern Ontario, kind of unusual for this time of year. Probably a good thing as I have no idea where my warmer clothes are. Packed most definitely. I did manage to get all of our clothes out so it is just a matter of opening the correct garbage bag!!!

Love Letters

FROM THE JUNKYLIFE ARCHIVES | 2005 09

A number of years ago, Jim had to go to California and Mexico without me and, unfortunately , he had to do this three week trip without any sort of chemical help so to speak. This was significant because at this time we were pretty deep into our addiction, easily at our worst.  As  he couldn't take the chance of trying to bring anything illegal with him through customs, he was pretty much forced to go cold turkey pretty right from the start of his not at all brief trip. While he was away, instead of my normal entries on my blog, I composed letters to him so he could read them while  he was away. The following is what I first wrote in my journal to explain what I was about to do as well as some of my correspondence to him:
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2005-09-17

For the next two weeks, I am going to do something a little different with my journal. My boyfriend, partner, husband, whatever label you want to put on it is away in San Francisco and Mexico. This is by far the longest time that Jim and I have ever been separated since we became a "couple". Until about a half an hour before he actually left, I didn''t realize how much I was going to, actually am, miss him. The last two days have been a bit of a haze for me. You don''t realize how dependent you have become on someone I guess until they are no longer there even just for the short term. I know that he is coming back but that still hasn''t made it any easier. I have said before how lucky I am to have found someone like Jim and this is now more apparent than ever. I feel bad for all of the times that I have taken him for granted or been mean unneccesarily to him or just plain ignored him because he was being "irritating". I am glad that he is coming back, that it is only a vacation for him, because I vow that upon his return, I will have a whole new outlook towards us and toward him. He has this address so I hope that he is able to access a computer over the next two weeks. He should be able to as I checked the Princess Cruise brochure and apparently they do have internet cafes on board.

First a little background on his "vacation". His parents fortieth wedding anniversary was yesterday I believe and they thought that this would be the perfect time to get him and his sister and themselves to celebrate it by going on a near three week vacation. Only them though, neither of their children''s significant others so that is why I have been left behind. Now this is the last thing that Jim wanted to do, be trapped for eighteen days with his parents and sister with nothing to relieve the associated stress. He has gone on this trip with no more than a dozen and a half Percodan and by now withdrawal sickness of no parallel with no help in sight. No one else knows about his dependency on the pills plus he would not get any sympathy even if they did, more likely an intervention. So here he is three thousand miles from home having to go through withdrawal but without letting his family know. And the Oscar this year goes to...

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2005-09-18

Dear Jim,

Well it has been two days now since you left, almost forty eight hours exactly. Sorry about being so emotional. I was even caught by surprise. You''ll think I am silly even now as I find my eyes tearing up as I type this but then you''ve always known how emotional I get. Remember the first time I watched Phenomena or  As Good as it Gets? I''ve been rewatching Battlestar Gallactica with Sara over the last day and a half and have been crying at some of the episodes! I have managed to get her to watch about three of them so far and she actually admitted to quite liking the show!

After you left, I went up to the dollar store to buy ribbon cause I had a brilliant idea creatively. I have made six more of those little purses that you brought for your Mom and sister! Sara called from Sara #2''s house so I went to pick them both up to bring them back to our apartment. They were both grieving for the P-O-T of course and didn''t find any until 11pm that night. Made them take the bus to meet their friend as I wasn''t taking a chance driving the truck at night even though they only had to go to Wonderland and Commissioners.

I got a call from *** around 8pm and he wanted to borrow the truck to pick up some tile for Steve or something and I said that he could but that as it was dark, I wasn''t comfortable driving it over. He said that he had a driver and would be right over. Right...Up until about 3am, he called about every hour to say that he was a couple minutes away, there in half an hour, blah, blah, blah. I think that I finally fell asleep shortly after 3am but he did end up calling around 11am Sunday morning. I brought the truck over to him and he gave me a few pills and then drove me home. The two Saras hung around the apartment most of Sunday smoking their P-O-T and sleeping on and off. I cleaned up the living room and got half of the bedroom tidied up. Nice mess we created while looking for your birth certificate! My main priority cleaning wise was to be able to sit on the bed comfortably so mission accomplished. Your side of the bedroom still looks as if a bomb went off but I guess I have lots of time to straighten that mess out. Still no notice by the way so...

I told *** to keep the truck overnight as I had no use for it. Sara #2 took a bus home around 8pm last night and then Sara and I went to Burger King to grab some dinner and watch some tv. It was a nice quiet night and I think that we both went into bed with the lights out by 11pm. I felt really tired although I seemed to wake up about every two hours throughout the night. Her alarm ended up waking me up but not her this morning. I woke her up around 7am and after some mad dashing around she was out the door for school. As she never came back, I assume that she didn''t miss her bus. This morning I just didn''t feel like getting out of bed and drifted in and out of sleep until almost 1pm. I called *** to see if he could come get me for work but he wasn''t at home - think he was getting lucky if I understood what he was telling me. He had left the truck at Steve''s cause he had had too much to drink last night and didn''t want to risk driving it. He wasn''t at Steve''s either but at a lady friend, not Sharon but someone else too. He sent a limo for me to get me to work! I didn''t mean for him to do that but I didn''t turn it down either.

So I am at work drug free but I don''t feel as bad as I normally do. My stomach is a little upset though and I figure that you are probably in worse shape than I so I am not complaining. Sucking it up and am going to get through the day no matter what. Work has been extremely slow today and I have already been here two hours. Have only had one call. This entry has taken most of my time excellent typist that I am - not!

Hope you have a chance to read this. Comment if you do. I really, really miss you and can''t wait until you are back on Canadian soil. I hope that it is not as awful as you imagined it would be and trust that you are doing your best to get along with your sister. I love you. Sending you only good thoughts and wishes.

P.S. Update 7:36pm Well I am almost done for the day and I have more or less made it. I am still standing, well sitting actually, but you know what I mean. Opiate free for an entire shift at work. This certainly is a first in a long time. I just want to go home now. Don''t want to see anyone. Guess I will have to see *** about the truck but unless he offers, I ain''t saying a thing. He has already been generous enough and I am not comfortable asking for additional favours right now. ***** is of absolute no use either as *** has said he has cut her off for good this time, no more favours after this past weekend when she was talking trash about him. He says that he means it this time and right now I believe him. And well with ** cut my nose to spite my face so to speak so what is left? Just little old me. Wish my head would back off and my arms would stop shaking but I''ll be OK, I guess. Still missing you and hope to hear from you soon. kisses always.... 

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2005-09-19

Dear Jim,

It is now 4:14am and I think that I am going to try to go to sleep. My back is kind of aching and I am tired of feeling all hot and sweaty. Maybe if I try to lie still I will start to cool down. I went over to Tim Horton''s around midnight to grab an ice capp and it was nice and cool outside so I have no idea why it feels so hot and humid up here.

I couldn''t get a hold of *** after work. Well that is not entirely true. He was somewhere in White Oaks and didn''t know when he would be travelling north again so I just decided to take the bus home and forget about the truck. Funny how people that do not have jobs forget about those of us that do. Oh well, probably for the best as I/we can''t afford to go into any more debt right now. I took half of the Percodans that I "stole" from you and they seemed to help a little. Going to save the remaining three for just before work tomorrow. Sara stayed overnight at Katie''s which was just as well as I probably wouldn''t have been the greatest company.

Still no white paper on the front door and I checked to see if the rental sign is still up in the window of Talbot St and it is. I think that I will wait until later in the week but if the sign is still there, I will call the guy that we talked to. I plan on offering him a $150 to hold the apartment for us explaining that you are away for two weeks. I will be able to give him the remainder of the money on the 30th of this month. It''s not as if he was expecting to receive any money for September anyway so hopefully he will go for this. Fingers crossed naturally.

OK am going to try and sleep now. I am still watching Battlestar Gallactica episodes. I started season one over last night and am now on the ninth one I believe, the one when the drunken colonel''s wife returns. I love the dinner scene amongst everyone upon her return. Hahahaha. 

Kisses and love always...

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2005-09-20

Dear Jim,

It is almost quarter to eight and I am only getting to this now. Today has been crazy busy because our activation server had been down for the last six days so everyone has been calling in today to get their stupid software activated. At least I haven''t really had a chance to feel too sorry for myself! Looks as if you are missing absolutely nothing here. Again I have not been able to get ahold of *** so I am just going to hop on a bus to go home. Not really in a postion to hunt him down nor do I really feel too inclined to either. Thought about calling ****** but what''s the point. Don''t feel like dealing with her crap attitude anyway.

I shall update this more once I get home. Still no word from our current property management company which I think is rather strange but not about to investigate either. Might as well leave well enough alone right?

Ok just got another bloody call and it will probably take me until the end of my shift.

Missing you terribly,

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2005-09-21

Dear Jim,

I hope that you got my most recent emails. Everyone has been really helpful and quick to respond about what to do once you get to Mexico. It may not be impossible after all except for the part about losing your parents and sister. I hope that they are not glued to you like Crazy Glue!


It is almost midnight and I am just about to get into bed. Tired and kind of sore right now. Work was busy the entire day which was different but I don''t really have any interest in talking about it. As I said in my first email, I have been taking a 400mg Advil every four hours and then one of the LiquiGel Advils also every four hours but opposite to the other. I have also been pounding back some Vitamin 12 each time I take the Advil. Plus I took a Claritin Liberator 24 hour allergy pill too cause I noticed that they have 240mg pseudoephedrine sulfate which I was hoping would give me a wee bit of energy. I suppose the fact that I stayed awake at work meant it worked. Duh...Try a sauna and whirlpool if you have a chance. I know how much you hate saunas but maybe sweating out some of the poisons will help. The whirlpool will certainly help your aching muscles. I took two today and plan on doing the same tomorrow.


Remember those blue denim shoes that I got with the ridiculous five inch heels? Well I glued the heel that was broken and thought that it would be a good idea to wear them to work today cause they looked super nice with the pants that I was wearing. Hmmm, not one of my brighter ideas seeing how the last time I wore heels was sometime back in 1988 just prior to breaking my knee cap. I left the apartment for work, got on the elevator and the moment that I got to the lobby I sat down on the couch to switch into my sandles. Didn''t think that I would make it to the bus stop in one piece if I had kept them on although they did look pretty smashing when I was sitting at my desk.


So of course I wait until the last second to go to work and head out to take the 1:35 bus which gets downtown at 1:55. I really should have taken the prior bus just in case something went wrong which of course it did. I get on the bus and there are two other passengers already on it except that one of them was totally passed out across about five seats and the bus driver was totally stressed. He asked me if I was in a hurry and I said well, I did have to be at work by 2pm but I understood about the possible delay. He said that he had just called the ambulance and sure enough I saw and heard it almost immediately - like it had really far to travel! Suddenly right behind it two fire engines come to a screaming stop. The paramedics come on the bus through the back door and attempt to wake this sleeping beauty. When she finally comes to she practically jumps through the roof. The one paramedic starts asking her questions especially if she had been doing any "recreational" drugs today. Probably not. She must have just been really tired! Anyway they finally get her off the bus and into the ambulance so that the bus can leave. The paramedics and firefighters must have been pretty fast cause I was at work and signed onto my computer by exactly 1:59pm.


After tidying up the mess we made the other day while looking for your birth certificate, I quickly made it considerably worse by deciding to sort through all the leftover pieces of taffeta with the intent to organize. I also decided to make a few more of those purses that you gave to your sister and mother and before I knew it, I had about a dozen more made. They all look very pretty and shiny too! I didn''t really know what to do with them so I started pushig thumb tacks through the wall to hang them  on. Boy, do they end up covering quite a large portion of space but they sure look bright and colourful and will most definitely be objects of your ridicule upon your return!
  
OK my smoke is almost done so I am going to climb into bed now. It''s lonely there without you. I even miss your rocking back and forth. Hope to hear from you soon. Have a good night and try to get some sleep. Love you and  miss you. Bunches of kisses and hugs always,


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I received the following email in my mailbox this morning. Isn''t he the most?


"hi sweetie,

it would seem that this is going to be a lot tougher than i originally believed it would be .... and i don''t believe that it is to do with drugs .... merely the not being near you i am seemingly having a terrible time with. i will try to monitor this account as best as i can.
with my love, jim"

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2005-09-22

Dear Jim,

I am absolutely bored to tears. I am at work right now and it is almost 3pm. Only five more hours to go until I can go home. My hands are so sore and swollen that I can barely type. I didn''t go to work yesterday because I just didn''t feel like it. I ended up sleeping most of the day and most of last night. I even found it hard to get up this morning but I had to as I had court. I got it adjourned until October 6th cause I didn''t know what else to do. I wish that you had been here so that you could have gone with me. I felt so alone and just wanted to cry but I made it through. They also go alphabetically so I had to wait until almost one before they called my name. Then I just came to work.

****** has the truck right now because she needed to go pick up Daryll who is getting out of jail today. I just had her go pick it up from ***. She is of no use right now anyway as *** has totally cut her off and she was waiting to get more speed. I had her bring some P-O-T to Sara and she managed to grab two oxy40mgs for me but I hardly even noticed them when I did them. I probably shouldn''t have cause now I am back to day one. I had at least not done anything since Sunday. Oh well not too much I can do about it right now. I don''t know why my hands are so sore though. Typing is actually rather tough for me right now.

Tell me about the ship. Is it nice? Do you have to share a room with your sister? Are there things to do on it? Are you seasick? Is it warm? I am so glad that you actually found my blog. You should try to read some of the others that are part of junkylife because there are some really interesting people that contribute here. OK I am really,really sorry but this is all an update I can do right now. I am not exaggerating but my hands are for crap.

Love you intensely and miss you outrageously and can''t wait until you are home,

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2005-09-23

Dear Jim,

I am so excited that you are leaving comments in my journal. We could start making it our journal if you wanted to although I know that you are not terribly keen on the whole typing thing. Something to think about for the future perhaps. I am at my second computer at work today and neither one has let me load MSN Web Messenger for some reason. Keeps timing out which is unusual because normally the speed in which pages load is never an issue. I just did a speed test and my connection is 136 Kbps or download speed of 17 kB/s which sucks beyond belief. Normally our speeds our lightening fast so I don''t understand. Going to check to see if Dane is still here and ask him if they did any changes.

Yesterday in the early evening we had one of the best thunderstorms that I have seen in a really, really long time. It lasted for close to two hours also which was pretty cool. Usually the worst of it will last ten or fifteen minutes but not this bad boy. I was at work for most of it. Most of the city lost their electicity for a little bit but of course not work. Sara said that the apartment was without for about an hour but was on by the time that I got home from work.

On my way to work today, I happened to notice a poster for a show tonight at the Whippet Lounge. Guess who is playing? Come on, guess. OK...The Vapids and Johnny Terrien and the Bad Lts. Hahahaha...Thought that this was really funny for some reason. I am half toying with the idea of stopping into to the Whippet to check the show out but I probably won''t which makes me a reallly lame-o person. I mean would it really kill me to wander down there? No not really. Maybe I can convince Sara to go with me. This would be a perfect show for you and I to go to together but of course, you know that already.

My head has been pounding all day. I think that I have spoken about six words to people at work. Thank goodness the phones have been quiet. Think I may have only had about four calls so far too. Whew. I can''t smoke either as my stomach is upset. Everytime I go to light a cigarette, I get that feeling that I am going to be sick so I put it out immediately. Haven''t had one cigarette since I got to work today either.

Bad news of sorts. Mr Jamie B got picked up by le police last evening I guess. Wonder if les brothers can share a cell? Apparently there was a high speed chase that culminated in ******''s backyard of all places although the police did not go to talk to her or anyone at her house once they had arrested him. He called her on his cell phone to let her know what was going on so she said the sirens etc were no surprise when they did finally arrive. She said she didn''t open any of her doors just in case but she could hear the police telling him to get out of the car and to lie on the ground, etc, etc. I forgot to ask her what time this all occurred. Silly, silly boy. Now he is screwed. He should have just done those weekends when he had a chance cause I don''t think he''ll be released any time in the near future now.

There is more that I want to say but my hands are a tad sore and I don''t really feel like typing right now. I am going to cruise around and catch up on my fellow junkylifers for a little bit right now I think.

Still missing you outrageously. I can''t remember what started me off yesterday but I started crying for no reason at home before work cause you weren''t around. Needless to say, my sleeping is for crap. I have yet to find a comfortable position for one and fear that this is but a dream now anyway. Even the cat''s presence cannot soothe me although she is trying her best. Well, your return is now certainly getting closer. We are halfway there so that''s something. I am so glad that you are actually returning cause I don''t know what I would do if for some reason we were to actually separate - OK, so now I know that this is something that will never, ever happen unless it is over my dead body!!!!

Love you always and hope to hear from you very soon,

-------------------

2005-09-25

Dear Jim,

OK I am now over that intense interlude of me feeling oh so sorry for myself and to heck with the rest of you pitiful souls. How very selfish of me and kind of typical too, huh? Sorry, that really wasn''t very nice of me cause knowing you, you will go and worry about me when you should be focusing on yourself.

I think that I read that morphine and maybe vicodan were the painkillers most often prescribed by pharmacists in Mexico but I will double check that. I am pretty sure that you can get valium or similar type products over the counter so even if you are not brave enough to follow Katie''s advice you should probably grab some of the valium typed meds cause at the very least, they may knock you out enough to get at least a decent nights sleep.

I did an oxy the other day but nothing since. When I say that you are not missing anything here, I am so not exaggerating. Even though it does kind of suck, I am kind of glad that this is happening while you are away because it has forced me to be realistic with the situation rather than depend on you to somehow make everything all better and then getting all bent out of shape when you are unable to pull that rabbit out of the hat! Still don''t like it but you get the gist I think. *** is out although he just called to say he has those time release ones in 12mg and 24mg sizes. You know the ones that you have to grind into a really fine powder before attempting anything else with them. They are dilaudids though which still puts them ahead of those horrific oxycontins. Now, honestly, I am just feeling too damn lazy to go out although I know that I will regret this later. Hmmm...must ponder.

****** obviously does not have any either as she gets hers from *** and is just so inconvenienced to look for alternatives unless absolutely forced. Now that Jamie is in jail it will be doubly harder to get her to be arsed so thankfully this may be the beginning of the end of our dealings with her. Although I have not yet, ** is prepared to deal with me again cause I called to apologize. I was actually calling about getting a carton of cigarettes but I am apparently absolved and can call around for the other if I so choose. I definitely am getting a carton tomorrow before traffic court but must ponder the other. Do not want to screw myself financially this week. Sara did manage to score some cash from her Granny so we are flush again for a minute or two!

This time though I have been experiencing some rather strange side effects on top of your regular garden variety ones. For some reason, I have broken out in canker sores/blisters across my top lip and inside the top of my mouth. They just popped up suddenly overnight but I had been complaining to anyone that would listen of feeling kind of rundown these past few days so probably related. I just got rid of a near three day headache about two and a half hours ago and with its demise, my naseau seems to also disappeared. The upset stomach was really throwing my equilibrium off also. Friday afternoon I actually threw up a number of times - always a good time especially when it happens at work! Don''t think anyone actually noticed.    What else to say? Darryl is home and he sends his regards - says if he had gotten out sooner he would have joined you and your folks on the cruise!!! He is looking good and feeling good thanks to his two month stint of "rehab". You know Darryl, he says that is one of the reasons that he loves going in from time to time cause he loves to dry out and clean up and start anew! Funny, funny guy. Do you know who was waiting for him anxiously to get released? Sharon. Apparently she is madly in love with Darryl and I was with her the first chance she saw Darryl after his release and she was positively giddy and gushing and beside herself. The feeling seems very mutual from him as well so that is nice although just this week she found out that she was HIV positive so I am not sure how this will end up affecting them. Or ***   as didn''t he just sleep with her?

I guess that this is all I have to say for now. I will write later for sure. Going to start to do some packing. I am not yet stressed about Wednesday and don''t think that I will end up being too worked up about it. For some reason, this seems managable and I am optimistic about finding a place quickly. Just a feeling.

Still missing you but now we are past the midway mark so you have been away longer than the time you have left so it can only get better from here on in, right? Bunches of kisses and hugs and like our uncouth and uncivilized friends like to say, I will have a big smash waiting upon your return!

-------------------

2005-09-29

Dear Jim,

Sorry that I haven''t written lately. I have been feeling kind of depressed I guess and terribly unmotivated. Am so tired of going to work sick as it makes my measley six hours feel like sixty. It hasn''t helped much that wwe have been ridiculously slow this week. Yesterday I didn''t end up having a call after 5pm. There are only so many web sites that you can surf before you start to go raving mad too!

Well we are out of the apartment. Went to your parents yesterday. I brought the cat but I assumed that this was OK cause otherwise I had nothing to do with her. Poor kitty. I have all of the doors closed to most of the rooms so the cat is limited to where she can roam. She knows where her litter is and so far she has not done anything untoward. The sign was gone from the apartment on Talbot when I checked tonight on my dinner break so sad about that. I have a couple of other prospects which I will pursue tomorrow before work I guess. Tried to get tomorrow off but there would be no one to cover for me so I have to go to work. Oh well.

Can''t wait until you get home. I know that it is just a heartbeat away now but I still am impatient. Have missed you so much although Sara has been excellent company these past two weeks and has seemed to have made a concerted effort to get along with me which is a nice change. Thank goodness for small miracles. I believe that *** was actually seeing his doctor today so at least there will be a nice, big treat waiting your return. I have not seen ****** since Sunday night after I talked to you. Remember I said that she was being difficult? Well I got the truck back and parked it immediately at ***''s. Apparently she is none too keen about this although she has said nothing to me or to ***, just bitching to anyone else in her earshot I guess. Word has it that she is out of absolutely everything imaginable so she would have been of no use anyway!

OK, less than half an hour to go until my shift is done. Finally. Thought it would never end. Missing you and thinking about you and eagerly anticipating your return. All of my love now and forever,

seedless

seedless

This is a link that I really should have put up ages ago, but then I managed to get distracted for quite a bit, and am now only returning to my computer after a fairly long absence. Hopefully this will make up for my negligence! Years ago, when I first started blogging, I was fortunate enough to be able to belong to a website that was, for better or worse, a real showcase for about two dozen fairly talented writers who just happened to also be opiate addicts. During my two years writing under junkylife.com, I met some truly remarkable and brilliant individuals. While we came from all over the world and our ages ranged from teens to retirement, the one thread that we all shared was our love and dependence and continuing battle with a varying range of opiates. As a collective, we managed to bring many, many lifetimes of experiences and stories to the table. At the time, we ranged from being completely abstinent with multiple years of recovery behind us to being knee deep in extremely active addiction with no thoughts of ever stopping.

The group had individuals who were top executives in international companies earning six figure salaries and then some to those who had no idea where they would lay their head each evening to sleep. We were all there to support the others around us. No judgments, no lectures and especially, no shame. For the first time in my life, I had found a safe and secure place to share my experiences without fear of any sort of recriminations. More than anything else though, I discovered that I wasn't alone, that there were others very much like me.

At the time that I received an invitation to join this group, I was as deep as I would get with my addiction. I was using the absolute heaviest that I had ever used in my life, and was doing this while maintaining a full time office job of responsibility, etc, not to mention, maintaining the semblance of a completely normal family. By the time junkylife.com imploded though, I had found the strength to stop using and to get myself back into treatment, but know that I may not have been as successful as I have been, had they not been there for me every step of the way. To any and all that are still out there, a rather belated, but heartfelt thank you.

The above link, seedless, was one of the original members of junkylife.com. He also is an utterly amazing writer with stories that will simply mesmerize you. Words can not begin to serve him justice. I urge one and all to take some time and check out the above link as you will not be disappointed.

P.S. Hope this makes up for my utterly disgracefully slow response to your earlier request! Cheers...

The Pen Is Mightier...

I have been keeping a journal of some sort on and off since I was about 10 or 11, so about 34 or 35 years now. I kept one religiously all thru high school and university because it seemed like so much was happening with things changing so quickly, I was afraid that I would forget stuff and at that time in my life, I wanted to remember everything, good or bad. As I settled down into married life in my twenties and then motherhood in my thirties, keeping a journal was but a faint and distant memory. It was the farthest thing from my mind. At that time, there seemed to be no time left to undertake this sometimes time consuming task, plus, for better or worse, my life had seemed to have settled into something of a routine. Excitement and change seemed to be memories of the past. Not that this was necessarily a bad thing, just different.




Seven years ago this past June, my father was diagnosed with cancer and he passed away the following March. For the first time in over a decade, I picked up pen and put it back to paper. Towards the end of his life, I found myself in a long since forgotten place, but suddenly it became extremely important that I remembered everything that was happening around me these last seven or eight months of his life. Now more than any other time, I did not want to lose so much as a single memory from what was happening. I was so very afraid that I might forget something about his last days. For all of us, it was definitely a time of change.


I carried my journal with me everywhere. I filled up dozens of blank ones over this period of time, and every time I started to feel restless, I would write, and write, and write. Many days, I had a lot of time to do this. For twenty plus weeks, I spent each and every week day waiting in various rooms at the hospital for my father to complete whatever appointment he had that day. Every day he had his radiation treatment, plus there were a multitude of other types of appointments related to his cancer. To top everything else off, he was also getting chemo at the exact same time as his radiation, although the chemo finished about a month after the radiation. For just over five months, I drove him to the hospital five days a week for his treatments. Most days we would be at the hospital the entire day, but there were others where we were lucky enough to get out of there within the hour.


Regardless of the length of each visit, there was plenty of time for me to reflect and write. It was also a time for me to really get to know my dad all over again, as well as he had a chance to reacquaint himself with me. Bittersweet is an apt description I should imagine. After he passed, I continued to write as an outlet for my emotions. To this day, I carry a journal with me everywhere I go, and any time I feel the need, I write something in it. An entry can be one word to endless pages. I have found that whenever I am restless, upset, bored, impatient, irritated, you name it, the moment that I start writing I am immediately calmed. My recent journals follow no set form. They range from neat and tidy to tremendously disorganized and messy. I paste pictures in them sometimes. I doodle in them. I make sure that each one is different from the next. I haunt stores looking for unique and different books to use as journals. I have become quite creative in my quest to make each somewhat unique in its own way.


Now, I also keep an on line journal, although it is nowhere near as current or updated as my written - I am hindered somewhat by my complete inability to type as well and as fast as I would like. It was about five years ago that I was told about livejournal.com . This became my first foray into on line journaling. It seemed to take me an exceptionally long time to feel comfortable expressing myself publicly, although once I more or less got the hang of it, it became easier and easier. For the most part, I have liked using livejournal, and in fact, initially, I ended up having a number of separate accounts there. In the beginning, I mostly used them to display and store my art work. But these earlier attempts were dishonest at best, half truths at the most. They in no way reflected my actual life, although they did allow brief glimpses of it from time to time.




As I became more familiar and comfortable with this method of journaling, it became increasingly important that they start to actually reflect what was really going on in my life at that time. Initially though this caused me momentary paralysis as I certainly had no desire to lay bare those portions of my life I had spent years pretty much hiding from the general populous. My "alternate" life needed to continue being exactly that - one face for the majority and another for the precious few that were familiar with my drug use/abuse. That face was not yet ready for public consumption.


With the identity that I had been using, I found that this was going to be impossible to be completely frank and open about my lifestyle. Finally one day, I created an alternate online identity to reflect my alternate life. This is the one that I continue to use today. Over the past four and a half years there has been a blurring of my real and of my alternate world. This has become possible because my comfort level continually increases allowing me the luxury of honesty. For the most part, my mask is still there. I try to keep my name and my families and those that are important to me as anonymous as possible in an effort to ensure that their privacy is respected, as there is no certainty that they may feel as relaxed as I.


The majority of my drug use/abuse years are currently not available to read anymore online as the site that I had been using for this particular period of my life, literally disappeared overnight about two years ago. I used to be part of a group of addicts and recovering addicts that all had their personal journals at JUNKLIFE. At any given time, there were about twenty to twenty five of us sharing our stories with each other and anyone else who was interested. Sadly, it is now gone. After a number of frantic months attempting to contact the web master, I finally was able to get all of my writings from my time spent there. Until I received them, I was utterly gutted, as I had well over two hundred separate entries just from the two years I had been writing there. More importantly, I needed these writings available to me as an aid in my current recovery. I had only just started MMT when my site disappeared, so the lion's share of what was happening to me during this period reflected my very active addiction, as well as documenting how I allowed it to get so out of control. With each passing month, you could see where I was inevitably heading - the proverbial, or cliched, rock bottom.


Now, while I have all of these entries stored on my computer's hard drive, I have utterly no clue how to get them uploaded once again to the INTERNET. They were sent to me as one .sql file - whatever the heck this means cus I've so got no clue! Ideally, I'd like to add them to this site, or even if I had to, start a new site for my archived writings from my addiction period. I can go through this very large file and enter one entry at a time by copying and pasting it, and then back dating said entry with its original publishing date and time. I've manually entered a few, but it is just too time consuming, and honestly tres boring to have to do it this way. This site was actually started approx May 2007 when I first started having trouble accessing my previous site. Any writings from that point on are all original to this site, any before this time, were culled from my previous two sites, and are sadly not remotely enough to really paint the complete picture of my severe addiction years. If nothing else though, they are a start. Perhaps I'll suddenly feel energized enough to enter a few more of my old entries! LATER...

Mainliner

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 2005 07 29

OK it has been a crazy day at work which kind of sucks for a Friday as I tend to like to ease into my weekend. I apologize in advance to anyone actually reading this entry as my thoughts are all over the place plus combined with the fact that I am also working I suspect that this entry will have absolutely no flow. That being the case,  for some reason there are a few things kind of bothering me today that I need to vent about and this, I guess, is the place that I can do it.

Went to my girlfriend's before work today cause I owed her a little bit of money and I wanted to get that out of the way. Not only is she a good friend but she is also one of my dealers, one that I am ever slowly fazing out because it is getting harder and harder for her to separate work and business and as a result I am now having difficulty also so...Slightly veering off topic now. Told you there would be flow issues. I was a late bloomer so to speak as far as drugs are concerned. I never actually tried any until a few months before my twenty first birthday when I smoked my first joint. Now I am fairly confident that I have made up for lost time. And except for a six year period about a decade and a half ago when I didn't use or abuse anything except for cigarettes and alcohol I have pretty much used some sort of drug every day since my first joint.

This being the case, I also want to state that I think that the reason(s) I still use and abuse and don't seem to have this overwhelming guilt about my usage is that I really haven't had any dignity stealing experiences relating to my use. By this I mean that I have never had to use my body in any shape or form to acquire whatever happened to be my poison du jour. I know alot of female addicts who suffer terrible self-esteem issues because of some of the things that they may have done to get that much needed fix. I am not judging. I know how lucky I am to be in the position that I am in. I was lucky. I have never stolen to feed my addiction - well, I didn't return all of my father's painkillers to the pharmacy after he had passed away but I rationalized that one away. And I did bring back the majority of the stuff that my Mom had given me to return so...

Now I know that this seems to be going nowhere but trust me I have a point. OK so I have never had to sell my body or my firstborn or my husband but over the past year I have been loaning my vehicle to my friend to use while I am at work and for the use of it I usually get some sort of tip. Call this a rental charge. Now as we are first and foremost friends she tends to take a lot more liberties with me than I suspect she would with someone else. I know she does. She has become sloppy in what I think her responsibilities should be when she has my truck. Like I will ask it back at a certain time and she will show up three or four hours later or she won't be here to pick me up when I am done work or even better she will end up giving some lowlife creep a ride in it and then suddenly $750 worth of my husband's tools are missing. And she tells me that she only left it unlocked for about five minutes while she ran into her house to get this guy looked after. Yeah well that is all his friend, who was literally waiting in the bushes, needed to grap everything that was in our backseat. Then she says that this could have happened to anyone. Well, no that is not true because scum like him would never have been in my truck so he would have no idea what goodies I had stored there. Plus she doesn't think that she should be held financially responsible for these items yet the outstanding bill of $385 that I have with her has to be paid immediately or else.

Or else what? I won't get any more of your crap dope? I won't be left standing outside for an hour and a half at night in a rainstorm waiting to be picked up by my vehicle? I won't have stuff that my husband, not even me, uses to make a living stolen from my truck while you are looking after it and then don't do crap about it? I won't have to put another $1200 in repairs into the truck a day after you have had it for a three day period in which you towed a trailer that I specifically told you not to tow? I have put $5200 in repairs into the truck since Christmas plus have also paid the $440 a month we have to pay to get the stupid thing insured.

Anyway it is times like this that I end up getting kind of depressed about my habit. I feel dirty or compromised or something that I can not quite articulate. I resent my usage I guess. Like I said I think for the most part I have been really lucky. I have never had to pawn all of my worldly possessions. In fact I have only been to a pawn shop maybe twice in my life and the visits were totally not related to dope. I have never been homeless or even jobless. I have never been really hungry. Like there have been lots of times that I haven't wanted to eat but I pretty much have always been able to eat.  I sometimes shudder when I stop to think about the shear amount of money that I have probably spent over the last twenty years but it is not as if I can take that money with me either so I can usually shake that thought pretty fast.

Again I am not entirely sure what I wanted to really express today. I was just mad and what actually set me off is that when I went to pay part of my debt she of course was out of pills - so, yes I am actually at work having not gotten anything prior which is a minor miracle in its own right - so I said that I would grab a bit of speed instead. I just wanted a quarter so I gave her another $30. She said that she didn't have any broken out that I would have to take a half but that I could use this as a down payment towards the next time she needs the truck. So I look at it just as she is hustling me out the door and I say to her that there is no way that this is a half and she said that I would have to weigh it at home. Now she knew that I was on my way to work and that I did not have any scales at home so I don't know what game she was trying to play. I said no that it was a quarter and that she in no way was going to get the truck and say that she had already given me something. Yuck, feel gross just writing/typing this out. 

the change

This entry was actually first written 2006-01-18 22:39:03

I can not describe the change I have felt in myself personally since I finally made the commitment to return to methadone. A proverbial weight has most definitely been lifted from my very overwhelmed shoulders. I feel as if I have somehow been released from a life sentence and suddenly I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Psychologically I am feeling empowered, liberated and even near invincible. I understand that this is not truly the case but what a change from the previous three months and the suffocating melancholy that I felt would never disappear. I still have twelve days to wait unless by some miracle there is a cancellation but at least now this is actually going to happen. Not just talking about starting or getting down there to register. Now on the 30th of January at precisely 9:30am I will willingly present myself so that I can begin the long road back to freedom - freedom from addiction, freedom from debt, freedom from esteem issues, freedom from depression/anger/frustration.

A number of events in the recent past have certainly contributed to my sudden eagerness to clean myself up the least of which is the sheer cost of sustaining not one but two fairly healthy addictions. Now to be fair the actual cost is not actually my prime motivation in attempting to clean myself up but simply one of way too many to mention right now. On that note I would like then the subject of this entry to focus on the financial end of drug addiction. I would also like to clarify that for me it is not, nor has it actually ever been, so much the actual cost of the addiction but the way my supplier treats me and my money in regards to my dependence. Even reading the last two sentences back knowing what I am attempting to convey, I am still kind of fuzzy so I am fairly confident that I am not being as clear as I would like. Bear with me then and accept that I have recently reached the point where I am finally so sick and tired of my dealer’’s cavalier attitude towards the amount of money I spend each month that this has forced me to started resenting my addiction and the unreal amount of money spent in my crazy attempt to maintain it that it has provoked me so hard to want to quit.

While I made the decision to commit to methadone a few weeks ago, events from last evening absolutely convinced me that not only had I made the correct decision but also ensured that nothing and I mean nothing will cause me to waver from this. When I look at the big picture this will and does sound ridiculously petty but to me it did nothing but illustrate the regard in which *** actually holds me. It has been tough around this city since about last Friday when 300 of his pills disappeared. There are not a lot of alternates if you want 8mg dilaudid. Yes both morphine and oxycontin are reasonably easy to get but from my point of view a very poor second and third. As it is it is not uncommon for *** to be out of dilaudid for four to five days of every month but to his credit he usually ensures that his hardcore regulars are not left without anything. Generally I don’’t experience too many problems hooking up with him but over the last two months there have been a towards While I made the decision to commit to methadone a few weeks ago, events from last evening absolutely convinced me that not only had I made the correct decision but also ensured that nothing and I mean nothing will cause me to waver from this. When I look at the big picture this will and does sound ridiculously petty but to me it did nothing but illustrate the regard in which *** actually holds me. It has been tough around this city since about last Friday when 300 of his pills disappeared. There are not a lot of alternates if you want 8mg dilaudid. Yes both morphine and oxycontin are reasonably easy to get but from my point of view a very poor second and third. As it is it is not uncommon for *** to be out of dilaudid for four to five days of every month but to his credit he usually ensures that his hardcore regulars are not left without anything. Generally I don’t experience too many problems hooking up with him but over the last two months there have been a couple of little things occurring while trying to hook up that have caused me to pause and question his actions. The amount of money I spend each month has forced me to start resenting my addiction and the unreal amount of money spent in my crazy attempt to maintain it has provoked me so hard to want to quit.

He is a dyed in the wool speed addict. There is absolutely nothing in the world that he likes better and sometimes he can tweak a little more than I care to witness I suppose and on a few occasions I would describe his behaviour as irrational at best. I am beginning to think that he may have more of a bill than he can manage with his dealers and if this is the case I am beginning to resent having to suffer for this bill. Anytime he gets something for the few that he continues to supply if he runs out, he never requests money in advance. Normally he would grab what he thinks he needed and we would pay him once we got over to his house. We never had to give cash in advance for him to go pick up and then for him to deliver later in the day. And if this is the kind of service that I have to endure then *** is oh so very replaceable. I went over yesterday and the only thing that he had were two 40mg oxycontins for $20. I grabbed them from him. He mentioned that he should be getting two more any second and should he grab them for me.

8:24pm OK I need to vent right now. Grrrrr....*** just hung up on me in the middle of our conversation. This after Jim had relayed a message to me at work to call ***. The man is an utter idiot and then some. We did him a favour on Saturday and for some reason he has this dillusional idea that we are somehow trying to screw him over. I am sure that most of you know a pretty decent amount of fellow users that have managed to screw themselves as far as having such luxuries as say legal bank accounts. I don’’t know too many in our circle that bother to even maintain a bank account. Now without one it can be difficult to cash cheques. Both Jim and I have two accounts that so far we have managed not to mess up and it utterly stupifies me the number of people that think nothing of asking us to put what we are more than aware is a completely bad cheque through one of them. This occured on Saturday and against our better judgement we agreed to try to cash a second party cheque thru our bank machine. By this I mean we attempted to deposit a cheque that was made out to someone else and "endorsed" by them and then endorsed by Jim. Very few institutions accept this kind of deposit normally and we explained this to him but he wanted us to continue. We also explained that there would be no guarantee of Jim being allowed to automatically withdraw funds from his account until this cheque cleared. Now if this cheque is bad then there is a very high chance that it is going to bounce also.

What galls me more than anything is ***’’s demand a few minutes ago to either give him his money or get the cheque back to him. OK now first of all technically it is not your money. The money actually belongs to the lady whose name appears on the cheque. Second it is also not your cheque. Again the cheque belongs to the name that appears after Pay To The Order. Now magnanimously offering us half of this cheque for doing this favour is also supremely flawed because the funds are actually coming directly out of our account so at this point technically it is already our money and if the cheque does get returned we are the ones that have to cover the amount that was returned. Like *** is going to step forward and replace these missing funds. Yeah of course he is. No we will be stuck holding the bag. The only time that I ever lose my grip on reality and actually contemplate doing something like this is when I am so low on funds that even entering into this type of soon to be very expensive venture is still better than the alternative of no funds. I always do this with the full knowledge that this little caper ultimately will cost us dearly. I am very good at convincing myself that actually all that this really is is nothing more than a very, very expensive cash advance. Now for doing this favour, Jim and I normally are allowed keep half of the value of the cheque. To this, I say oh you bloody morons how very generous you are with what is in fact our own money. Your ignorance is incredible and some days I can barely fathom how you are even able to function out in society. I don’’t understand their inability to recognize what is actually occurring. Jim and I are really giving them a loan that they will never actually have to pay back and this loan is fascillated with the help of our bank account. Our reward is the fact that we now have money that we previously did not have access to. Look on this as a really twisted cash advance or messed up overdraft I suppose. Automatically, I end up writing the other half of the cheque off as a loss cause attempting to explain what is actually happening always seems to be out of the individual’’s realm of comprehension and more bother than it is worth!

I just called Jim to ask him to do me a favour and please explain to this lunatic that there is no sense harassing and threatening me because I did not put it thru my account but thru Jim’’s. I think he is having a problem because I physically deposited the cheque after borrowing Jim’’s bank card. This was also the only time that I have ever done so much as a transaction with this account. Regardless of me telling him repeatedly that this is not my account nor is his precious cheque currently lanquishing in my bank account. I can do NOTHING concerning this matter. Talk to Jim you bloody moron.

8:58pm Wow I feel pretty amazing now that I have completed the above rant. Unfortunately this rant only served to end up diverting my attention away from today’’s entry and as I am done work for the evening I am now forced to abandon my entry midway through it. C’’est la vie! I guess TO BE CONTINUED AT A LATER DATE

Policy of Truth

OK, so from now on, no more cheating from me - at least until I have stopped to take the time to give you all a proper update! I know that I am long overdue in writing a real and proper post, and by real and proper, I mean one that is rooted in the present, the today, the here and now. Recently, I have kind of been cheating with my posts! I've been using posts that I had written for my previous site, Why Do Anything When You Can Forget Everything?, rather than taking the time to sit down and write something new. Technically, these posts are new as they've never actually appeared on this site but still...

As I have still not figured out how to actually get my old site uploaded again to the internet I thought that there was no harm in sharing something from my archives. A little copying and pasting later and voila! Also, so far any of the archived entries that I've chosen were from the period in my life when I was still actively using. I was hoping with these entries that you would be able to get a more complete picture of who I am and how I managed to get to where I am. Of course, then again, for all I know, you could care less.

Moving right along...I dropped my dose of methadone by 5ml twelve days ago. I went from 70ml down to my current dose of 65ml. This was the first time that I actually noticed the decrease in my dose. For the first four or five days, my body was noticeably stiffer and would remain like this until I got my dose for that particular day. Depending on how long it was between doses, I would also get a dull headache as well as a bit of a runny nose. Again, these too would disappear within about forty five minutes of dosing. By the end of the first week, my body most definitely had adjusted so for the past week, I have been fine on my current dose. Think that I will stay at this amount through May and probably the first part of June.

While I am in no huge rush to taper down completely, I was finding that at the higher doses, my mind was definitely very much on the cloudy side. I also found I seemed way tired most of the time, and the moment that I stopped moving around, I could literally fall asleep instantly - didn't matter if I was lying down or merely sitting down either. Was none too fond of this little side affect I must admit. My mind is no where near as cloudy nor am I as tired as I had been, so for these two things alone, I am eager to see what further results I will get with further reductions.

FROM THE ARCHIVES 2005 07 13

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED JULY 13, 2005

Well, I guess it is about time that I told you a bit about myself and my current evils. My weakness is and always has been anything that is part of the opiod family. Up until that first hit, I had been somewhat indifferent towards drugs but the moment that first dilaudid entered my system, I knew that it was pretty much all over for me. I had found my Achilles heal although at that time, I had no idea what a rollercoaster ride I was about to begin.

I actually never even tried drugs until I was almost twenty-one. Through high school, I was more of a drinker. My brother who is a couple of years younger than I am began experimenting at the ripe age of 12 and I watched in absolute terror what he was doing and did to his young body. I also did not want to add to the anguish that my parents endured as my brother navigated thru his teen years. I just couldn''t added to that so I kind of made a casual commitment to myself that I could wait to try plus in all honesty, it didn''t look like a whole lot of fun watching my brother puke, stagger, dripple down his clothes, pass out, you name it. I can''t remember how many times my boyfriend or myself or both rescued my brother from mess after mess after mess. Believe me nothing about his behaviour was remotely attractive and as a result I never felt as if I missed out on anything. Now in hindsight I am kind of glad that I never used anything as a teenager because my brain cells were pretty much left untouched during their crucial growth period.

For my first year of university there were no situations that I found myself in to have a chance to try anything other than liquer. Again never felt as if I was missing anything. Finally in my second year, I decided that I wasn''t going to lifeguard. Instead, I wanted to give waitressing a try because I felt I had a greater chance of making much more money while working less hours. I found a place to hire me as a cocktail server and this place just happened to be the place to go every Thursday, Friday and Saturday way back then. I made money hand over fist and I started meeting some very interesting and experienced people - both fellow staff members and customers. Lord when I think back to my second year, I was so utterly out of my depth and so very green. I started going to the parties after the bars closed and finally I was standing around with a group when someone passed a joint around. I carefully watched everyone and when it was my turn, I believe that I carried it off like a pro. Once people had seen me take some form, any form, they became much more open and inviting with me.

The next party I find myself being invited into one of the three bedrooms with a couple of other people. When I get in there, there are about a dozen lines of this white powder lined up in a row and a guy sitting behind the table. He says help yourself to us with the qualification that it will cost us $10 a line. I had never seen cocaine until that moment and to be honest, I didn''t really have any idea what it actually was and what it would do...Drum roll...Of course, I ponied up my money and waited my turn. Again I paid close attention to what the others before me did and when it was my turn, I flipped my hair over my shoulder so that it fell down my back out of the way of this precious powder. Inhale and away I went. It was the coolest. Oh my goodness, I felt amazing. I was amazing. I was no longer little shy me from no name town population 1500. I had arrived and what an arrival it was!!!

My second year at university was coming to an end and I was getting ready to spend the summer in the British Isles with my best friend. About a month before we were to leave, I got involved with one of the bouncers at work. He was a very bad boy and I found him so utterly exciting. He just oozed danger and I was ripe for the picking...

TO BE CONTINUED...MUSHROOMS, ACID AND THE RINGING IN MY EARS

FROM THE ARCHIVES

FROM THE METHADONE PRETTY ARCHIVES: MY FIRST ENTRY FROM MY OLD SITE WRITTEN 2005 07 12

I started methadone August of 1999. By then I was a solid year and a half into a pretty heavy opiate addiction. It had started with dilaudid but as soon as we were able we had moved on to heroin. We live in a funny city. While it is reasonably large with close to half a million, it is near impossible to find heroin here. Except for a time in the 1970''s - so I have been told - it is one drug that does not seem welcome. Very white collar town so there is lots of pot and cocaine. Crack has had some effect as has speed but not like those other two. Because this is also very much a university and college town, there is also lots of ecstacy and its ilk. By the time I had even given a dilaudid a try, I was about two years deep into a large coke and speed habit. Funny can''t even remember what that was like but I know that we were using every day and had been for a long time. Then along came a little yellow pill and it was as if nothing else existed. It was wonderous and it didn''t take long to develop a tolerance for it. Thank heavens we knew someone that could get us heroin. He was out of town three out of the seven days and he happened to be working in a place that was literaly drowning in it so every Thursday night right after getting off his bus, he would drop by our place with our weekly package. Sunday night we would wave him goodbye as his bus left town, our money in his pocket. This went on for over a year.

It started to get quite expensive as all habits tend to but this one also felt different. Where before, I may have been a bit of a bitch if I couldn''t get blow or speed, I could get by at least but not this time. When I was without I hurt, I felt sick, I was in servere pain. I couldn''t or wouldn''t want to go to work and I had always prided myself on never letting any of my vices interfere with work and to be honest, life in general. Suddenly I had become single minded, nothing else mattered but not feeling sick anymore. I had to have a hit no matter what. Came close to bankrupting us. Sad but at least we had a house to sell to get us out of debt. And selling this one, our favourite, meant that we still had two others left although they were nowhere near as nice and they were in a much rougher part of town but that didn''t seem to concern us so much anymore. We moved. We had to. We had someone else very important in our life now that very much needed to be accomodated. I had never lied before but suddenly I found myself doing just that. When my family doctor confronted me I couldn''t admit it at first. I was every which way of denial until I couldn''t take it anymore. This drug eventually wears you down, strips you of every vestige of dignity and self respect. I fessed up and when he started talking about getting us into a methadone program, I pretty much said yes just to humour him plus he said that as soon as we were on the list, he would be able to help us out and get us from having to buy our dope on the street at ridiculous prices.

I had never actually intended to follow thru with the methadone. The moment we were accepted our doctor wrote us each a prescription for 30 dilaudid a week. It was as if we had hit the jackpot. Between us we had 60 pills that would normally have cost us almost $20 each - quite a savings. He said that he could keep us supplied until we reached a high enough methadone dose that could sustain us on its own. I figured that we would ride this out as long as we could. Looked like it would be at least eight weeks that we could get our prescription and I figured that was long enough for us to get our finances back in order. We would in theory save a lot by not having to buy opiods for a two month period. As it was we were spending about $700/week and that was barely keeping us from getting sick so I knew that we were living on borrowed time if we continued spending at that rate. We were long overdue for a financial break.

But a funny thing happened while we going to methadone. It started working. I stopped grieving for any of the others. I went a day without a hit, then two and then a week. A week turned into a month and then two and three and we were still going. Suddenly two years had passed and I no longer did anything except for my methadone. I didn''t even drink anymore. I forgot about heroin and dilaudid and morphine - oxys had yet to make their appearance but that was only a matter of time. The methadone made me so very tired though even if it did seem to work a small miracle. I would start to nod off at the worst possible time something I rarely did while addicted to the others. I needed to stay awake. So before we knew it we were back doing speed but this time we vowed that we would keep our spending under control and we did for a long time. Speed wasn''t the same anyway now that we were on meth. Yes, you could kind of feel it but you never felt as if you were way out there. Oh well, it was still better than nothing. And we were spending about half of what we used to spend on the other.

Suddenly twenty seven months had passed. We were starting to get tired of the daily grind of having to grab our methadone. Yes, for the most part normalcy had returned to our lives. We fell into our own little routine. Gone were the hours upon hours dedicated to finding that one hit that would take away the pain. I could go back to work full time, we both could. Methadone gave our life structure once again. My credit card debts were now paid off. We had sold the other two houses and purchased a three story apartment building. Our self confidence and esteem had returned. We didn''t want or need methadone any more. It was time to say goodbye. I had two weeks vacation at Christmas 2001 but a week before my vacation started I got a terrible flu. I was down to about 20mg of methadone a day. I felt so sick that I just didn''t feel like grabbing my methadone one day and the next and the day after that. I just stopped going and when my flu ended, any withdrawal that I may have been going thru had also ended. It was hard to tell one from the other so I kept telling myself that there was no withdrawal just crappy flu symptoms.

Fast forward three and a half years. I am once again severly dependent on that little yellow pill. Well now it is the little white pill. No more #4s for us, we now need #8s. We are back spending ridiculous amounts of money and are consumed by abject fear whenever we find that we have run out or that none of our dealers is holding. It is no longer pleasant. But what of the intervening three years you ask? Well that is obviously a story for another day...TO BE CONTINUED