MMT

I know that I haven't written in a long time but something that I read tonight has prompted me to do a brief update. I really do not understand why methadone is not a solution. I was a hardcore heroin and opiate user for more years than I even want to remember. I spent almost $3000 a month on my habit and there was a point in time where I never believed that I would be able to stop.  

And yet, here I am, almost a decade later. I do not use opiates. Yes, I think about them almost daily but I now know that I won't relapse.   Methadone truly saved my life. Yes, I am still taking it but I get my carries so I only have to see my doctor weekly. I wish that I didn't but that is the price an addict must pay sometimes I guess. Yes, it is certainly better than using. Maybe, it is not a perfect solution but it is definitely a solution. It certainly is preferable than the other. 

Now, I work full time and am a  positive, contributing member of society. I am no longer a burden to anyone or anything and for this, I will be eternally grateful

WTF? Back Surgery

OK so I haven't updated in an eternity because for the most part my life has been pretty uneventful. Until about a month or so ago. Jim and I went to a Melvins concert about three months ago. This is a band we probably haven't seen in about 16 years or so. We thought that it would be a boatload of fun so we bought tickets. We had a great time. We danced and drank and acted like we were so much younger than we were!

The next day, my back hurt so much. I actually was having a hard time walking. A week later, I was still feeling like crap. Another week later, I felt worse. Suddenly one morning I woke up and I literally I could not walk on my right leg. I was in so much pain. Jim took me to the hospital at 7am. I didn't have to wait very long before a resident looked at me. She said that it was probably sciatica and that a couple of weeks of naproxin and some massage therapy would clear everything up. Shock of shock, it did not clear anything up. Well, not right away. I spent most of the summer swimming, riding my bike and doing a lot of walking. I started massage therapy and went weekly hoping to alleviate everything and for the most part, it worked.

Until, the middle of August. We had to go to Toronto for Jim's sister's birthday. I ended up being stuck in the backseat of a car for four hours and ten minutes. By the time we go to Toronto, I could barely stand on my leg. I fell out of the car and I was in so much pain. I had to crawl to their front door and into their house. It was awful. The day deteriorated from there. My brilliant idea was to get intoxicated! In hindsight, this was the worst possible plan! We were all supposed to meet my sister-in-law and in-laws at a restaurant on the other side of Toronto. 

Jim and I left after everyone else. I didn't realize just how bad my leg was until we had walked about a block. As we were crossing the street, I lost my balance and Jim attempted to help me. Believe it or not, people actually thought that he was abusing me and called the police! What a bloody scene. Five Toronto police officers showed up to question us about Jim;s alleged spousal abuse in public. WTF???

sickgirl

Most recent pic of myself that I could find. Here I am in all my glory at the ripe young age of 46!! Finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin once again.

Barely 31, this photo was taken over 15 years ago at my brother's wedding. Hadn't quite gone off the rails yet! Barely seems that long ago. Had confidence to spare way back when...

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DECADE AND A HALF AND SOME ADDICTION ISSUES MAKE!!! INDEED...

CHANGES

I can hardly believe that we are now more than halfway through the month of April and that I've literally only gone near my computer, never mind surfing the net, about three or four times!!! Busy, yes, I guess I must be. I know that so far this year, there have already been a significant number of changes in my life. Where to even begin...

Very, very briefy, and in point form right now - plan on elaborating on each and every point over the next few weeks. PROMISE!!!

• daughter moved out of our home into her first apartment with her boyfriend of close to three years, then moved back home after this relationship broke up, and then moved out again all on her own to her very own apartment
• two of the three accused that had attacked my husband and I,  plus stabbed my husband multiple times, decided to plead guilty right before we were about to proceed to trial so we had to attend both of their Sentence Hearings where I had to read my Victim Impact Statement
• accused number three has decided that he wants his day in court and has elected for a trial by judge and jury although so far no date has been set so this whole ordeal is still so not over yet
  
• spent a good, long month actually working on my Victim Impact Statement for real as opposed to continually composing it in my head
• my baby brother, and his wife, who just had their fourth child a week and a half before Christmas decided that there was no real employment future for him anymore in Ontario so he accepted a job in Halifax, NS, and within a three week period had flown out for a job interview, accepted their fairly lucrative offer, found room and board for himself in a pretty decent house at an equally reasonable rent, moved his arse and whatever stuff he needed out there to start work, while having to leave his family behind to get their house sold and packed up, allow the kids to finish out their school year at the only school they've ever attended - their ages are 11, 9 and 7 currently - and generally just adjust to  a very foreign situation for them as a family
• decided on my own that I simply did not want to attend anymore PTSD therapy as I felt that I realistically was as well and recovered as I could possibly be, so had the hospital discharge me stamped READY TO RETURN TO WORK - boy, could I have been any farther removed from the reality of my situation???

Now, these are all of the major changes I've encountered so far in 2010. There are all sorts of minor and by far, less significant stuff I've also dealt with but compared to this heavier stuff, barely warrants a mention right now. Later, maybe. And, just in case, anyone is even still out there keeping track, I've muddled through all of this with nary a stumble. I am still on Methadone Maintenance Treatment - MMT - with a current dose of 40ml/day. At one point, I had actually gotten my dose down to 30ml/day but found that once I had returned to work, this dose was simply incapable of sustaining me for even a 24 hour period so I was forced to increase my dose - for now, anyway, or at least until my body has gotten used to its increased physical activity level which has obviously changed pretty dramatically  since I've been back to work. Even though it seems to be rapidly flying by me so far this year, all in all ,though, life seems to be pretty sweet right now whicg suits me just fine!

She's Leaving Home

Today Sara moved out for the second time! She had moved out last November when she and her boyfriend of close to three years decided that they were ready to get an apartment together – Jim and I thought otherwise but knew to keep these opinions to ourselves! When she phoned us in mid February I could tell that she was struggling with something and suspected exactly what that something was! A mother always seems to know, n’est pas? When she was finally ready to unload on me, I made sure that the only thing I did was listen patiently and empathetically. I knew that it was very difficult for her to share with me the fact that she had made this hasty mistake of moving in too soon with her boyfriend, and knew that the absolute last thing that she needed to hear from me was “I told you so!” Mean and petty I can save for others, certainly not my daughter!

Once she realized that I wasn’t going to take over with the feared stereotypical MOTHER lectures of well intentioned advice, etc she was really able to relax with me and be completely honest and truthful about her current living situation. She even was able to ultimately ask for my advice, as well as seriously consider what I had to offer, not to mention follow! Felt like huge MOM victory to me let me tell you!!! In the end, her situation was really nothing more than a rather uncomfortable one. Soon after moving in with her boyfriend, she realized that she had made a big mistake and was afraid of making it even worse the longer she stayed living there. Unfortunatley, she wasn’t entirely sure how the best way to solve this would be. Her big obstacle in her mind was the fact that her boyfriend had done nothing wrong. The whole three years that they were dating he has been nothing but a complete gentleman.

I told her that she didn’t need an excuse like infidility or battery or something equally heinous to end a relationship. Sometimes, there is nothing more than the relationship had simply run its course, and what may have been there at the beginning, simply wasn’t there anymore. Over time relationships change, and this had ended up happening to theirs. They may still have had strong feelings for each other, but these feelings had obviously changed over the years. Instead of being passionate lovers they now seemed to be more like very close and dear friends. I told her that there was never going to be a good time to approach her boyfriend especially if he wasn’t ready yet to end their relationship – he wasn’t. Told her the sooner, the better, but to make sure that she allowed adequate time to talk to him about what she was about to do, and to make sure that she didn’t introduce this serious topic if they were in the middle of a  squabble as this wouldn’t be fair to either one of them in the end.

In the end, I think that she handled herself the very best that she could. She moved home with us for the past month while she got herself sorted out. Obviously, we told her that she was welcome for as long as she wanted or needed, no matter if that meant not leaving for months, or even years to come. She decided that the best thing for her right now though was to get her own apartment as soon as she was able to find a suitable, as well as affordable, one. She also decided that she didn’t want to have a roommate, but that she thought she would like to live on her own, or at least give it a try. I don’t blame her either as she had to share her bedroom for her last four years at home with us with her foster sister, and then when she did finally move out, had to share her first apartment with her boyfriend. I’m sure the thought of having her very own space is thrilling if nothing else. She can always get a roommate later on if she finds out that she doesn’t like living on her own.

For me, personally, I think that she will thrive beautifully on her own. She has blossomed into a wonderfully mature, level headed young woman whom I couldn’t be more proud. She has a fantastic job where she earns a better than decent salary, plus she also has the financial support of Jim and myself, as well as her Granny so money is not an area she has to worry too much about – except in ensuring she try to stick to a reasonable budget and not spend beyond her means. We have hopefully given her all of the tools she’ll need to get by in the world, plus she knows that we are always here for her no matter what, no questions asked.

So, I end this day on a bit of a melancholy note as once again, I’ve had to watch our daughter move out to start her life as an adult. She is no longer my baby! Of course, this melancholy is mixed with pride and happiness as I am also able to witness the beautiful young woman that my daughter has grown into.

FROM THE ARCHIVES 2005 07 13

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED JULY 13, 2005

Well, I guess it is about time that I told you a bit about myself and my current evils. My weakness is and always has been anything that is part of the opiod family. Up until that first hit, I had been somewhat indifferent towards drugs but the moment that first dilaudid entered my system, I knew that it was pretty much all over for me. I had found my Achilles heal although at that time, I had no idea what a rollercoaster ride I was about to begin.

I actually never even tried drugs until I was almost twenty-one. Through high school, I was more of a drinker. My brother who is a couple of years younger than I am began experimenting at the ripe age of 12 and I watched in absolute terror what he was doing and did to his young body. I also did not want to add to the anguish that my parents endured as my brother navigated thru his teen years. I just couldn''t added to that so I kind of made a casual commitment to myself that I could wait to try plus in all honesty, it didn''t look like a whole lot of fun watching my brother puke, stagger, dripple down his clothes, pass out, you name it. I can''t remember how many times my boyfriend or myself or both rescued my brother from mess after mess after mess. Believe me nothing about his behaviour was remotely attractive and as a result I never felt as if I missed out on anything. Now in hindsight I am kind of glad that I never used anything as a teenager because my brain cells were pretty much left untouched during their crucial growth period.

For my first year of university there were no situations that I found myself in to have a chance to try anything other than liquer. Again never felt as if I was missing anything. Finally in my second year, I decided that I wasn''t going to lifeguard. Instead, I wanted to give waitressing a try because I felt I had a greater chance of making much more money while working less hours. I found a place to hire me as a cocktail server and this place just happened to be the place to go every Thursday, Friday and Saturday way back then. I made money hand over fist and I started meeting some very interesting and experienced people - both fellow staff members and customers. Lord when I think back to my second year, I was so utterly out of my depth and so very green. I started going to the parties after the bars closed and finally I was standing around with a group when someone passed a joint around. I carefully watched everyone and when it was my turn, I believe that I carried it off like a pro. Once people had seen me take some form, any form, they became much more open and inviting with me.

The next party I find myself being invited into one of the three bedrooms with a couple of other people. When I get in there, there are about a dozen lines of this white powder lined up in a row and a guy sitting behind the table. He says help yourself to us with the qualification that it will cost us $10 a line. I had never seen cocaine until that moment and to be honest, I didn''t really have any idea what it actually was and what it would do...Drum roll...Of course, I ponied up my money and waited my turn. Again I paid close attention to what the others before me did and when it was my turn, I flipped my hair over my shoulder so that it fell down my back out of the way of this precious powder. Inhale and away I went. It was the coolest. Oh my goodness, I felt amazing. I was amazing. I was no longer little shy me from no name town population 1500. I had arrived and what an arrival it was!!!

My second year at university was coming to an end and I was getting ready to spend the summer in the British Isles with my best friend. About a month before we were to leave, I got involved with one of the bouncers at work. He was a very bad boy and I found him so utterly exciting. He just oozed danger and I was ripe for the picking...

TO BE CONTINUED...MUSHROOMS, ACID AND THE RINGING IN MY EARS

Moving Towards the Centre

My Mom and I have had a somewhat stormy relationship ever since my Dad passed away in March 2003. Up until this time, he somehow had managed to keep us reigned in and under control. I suspect that my Mom and I are just too much alike to truly get along and that somehow my Dad recognized this and cleverly kept us in our separate corners so to speak. Without him around any longer to temper us, I knew that it was just a matter of time before my Mom and I ended up having a knock down, fight to the bitter end kind of argument/disagreement that would result in our separation until one of us was able to suck it up and attempt a reconciliation.

Like clockwork this is exactly what ended up happening. In June 2005, my Mom, Sara and myself took a three day shopping trip together to Toronto. We traveled from London by ViaRail and stayed in a semi luxury hotel downtown near the Eaton's Center so that we would be right in the heart of all of the shopping. Why I had originally agreed to go on this trip in the first place is still a bit of a mystery to me even today. When we had been talking about it and planning it the January prior, I guess it just seemed far enough away in the future that I was able to convince myself that the day would never come. How very wrong I was.

Even at the start of 2005, I had a pretty healthy addiction that needed to be fed fairly regularly and often. Why I thought that six months down the road, this wouldn't be an issue just goes to show you how easy addicts delude themselves. Denial, denial, denial. That probably should have been my mantra back then. To top it all off, by the time June rolled around, my addiction pretty much knew no bounds. I was certainly out of control in a very controlled way. Always attempting to maintain the appearance of the functioning addict, although by this time, that too was quickly slipping away from me.

Still managing to go to work every day although I was starting to wrack up sick days fast and furiously. Still managing to pay the bills but barely. Many were getting paid later than usual and my normally full cupboards were starting to look a little bit bare. Was also starting to look for more and more and bigger fronts from my dealers, something I never, ever did in the past. At least before, if I couldn't pay for it with cash then and there, I normally didn't bother, but even this bit of control was disappearing rapidly. I found myself in a bit of a viscous circle. If I felt sick, I wouldn't go to work but if I didn't work, I didn't get paid and if I didn't get paid, I couldn't score so something had to give and so it did. It became easier and easier to ask for a front and to take it.

Anyway, kind of long story short but by the time that our trip rolled around, I certainly was not in my best shape. I also didn't go on the trip as prepared as I should have gone mostly because my credit was no longer as good as it had been in the past with dealers. I also didn't have enough cash on hand to use on buying the amount of pills that I would need to get me through the three days we were away.

So by the second day, I was feeling awful and wasn't doing much in the way of hiding how I felt. From this point on, our trip rapidly went downhill.

TO BE CONTINUED...

JAILBIRD UPDATE

There obviously is nothing worse than the sins of your misspent past managing to catch up to your present, especially if your present no way resembles your past anymore. Just when you have conveniently forgotten previously committed sins they certainly have a way of ensuring that you don't become so cavalier as to forget them entirely. Nothing like a little reminder to keep us all humble that's for bloody sure!!!

The charge from the early summer of 2005 that still seems to be dogging me is for possession of seven oxycontin 40mg pills that I had on me without a proper prescription. Shock of shocks. Imagine an opiate addict being in possession of something that they shouldn't have. This particular moment certainly managed to be one of my lowest ones that's for sure. This isn't to say that I didn't get what was coming to me because I was most definitely guilty of said charge. Up until this point though, I had managed to remain under the radar of the local police force and was convinced that none of my actions were enough to draw their attention in my direction. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

In all honesty, I really don't know why this old charge is still kicking around. I honestly thought that this had all been dealt with back in May 2006 so I truly was surprised over the events of two weeks ago. At the time of my arrest, my lawyer had determined that we had a more than excellent case to get this charge dismissed because I had been subjected to an illegal search. Obviously I now have a different lawyer looking after me and he too, is of the same opinion as the one I had nearly three years ago.

The absolute irritating thing about all of this is that essentially I am starting right back at square one. This sucks but there is nothing that I can do to change this fact so I am not going to dwell on the past stuff cause nothing good would result from it. At least now, my lawyer can also show that I have successfully been in treatment for over two years for my past addiction as well as not getting into any additional trouble since this incident. I've moved away from my past associates as well as having severed all ties with them. I am working full time plus I have got strong support network from my family and current friends. All of this will do nothing but help my case.

My next court appearance is next Friday and even with everything positive on my side, I can't help but feel sick and nervous about the whole thing. Obviously this is what the authorities want to create so that we are scared enough not to continue to repeat past mistakes. Well, it's working like a charm for me which just goes to show you how much I have actually changed over the past near three years. I was so deep in the throes of my addiction back then that this was no more than a bloody inconvenience, an irritant that would end up keeping me away from my one and only desire, to feed my ever increasing drug appetite.

I've also now been in treatment long enough and am stable enough that this incident will also not derail me from my current goal which is obviously a great thing. As easy as it would have been to run to the closest dealer on my release two weeks ago, I didn't. It wasn't even close to being my first reaction. I didn't need to numb any pain or more accurately didn't need any old excuse to relapse.

Second Worse Day of My Life

Well, the very last thing that I ever expected to be sitting here writing about has occurred. I have just experienced one of the most surreal 24 hours imaginable. In order to fully understand all of the current events that I am about to write about and rant about and carry on about, you first should read an earlier entry of mine. I wrote Johnny 99 on August 2, 2005 and was fully convinced that this had now all been firmly put behind me. How very wrong this turned out to be.

Yesterday started out like any other normal work day. Jim and I had actually gotten up a bit early because Tuesdays are garbage day and the big garbage bins need to be removed from the garbage room and placed in front of the building for collection. We had just returned to our unit from moving the bins when my phone started to ring. It was the Lobby calling. When I answered, a female voice indicated that she was with the London Police. I thought next to nothing of this as the police are called to this building on a regular basis, as they had been to the last property that we had managed. When I opened the door to the two plainclothes officers, she then stated that they were actually here to arrest me on an outstanding warrant from June 2006. WTF?

Once they had stated this, I could no longer be out of their site etc. To say that my day sucked from here on in certainly would be a huge understatement! I rushed inside to let Jim know what was going on and he was as confused as I. ff I went. At least they had the decency to show up in an unmarked vehicle and in plain clothes so there was no undue attention drawn to us as we left the building. After I got processed at the police station, I was then taken down to the courthouse to begin the long wait to appear before a judge. I ended up having to wait with nine other females.

Except for two others who had spent most of their previous evening in a holding cell at the police station, the others had come over from the local jail. All of them were hoping to get released by any means possible and in any way, shape or form as they had already appeared before the judge and had been denied their request for release. Some of them were making their third or fourth appearance and were pretty discouraged by this point. Their collective mood certainly was doing little to instill any confidence in my being released.

As it was, I still didn't yet understand what I was even doing here in the first place. As far as I was concerned, all of this mess had been resolved in May 2006. I had even served a year of probation and during that entire time did not miss, nor was even late, for a single appointment. One would think that if there was an active warrant for my arrest that whenever I checked in with my probation officer that my file would have somehow been flagged. No, nothing. Zero, zip, nada. And if I was on the "run", I guess I wasn't doing too much or very well in my attempt to lie low or at least not draw much attention to myself? Hiding in plain site comes to mind!

P.S. TO BE VERY MUCH CONTINUED...

Floats Like A Butterfly....

Being a Building Manager can be at the best of times frustrating to say the least. There are always a few choice tenants that insist on driving one slowly insane. This week the task has fallen to a young couple that have just recently moved into our building who initially went to great lengths to present themselves as laid back and easygoing when in fact, they couldn't be further away from these traits. They are still desperately clinging to this notion of themselves but I for one am no longer even remotely entertaining this. The gloves are very much off!

In December, they came to see a unit that they previous tenant had lived in for eighteen years and her entire time there, she didn't get any upgrades at all by the look of things. She still had this awful shag carpeting from the seventies for goodness sakes! Not only was everything in the unit old but it also was extremely dirty. She was a heavy smoker by the look of things and towards the end, she was in pretty poor health so no cleaning was being done either. What a sight this apartment turned out to be!

I actually showed it to this couple as is and explained to them what work would be done prior to anyone else being able to take possession - new carpet, new paint, new flooring in the bathroom and kitchen, new vanity and toilet in the bathroom, etc. They were desperate to move out of his mother's place and as this was the only one bedroom that I had available and would have for some time, they didn't care what shape it was in. They wanted it no matter what. Estimating what work had to be completed, etc we agreed on a move in date of January 12, 2008. What this meant was that in order to reserve this apartment, they would have to leave a deposit of their last month's rent with a pro-rated amount for January due on the day that they moved in to the unit.

My painters started begging for work the day after New Years so I told them that they could start this unit as soon as possible after their paint order arrived. They were to start on the 4th with the carpet installed on the 9th and the ceramic tile laid on the 10th and 11th. Everything else would get completed around this bigger work. There really should have been no problems except for the fact that my painters didn't bother showing up until the 9th and then not again until the 11th so I was forced to have the carpet installed before all of the painting was completed. The ceramic tile and everything needed for this job didn't arrive until late on the 11th. No way that this unit was now going to be ready for the 12th.

I tried contacting the new tenants for four days but unfortunately he had given me his old cell number and even though there was still an answering machine attached to it to leave messages, it wasn't until later that I learned he never listens to them anymore. This hardly helped me as I was attempting to contact them to advise them that their move in date had to be changed.

Of course, they showed up on the 12th at which time, I advised them that the unit was not ready. The ceramic floors still needed to be installed as well as the new vanity and toilet. I said that it would be best for everyone if we rescheduled their move in date until at least Jan 15th. This would give us loads of time to complete everything that needed to be done. He put up such a fuss saying that he had a truck and that it was already loaded, blah, blah, blah.

I said that anytime I had let tenants into a unit prior to it being finished that this had come back to haunt me and that I was extremely reluctant allowing this to occur. He absolutely promised me that this would not be an issue at all, that he just had to get out of his mother's place. I wasn't quite as confident that's for sure. I told him that three days with an empty unit would absolutely guarantee the work would be done, but once they had moved in, I told him that in all probability the exact same work would end up dragging on for a good ten days minimum. He would hear nothing of this so against my better judgment, I allowed them to move their stuff into their unit.

As you can well imagine, this has been nothing short of a nightmare. I knew I should have gone with my gut. Never again, ever. He has turned into the worst kind of anal retentive individual imaginable causing me all kinds of grief and one huge, never ending headache. He is all kinds of selfish and not at all as easygoing as he wants to believe that he is and actually thinks that he is...Too much!!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

sickgirl