Blah Blah Blah

I have no idea what is wrong with me. A week and a half ago my tooth abscessed and I had to go to the hospital. The right side of my face blew up to the size of a grapefruit and I was in an unbelievable amount of pain. I was prescribed some heavy duty antibiotics and percocet. One of the side effects of the antibiotics was/is severe diahrria which didn't actually kick in until about day six of my taking the meds. OK fair enough. Was expecting that. Now thru all of this I have also had to move - planned but now not so much fun. Now on top of all of this, I am dealing with my day to day pill addiction. Currently I am taking about five 8mg dilaudid a day and this just barely maintains me right now cause of tolerance, etc but at a current cost of $50/day, I really can't afford to do much more no matter how much I would really love to.

Anyway for the last few days my nose has been running non-stop and I have had a bit of a headache and some stomach cramps plus my period arrived about two weeks early. Now I don't know if the running nose is a cold or withdrawal or both although it really shouldn't be withdrawal cause I am at the very least maintaining but it is extremely irritating to say the least. The cramps I can explain. They seem to be a combo of the med's side effects and my period. Now the stress of the move probably hasn't helped my general well being and last night I basically freaked out and went home from work earlier cause I was just so bloody whiney. My bad. I was so restless that I basically only got an hour's sleep and I actually went out at 7am to score my dilaudid for the day which is way early for me as I work until 2am each night.

I know that I am in desperate need of a real vaca - not just a few days off to clean the house but some serious amount of time so that I can unplug. Anyway I am at work right now and my nose is still running and I just did a hit so again I don't know why. Maybe I have a cold as my throat is kind of scratchy and I haven't felt like smoking today at all...???

Back at Work

After too few days off, I am now back at work. Yikes says I but what's a girl to do? Must pay the bills and seeing how I just spent $36.00 on magazines while on my dinner break, it's probably a good thing that I am back in the saddle. Kind of bummed though - the letdown of having free time to myself over the last 11 days I guess. My last day in the office was on the 11th of February and it is now the 23rd so those 12 days have been really sweet. Oh, drat my boss is wandering around...time to go for now!!!

NUMB

Am really bumming lately. My use has gotten out of hand more or less I guess and I don't ever feel satisfied - rarely anyway. I am spending about $200 a day on dilaudid and speed but it just never seems enough. I can not shake this apathetic coma that I seem to be existing within. Just getting up in the morning is a chore and it is not because I am dope sick either although that may have something to do with it for sure. I just don't care anymore. Don't care about what I eat, wear, watch, read, write, do, injest. Don't care about anything and I have never in my entire life felt quite this numb. I assume that I am at a crossroads or that there is some sign that I am missing, a message of sorts, a message that I am ignoring or too obtuse to recognize. Doesn't help that I have had the worse falling out with my dealer - someone that I really and truly considered a very close friend...my feelings were really hurt and I am still sad about this.

Bored now...

Grrrr

Grrr... Just went to the bank and a cheque that should have cleared on December 24th just went thru today so I was $239.54 less than I expected. What a kick in the ass so I wasn't able to score what I had hoped to either. I am fit to be tied. Maybe a nice relaxing bath will calm my nerves although I strongly doubt it right now!!!

WTF?

This has been one of the most horrific weeks in a long time. I am sick and tired of my so called friend, "the dealer", TS. As it is I put up with a lot of crap from her but this week, she just pushed it all too far. I am severing all ties. I don't ever want to see her or any of the other maggots that live at her house. They are all a bunch of sycophantic losers and they can all just naff off. It is bad enough that I let her use my vehicle whenever I am at work and never ask anything in return and she can barely even pick me up on time from work but then she asks to borrow it during the day when my boyfriend really needs it, gives nothing in return for this favour, shows up late and worse. Then after everything that her and her boyfriend pulled this week, here she is calling me today nagging at me to settle the bill that I have with her. WTF?

Sorry, girlfriend but give yourself a shake and put that crack pipe down. She borrowed the car on Wednesday cause she had a dentist appointment and another appointment that she had to get to - actually I ended up giving her the car on Tuesday night around midnight and asked her to make sure that it was back by no later than 5pm Wednesday as Richey had to go to work. So no problem, right? Wrong. Around quarter to two on Wednesday I get a phone call from her boyfriend saying that TS is in the hospital with food poisoning and is really sick. He said that they were at the emerg which is about a 12 minute drive from our house and did I want him to drive it over now as he couldn't guarantee that she could get the car back to us by 5pm. I almost volunteered to take a cab over to the hospital which in hindsight is something that I should have done but I guess that I was not thinking as clearly as I should have. I said for him to bring the car now and then I could run him back to the hospital. The red flag should have gone up at this point when he said that he didn't need to go back to the hospital but home. Huh? Why would he need to go home if she were in the hospital? Of course, I didn't ask this until long after the fact.

He should have had the car back no later than quarter after two. By 5pm I was starting to freak out a little so I called TS's house. Her roommate answered saying that she was asleep on the couch. I asked if my car was there and he said no. I explained about the phone call that I had gotten from her boyfriend and Steve said that he had made the call from the house not the hospital. So where the hell was my car. Steve didn't know and TS was "too sick" to really talk to me. And all everyone kept saying was that I had given him permission to drive it. WTF? Yeah, under false pretenses. Apparently he had made the call from the house and was also supposed to ask me if I wanted to take a cab over to collect the car. They had been to the hospital but had been back at the house for quite some time. The long and short of all of this "event" was that my car was missing for over 24 hours in the hands of a lunatic and no one at the house really did anything to help me get it back. I eventually found it by repeatedly calling his parent's house threatening to call the police. Turns out in the end, he drove it home and then went into his parent's basement and passed out. At least the car was OK - no apparent damage to it and I have been driving it now for two days.

She did jack to help hiding behind the guise that she was "sick". On Thursday morning when I called to see if anyone had any new info I was crying because I was so upset. I wasn't being mean or even raising my voice when I asked her what did she think he was thinking when he took the car when she actually hung up on me saying that she didn't need this kind of crap right now. Again WTF? These people are not right in the head and do you think that I was even offered a free hit for all the trouble that they were putting me thru? Not so much as a scrap. How pathetic is that? These people are crap and I never want to set eyes on anyone of them ever again. She can keep calling over and over asking for the bit of money that I owe her. I'll bloody well change my number first. All these months she has had all the benefits of owning a vehicle with none of the responsibilities i.e.. insurance, maintenance so now she can just bite my lily white ass.

Piercings and other holes in my head...

For the first time in a long time, my husband and I seem to be experiencing a complete difference of philosphy - all over our 14 year old's two piercings. He is really mad that I have allowed her to get them - she has one in her tongue and one that looks like the Marilyn Monroe mole just over her lip. Let her get them, I actually paid for them. He thinks that I am being reckless and irresponsible which I think is so far off the mark its not even funny. I am having a hard time reconciling why he is having such difficulties with it actually. He is the original rebel, the black sheep, the one who mocked his parent's authority or attempt at it, the one who left home at the same age as our daughter is now. So when did he change? And why haven't I?

Just because I am near 41, I don't believe that my philosphy on life or my outlook needs to change - I don't think that this is necessary. If piercings had been around when I was her age, you better believe that I would have been the first to get one. I mean I was the first one in my highschool to get my ear's pierced a second time. I was the first one to colour my hair, the first one to get a tatoo. Now remember this was almost 27 years ago and a lot has changed since then but I know that I haven't. I will always be the rebel at heart and I know that I will always encourage my daughter to as well. There are far too few of her generation capable of original thought that I am not going to be the one to discourage this in her. Why Jim seems to want to is a real mystery to me and an issue that I am having a hard time adjusting to. For the first time in our 27 years together, I am actually questioning whether I really know him or not. And I am pretty torn up about the whole thing.