Leaving On A Greyhound

Well here I am with the apartment all to myself - for a moment anyway. Jim should be up from the garbage room any second. Big weekend for me and my girls. They left yesterday morning on a Greyhound bus for Toronto and are not returning until Sunday evening leaving Toronto at 7:30pm. For all of us, this is huge. It is the first time that they have been away from us, out of town and doing it all on their own. Very proud - but equally nerve wracking moment for their Mama dearest!

About three months ago, just as their school year was coming to an end, we bought them Slayer/Marilyn Manson tickets for the Molson Amphitheater in Toronto. The concert was for Friday, August 10. For both tickets, it cost us $156 but we felt it was well worth it as they had done well in school and had been a pretty good help to me when we were moving house. We picked up their return bus tickets on Thursday evening and with their student card, were able to purchase them for $98.80 total. I wanted to make sure that whatever luggage they brought was in good shape with no rips or tears or broken straps or zippers so I also bought them each a brand new knapsack which they didn't expect at all.

Jim had about a dozen Toronto subway tokens left over from one of our TO visits so we gave them to the girls so it will be easier, hopefully, for them to get around. I gave them $120 in spending money. Luckily they don't have to worry about accomodation because they are staying with a friend who originally is from London but had moved to Toronto last year. At least they will be with someone that will be more familiar with the city than the two of them on their own.

I am so proud of them and equally worried to death that they will arrive home tomorrow evening safe and sound. We've at least received a text message from them this morning in which they said all was going fantastically, that they're having the time of their life.

I Miss You, Heroin! (Epilogue)

I read the first article just over two years ago and at the time it literally blew me away. I could have written it. I know that I lived it. I searched for a long time hoping to find out what happened and voila, finally the aftermath. Enjoy!!!

I tried it one last time after I wrote “I Miss You, Heroin” in November 2004. A month after the article was published on www.blacktable.com, I took my last shot. Sometimes in life you find yourself doing things you no longer need or want to do. This is epitomized in the awkward conversations you get sucked into when you’re spotted by a high school chum you no longer know. My realization, inevitably came to late. It appeared as the drug swam over me and numbness smothered my body. And that was that. When I came back to Sobriety, I knew it was the end. It wasn’t just the last shot, it was the last thought too. Hundreds of people asked me for my help after they read my story. They asked me how to quit, how to help loved ones, how to be strong. The thing is, strength comes from within. You know that, every one of you. It takes courage to even consider quitting whatever it is that you find yourself addicted to whether it be heroin, meth, alcohol, or TV. And I think that everyone has their weaknesses. But imagine how it feels to know that you are not part of the norm. Imagine how intoxicating it feels to be free from the clutches of addiction. I find myself addicted to something that doesn’t cause money or health problems. I find myself addicted to life.

Holy shit, that sounds ridiculous. Life. What a load of crap. To tell you the truth I’m still unhappy and annoyed and frustrated. I’m still pissed off that Dubya “won” another election. I still yell at my computer, and I still look in the mirror some days and wonder how I got here. But I don’t run home in the middle of work so I can puke my guts out and blame it on an eating disorder. And I feel better. I have enough money to spend a month traveling around, and every cent would have been heroin money if I would have just given up like so many people do. I get positively drunk on the knowledge that I am not a statistic. It tickles me pink that I beat the unbeatable.

I know, for a fact, that anyone who wants to quit these things can. They’re all just too chicken shit to do it. They’re afraid of change, of the unknown. Drugs are easy, nothing matters if you’re high. And I know how easy it is to stay there. Take it from me though, it tastes better when your brain can actually register the taste.

To read the original.

Junky Mom

This is something that I had started to write in May of last year but never got around to actually finishing it. At the time of this writing, I had been attending Methadone Maintenance Treatment for exactly four months and had not used any other form of opiates in close to two months - excluding my daily dose of methadone of course!

OK so today there is actually quite a bit of ground that I would like to cover. Generally I have this intention each and everyday when I sit down to update my journal. On my solitary half to hour long walks I create these brilliant entries but unfortunately they never seem to get any farther than my mind, never seeming to get thought put to paper so to speak. By the time I start typing these brilliant thoughts have vapourized and I find myself giving nothing more than an update on my oh so uneventful day. Does anyone really care if I bought a new blouse or four for that matter? Doubtful. I'm not even terribly thrilled to be honest either.

So all these great thoughts and ideas that seem to whirl around in my head when I am furthest removed from my computer or even my actual journal for that matter never seemed to get expressed - today I have every intention of changing all of this. Now with this sort of intro, you are all going to be expecting some earth shattering revelations no doubt and these I certainly do not have either.

About a week and a half ago I was having a conversation with a friend who asked if I ever hit in front of the girls. Boy, I have to admit that this question really took me aback as I've had a hard time even accepting the fact that they know that I was/am a user. As long as they were unaware, it was much easier for me to remain actively addicted with far less guilt and greater denial. Even though when Sara was much younger though I wouldn't even use in the privacy of the bathroom if she was in the house. I'd sooner say that I was going out to get coffee and doughnuts and do it at the nearest Tim Horton's than sully her safe place. Always felt that to use when she was anywhere around would ultimately be bad karma for her and me regardless of how well I happened to keep my use hidden.

I mean I was so protective of this form of lifestyle never intentionally crossing her path at any age that except for one brief bit of time which didn't end up working out anyway, no dealer has even ever set foot in my house nor any other obvious user. We always took our business far away from our home and as she got older and more aware, unless I could hook up with someone prior to her getting home from school then I would also never leave the house once she was home for the day to hook us up. My regular dealers got used to my peculiar rules after awhile and did attempt to be as accomodating as possible once they realized that this would be to their benefit considering the amount of money that Jim and I would be spending and spending consistently and on a regular basis.

The only time that I would break my rule of not using while she was in the house would be late into the night while she was fast asleep and then of course, I would lock myself safely in the bathroom but I still always felt a certain amount of discomfort. I know that the question to me wasn't meant to hurt or insult as I myself have encountered my share of junky moms who drag their kids to their dealers house with no regard to their mental health or even physical safety. Discreet these ladies are not. And yes I know that many of them will also use in front of them while they are infants and even pre-schoolers. This makes me cringe like nothing else either.

To be honest, most of my past dealers weren't even aware that I had a child and the majority of the users that I would encounter at my dealers certainly were in the dark about this part of my life. If this subject did happen to come up, generally the first question that someone would end up asking me was whether or not I got to see my kid on a regular basis. WTF? Well of course I do as she has never been away from me for so much as an evening. The majority were always stunned that after all these years I still had custody as most of them had long since lost custody of theirs due to their negligent behaviour. Colour me shocked.

This part of my addicted past has always caused me the most trouble emotionally and mentally. The one thing that I learned early into my opiate addiction was the relative ease at which a junky is able to rationalize away any type of their behaviour. This is one stereotypical characteristic that I was not immune to although prior to my addicition nothing could have caused me to act in manner that would be considered morally or ethically grey. Opiate addiction seems to strip this away from the most upstanding citizen rather quickly. I was no exception. It is shocking how easily I was able to slide into a previously unfamiliar area with no thought to any possible consequences.

In my entire life, I had never once opened my mother's purse unless she had expressly asked me to but the moment that my use moved away from recreational, searching to see if she had any spare money gave me no qualms of guilt whatsoever. I remember walking by an unlocked truck one day which just happened to have a purse sitting in view of me and without missing so much as a beat, I had that door opened and the purse in my hand and me down that street out of view in record time. Where this even came from to this day I don't even know but I can vividly remember how excited I was when I discovered that there was close to $400 in it. I am sure that I was at my dealer's front door less than fifteen minutes later.

It is only now that I am back on methadone that I am moving out of this ethically challenged underworld.

When Sara was blissfully unaware of what we did for our recreation pleasure, I was able to use with absolute abandon. I suffered no or very little guilty feelings due to my use because I was able to rationalize it away with the fact that she was looked after first and foremost before any dope was even purchased. My child would never, ever suffer because of our addictions or weaknesses. In this regard, I may have actually done more harm than good but only time will really tell. To compensate for my weakness, Sara was never without anything that her heart desired. If all of the kids had the hottest pair of bluejeans then I made sure that Sara had half a dozen of them.

My intent was to ensure that she would in no way suffer because of us. I remember when she was in Grade 8 talking to some of the part timers here at work, some of whom were still in high school themselves, and asking them if I was being fair with her giving her an allowance of only $50 a week. Each and everyone of them was stunned silent and once they had found their collective voices they wanted me to adopt them. They thought that I was insane giving a thirteen year old that kind of pocket money considering that she didn't have to even buy any of her own things out of it either. Plus they also knew that if "extra" events popped up that I would pony up money above and beyond what she already got. Talk about overcompensation. I know that I am still very much guilty of this habit to this day but this one is actually a real tough one to break.

I made sure that I never behaved in the same manner than some of the other junky moms. None of my kid's toys would ever find themselves in some pawn shop - in fact, none of our household items - nor would she have to be content with thrift store clothing or never having money for even the cheapest school outing or having to wear some cheap hand me down graduation dress. No, nothing like this would or does occur...

I stopped here for now long forgotten reasons - probably doing updates from work knowing me. In fact if I struggle really hard, I'm pretty sure I can remember the specific day that I actually wrote this. I am pretty sure that the reason I never did get a chance to finish this entry or even post it, was the fact that the day I was writing this ended up being my last day of work at that particular job. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe that I was able to hastily cut and paste this into an email that I hurriedly sent myself before I had to leave the building. Yes, it is all becoming remarkably clearer. What a day that turned out to be!

New Home

Well I guess that this is it, my new home. Goodbye to junkylife.com. That's really too bad. I had spent quite a bit of time really making that site my own. Lots of hours went into creating my own graphics as well as all that time wasted now, stumbling through learning css, html, php, etc, etc. Never mind the time I'll never get back. This I can get over and move on. The near two hundred posts made there over two years are now gone like the wind. I'll never be able to recover or remember them and it is this that may take a bit of time to get over.

These past two years there had a pretty detailed account of my addiction at its absolute worst as it was occurring. Of course I can remember particular events of the past couple of years but these entries allowed me to transport myself back in time with absolute accuracy. Also there was my story of getting back on MMT and how I was doing with it and how I was feeling about the whole recovery thing and what a success its turning out to be for me and mine.

I also thought that my archives could one day possibly help someone else struggling with similar issues. There was a lot of detail and hopefully some inspiration there too, plus I had spent a good chunk of my time putting together a massive amount of links related to addiction and recovery and the whole darn thing.

Who knows, maybe it was my time to move on from junkylife.com and start a new chapter somewhere else. Perhaps this is nothing more than fate doing what its exactly supposed to be doing. I don't really know. I know this whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth especially the way I had to find out and all. If it truly was my time to move on, I wanted to be the one to make this decision not have it arbitrarily made for me.

OK AM BEING INTERRUPTED BY MY HUSBAND AND WILL FINISH THIS ALL UP LATER.

OK, back now, although for how long, I am not too sure, as everyone seems to want me to be doing anything else but be on the computer. Anyway, I suspect that my time had probably arrived where I actually should have been thinking about packing it in over at junkylife.com. I haven't been an active junky now for a year and a half and while I know that this is something that will forever be with me, it no longer was the primary focus of my existence and being.

Again, all that I really wanted in the end was to be the master of my own fate as much as this is realistically possible. I was also gutted that I wasn't given some sort of heads up so that I could have been prepared for my discovery. Not to know what is actually happening with my site at all is what galls me the most. I suppose I expected more and I still do to be honest. I'm doubly distressed by the total lack of response from the other end.

I find it all very confusing and disconcerting. It's not only not responding to any of my emails that troubles me but I've left a couple of comments at his blog plus filled out and submitted the contact form at junkylife.com twice. Again nothing. Someone suggested that perhaps my site was inadvertently lost and he is afraid of having to deliver this bad news. Until this was said to me this never even crossed my mind. It certainly makes a lot of sense and I could see something like this happening.

Doesn't make this any better but...I suspect that junkylife.com may also be on its last legs as parts of the site that should be accessible are no longer. Hopefully this will be only short term. I did have another journal at livejournal.com for close to a year before I started writing over at jl and for a few months after I joined, I continued to post identical entries at both sites. Yesterday I started the task of copying and backdating these entries so when I am finished this site will appear to have been around for a few years. Is this cheating? Don't think so.

Marilyn Who?

Trust my daughter to cause me no end of anxiety and irritation. I suppose that's what they're here for anyway - to keep their parents inline and on their toes!

For the girls successfully completing Grade Eleven in the spring, Jim and I treated them each to a ticket to the Marilyn Manson concert in Toronto which is being held this month, on August 10th. This is their current favourite band so they were over the moon that we got them tickets before they sold out cause they are playing at the Amphitheater which holds approx 20 000 if even that. Combined the the tickets cost us $156 - no small amount.

As part of the deal, they promised that they would help me with some chores - ensuring that the kitchen is always clean or pretty darn close plus cleaning out the litter boxes of their four cats. Neither chore is terrible either so I thought that Jim and I were being way reasonable. Other than having to remind them about three times a week what their chores are, for the most part, they have been pretty good. They also promised that they would have jobs so that they could pay for their transportation to this event. They've also had three months to do this too.

Now they're teenagers so of course their word and promises don't always translate correctly - far from it. I managed to get them a job working with the same company that employs both Jim and myself. For each apartment they clean, they get $50, no deductions either. This is pretty easy money also because they don't go into the unit at all until all of the painting has been done as well as the carpets cleaned or replaced. With the two of them working together, it takes them approx one hour to an hour and a half max to do a really great job. So far this summer, they've cleaned ten units for a total of $500. They've also been hired by one of the other Building Managers which means now they'll end up getting approx double the work. Of course, all of this money has long been spent as well as the pocket money that Jim and I continue to give them.

They got a second job each but their first pay cheques will not be ready until after the concert but each of their cheques will be approx $480 each! Also by then, their next cleaning cheques will be ready. As you can imagine they are in a panic and begging us for money which of course, I will give them.

Now when I touched on the topic of repayment, I pretty much struck a brick wall, an illogical brick wall I might add. Sara says that she was really, really hoping that when all of her money came in that she didn't want to have to pay any of it out for prior debts. Excuse me? Oh yes, about two weeks ago, I payed off all of Sara and Katie's personal debts i.e. money they had borrowed from their friends. What did they expect would be happening had their money arrived before the concert? Wouldn't they have to take money from their cheques? Of course they would but whenever it comes to the Bank of Mom the rules are extremely flexible!

No matter, I can't help it, I'll end up doing this cause I'm a sap and a pushover. Below are recent images of my little darlings. First Sara, then Katie. Clicking on the small image will open up the actual image in all of its glory! Take care.

Well, I Guess That is That

Well, it looks like two years of my life have been wiped out in an instant with nary a thought od me and how I might feel about the whole thing. Grrr...

It has now been a month since I've been able to access my previous site, the site where I have spent the past two years updating, meeting and healing. It appears that it is no more and it appears that I've got no say in this matter either. How utterly devestating if the truth be told. I never thought that it would actually come to this but I've obviously been sadly mistaken. You know that this site had almost two hundred entries which was a lot of work, not to mention all of the work that I had put into making the site graphically appealing. Hours of my time that I'll never recover.Obviously it's more than just the hours of time but this is the easiest item to point toward because its somewhat tangible where everything else is not. junkylife.com had become a real safe haven for me. I also managed to meet a lot of wonderful people through this site. I realize that I hadn't been updating as frequently as I had been these past six to eight months but never the less, I was still updating at the very least bi-monthly - way more than some of the sites that still remain. Double Grrrrr...

I had good reasons also - my broken wrist combined with returning to work full time and to a job that was brand new to me. I also managed to move in this time also, so realistically I didn't have a whole bunch of time available. But that shouldn't even be the point. There were other sites that updated less frequently than I and certainly no where near as often, and yet, they are still standing. One site that wasn't removed hasn't bothered to do an update since February!!!!

I'm also mad and frustrated because all of my recent emails have been returned to me. I've even left a couple of comments at his site and even filled out one of the contact forms at the main site but nothing of mine has been answered. This is the most frustrating aspect of it all. A small acknowledgement would end up going a huge way with me but no, nothing at all. Obviously there are a few other things equally frustrating but there's nothing I can do about them by the look of things.

When I initially signed up for a site two years ago, I was promised that should I leave for any reason that my entire site would be saved and sent to me. I was also told that my site would not be archived unless it had been inactive for three months or more and even still, people would still be able to access my archives for at least an additional six months, and that, of course, my site would be sent to me. I also was under the belief that I would first be given the chance to update before my site was archived. Obviously I've been under quite a few misunderstandings.

No, wait, I don't think so. I think that someone that isn't me has neglected his obligations entirely and now is attempting to ignore any and all of my pleas, perhaps in the hope that I will meakly and quietly go away. Not going to happen. I am moving from feelings of despair and sadness to full blown anger that will be hard pressed to be satisfied successfully. I mean, come on, you couldn't even take the time to send me a head's up email that my site was going to have to disappear? Instead, I have to find out all on my own. That's pretty low if you ask me not to mention cowardly but whatever...